Chucky

Realising that my wife would be exhausted when she got in from work, I ran the hot water and made sure there were plenty of bubbles. Now she can do the dishes as soon as she gets home.

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat. Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them "What's the Purple Wombat?" "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children. "Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the children shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!" The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself. Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally. The students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat. Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?" "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man!" So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin moustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears. "Well, Billy" he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?" "Mr Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff". "Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-PAL, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?" "It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is". "What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended!" The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him. "Billy!" she called, sobbing "I was so worried about you! What happened?" "Mummy!" cried Billy "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!" "What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!" So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened. "Billy" his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?" "Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!" "You... don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!" Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way - lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up. Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy". Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not. "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy". It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof. "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat". Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood. "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy". The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood. "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy". Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name. "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy". Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake. "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy". It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy". The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy". It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned. The moral of the story? Don't stand up in a boat.

I'm volunteering as Airside Security all weekend. Good to see some Rec Flying Members coming to join us.

A little boy and his parents go to the circus... just as the elephants begin to enter the centre, the dad gets up from his seat and heads off to get the family some popcorn. As the elephants begin their performance, one of the male elephants sees a female elephant and starts to become aroused. The little boy sees this and asks his mother "Mummy, what's that on the elephant?" "That's his trunk" the mother replies. "No mum not that! On the back there?" asks the lad. "Oh, that's his tail," responds his mother. "No mum! I know what the trunk and the tail are, I mean underneath the elephant," pipes the boy pointing to the creature's nether region. The mother blushes and responds "Oh that's nothing. Where's your father?" Just then the father returns with the popcorn and the mother quickly speeds off to the restroom to avoid further questioning by her son. So the boy asks his father the same. "Daddy what's that under the elephant, not the tail or the trunk but UNDER him?" Without hesitation dad replies "Son, that is the elephant's penis". "But mum said it was nothing!" states the bewildered youngster. The father puts his arm around the boy's shoulder and says, "Son, I spoil that woman!"

Sending someone out for a 12 inch Copulating tool is always good for a laugh.

Got mine Friday...nice calender too

Is there any news on the much talked about raising of the 5000ft limit for RAA pilots or has it gone into the too hard basket ???

Congrats....It's good knowing that invisable wall at 25 NM has come down and you can venture beyond.

WARNING, PLEASE READ!!!!!!!! If someone comes to your front door and asks you to remove your clothes and dance with your arms in the air, DO NOT do this, it is a scam - they just want to see you naked. I wish I had known this yesterday, I feel stupid now...

A proposed council tax-evaluation policy will mean reassessment of current house values which will mean they will charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas. There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leads. Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing. To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked. Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for racist comments. A shopkeeper blamed him for arranging the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved. All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay. Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. It is not known if they have the same father. They are out of control. I hate living near Windsor Castle.

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep." From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

One day there was a guy who was driving down the road in his jeep on his way home from work and his car broke down. He looked down the road and saw a pink house and decided that he would see if he could stay there for the night. He walked up to the house and rang the pink door bell and a pink lady opened up the pink door. He asked her if he could spend the night and she said ok. So she led him down a pink hallway, up the pink staircase, down another pink hallway and into a pink guest bedroom. She said that he could stay there. Then another guy was driving down the same road and his car broke down in front of the same pink house. He went up to the house and rang the bell. The lady said he could stay there and lead him down a pink hallway into a pink living room, showed him a pink couch and said he could sleep there. Then another guy came down the road and his car broke down. He asked the lady if he could stay there for the night. She led him down the pink hallway up the pink stairs and down another pink hallway and into a pink den and showed him a chair and said he could sleep there. The next morning all the guys went down the kitchen. The lady asked them what they wanted, she had pink Cheerio's, pink Fruit Loops and pink milk with pink bowls and pink spoons. The first guy said he wanted Cheerio's, the second wanted Fruit Loops and the third wanted Cheerio's. What's the moral of the story??? 2 out of 3 people like Cheerio's better than Fruit Loops.

A guy goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a big fat yellow lazy idiot and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers. Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay. "What on earth are you doing Mick" says Paddy. "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin' bejesus out of me" says an obviously embarrassed. Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

Here's a pic

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

A man walked into his yard one morning and found a gorilla up in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a sawed off shotgun. "Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner. "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs." "Got it," the homeowner replied. "But what's the shotgun for?" "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a quiz, asking "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station." "What if that had been vandalised?" "Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo. This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash."

At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities, as Jenny prepares herself for bed the 'expected' knock at the door came, she opens it and there is Roger... her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, after a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door and it's Roger again! He is ready for more 'action'. Surprised, Jenny consents. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep but before she knew it there was Roger knocking on the door again ready for more 'action'. Once more they enjoy each other. His young bride says to him, "I Am thoroughly impressed that you can perform so much better than guys less than a third of your age. You are truly a great lover, Roger." Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: "You mean I was here already?"

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers. I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for Father’s day. Got my wife an iRon for her birthday. That's when the fight started . . .

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar. The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal.""That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car." "Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car." The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice. About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?" "No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

Police in Auckland just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2,000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin $50 million in forged NZ banknotes and 25 trafficked Thai prostitutes all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Manukau. Local residents were stunned. A community elder said, "We're shocked. We never knew we had a library!!

In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed. Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and told to check them out. After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports. When it became the turn of Detective Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is an eighty-four-year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her." "Damnation, boy!" exclaimed the Chief. "I sure am surprised at you. You've been a policeman almost all your life - and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book."

A woman was looking at the animals on display in a pet store. A few minutes later, a man walked in and said to the shopkeeper "I'll take a Construction Monkey, please". The shopkeeper nodded and took a monkey out of a cage. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the man, saying, "That'll be $5,000." The man paid and left with the monkey. The surprised woman went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much? "The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a Construction Monkey. He can drive trucks, set forms, erect steel & equipment and run pipe. All with no back talk or complaints. He's well worth the money." The woman then spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one" replied the shopkeeper. "That's a Project Foreman, he can read drawings, answer phones, supervise and inspect quality. A very useful monkey indeed." The woman looked around a little longer and found a monkey with a $50,000 price tag. The shocked woman exclaimed, "This one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?" "Well," said the shopkeeper, "I've never actually seen him do anything except drink beer and play with himself. But his papers say he's a Mining Engineer."

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more. The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time." Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder." The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more. Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me... I've quit drinking!"