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john

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john last won the day on November 14 2012

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About john

  • Rank
    Well-known member
  • Birthday 02/01/1945

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  • Country
    Australia
  1. To indicate how many people put their faith unconditionally in the GOOD MAN ABOVE whilst flying on this planet, I was once flying a devoted Minister of the cloth to conduct a funeral service at a country church & we were cruising above the clouds at about 8000'. Whilst cruising at this altitude the Minister was obviously in deep meditation when he suddenly said ' I FEEL CLOSER TO GOD UP HERE'. I thought what the Minister had said for a few moments whilst cruising in smooth air, when the light bulb went on in my head & I then said to the Minister, "See that fan in front of the plane going around, it is keeping us both safe & cool, but if that fan stops you will soon be closer to the devil than the Man above".
  2. Before the male passengers last holiday flight , he had been on a diet & dropped quite a few kilos. When it came time to disembark from the plane, he stood up to obtain his luggage from the overhead locker, & his pants accidentally fell down to his shoes. A nearby attractive female flight attendant was walking down the aisle of the plane & observed the male passengers pants had accidentally fallen down to this shoes, & so she asked him if she could be of any assistance. "Yes he replied, I"ll grab the luggage from the overhead locker & you can pull up my pants".
  3. If you check the website for this charter company they are stating that they are not accepting any more bookings for their hoiliday destinations & for clients who have already booked, they should consult their respective travel agents for a refund. In other words the reason they are not accepting any more bookings is due to the fact that they no longer have an AOC.
  4. There are heresay reports that initially CASA performed an Audit on this Charter Operator after this unfortunate incident, however they have now withdrawn the Charter Operators AOC which has caused the Charter Operator to cease flight operations immediately.
  5. The Pilot is in Bundy Hospital at present undergoing an operation on his broken leg, but according to his wife who is at the hospital the pilot has spoken to his grandkids today which indicates that he is in good spirits at present. He may have to be transferred to Brisbane for further medical treatment once he is stabilised. Knowing this bloke for many years he is a tough bugger, & now that he is looking at 4 walls this will give him a lot of time to think about his remaining days on this planet which we all hope will be many.
  6. There are 2 statues in the park, one is of a nude man & the other is of a nude woman. Both of these statues had been facing each other across a pathway for 100 years. One fine day an angel comes down from the heavans, with a single gesture to bring these 2 statues back to life . The angel tells them both: "As a reward for being patient through a hundred blazing summers & dismally cold winters, you have both been given a 2nd life in the hereafter for 30 minutes to do whatever you both wish to do most with each other." The nude male statue looks at the female nude statue & she looks at him, & they both go running behind the nearby bushes. The angel waits patiently & observes the rustle of the bushes & hears the laughing going on. After 15 minutes the 2 live statues return, out of breath & still laughing. The angel tells them: "You have 15 minutes left, what would you care to do again?" The nude male statue asks the female statue, "Shall we?" She eagerly replies "Oh yes, but lets change positions, this time, I'll hold the pidgeon down & you shxt on its head"
  7. A very tall man walks into the hotel bar & a gorgeous blonde recognises him as a famous national footballer. They start chatting to each other & eventually go back to his place. They start to caress each other, & the man takes off his shirt. The Blonde notices a tattoo on his arm which reads REEBOK. The blond remarks: "Whats that for?" The man replies : "Oh I have this tattoo on my arm so that when I am on the TV Football shows, people will see my tattoo, which Reebok pay me for". Then the man takes off his shorts, & on his thigh there is another tattoo which reads NIKE. The Blonde asks him whats that tattoo for, & he replies that it is just like the REEBOK tattoo, which I get paid by NIKE when this tattoo is seen on TV . Next the man drops his undies & on his willy the Blonde observes the tattooed word which reads AIDS. The blonde screams in horror: "Don't tel me you have aids". The man replies: "NO, NO, Please calm down because in a minute this tattoo will read ADIDAS".
  8. This is what now is unfortunately actually occurring in this once great country of Australia, unbeknown to a lot of us. A charter pilot who was killing time at a local aerodrome recently, whilst waiting patiently for his passengers went to the nearby Maccas opposite the airport to get some lunch. He asked the employee for a burger with crispy bacon, lettuce, cheese & tomato. Upon obtaining the burger, & taking the first bite, he noticed that the bacon was cold & not crispy, thinking that it may not have been cooked properly. He went back to the counter & asked the employee who intially served him, why the bacon was cold. The employee told the Pilot that all bacon now has to be cooked in the microwave oven because if cooked on the grill, it would contaminate the other meats & they would lose their HALAL CERTIFICATION. The Pilot then said: " therefore it seems I can't have a burger anymore, how I have always eaten one because of a minority of religious immigrants says it offends them". The employee just shrugged her shoulders & commented this is now a " CERTIFIED HALAL STORE" . So if you now get a burger from Maccas & wonder why the bacon doesn't taste right, you'll know that it has been thawed out & heated up in a microwave, because if they grilled the bacon (as it has always been done in the past) it would supposedly contaminate all the other meats cooked under the grill, which would be offensive to a small percentage of the radical religious migrants. According to Google, Maccas want to retain their HALAL CERTIFICATION. The Pilot has stated that that he has now scratched Maccas of his food list, & went onto comment that maybe its a good thing because he will now be able to lose some weight & regain a better health physique for his next aviation medical which was due in a couple of months.
  9. Some fellow pilots were trying to solve the worlds problems recently at the local aeroclub over a few beers, & a comment was stated by one of the male sober pilots around the bar that he has learnt from experience never to try to reason or argue with a women because they are wrong most of the time:black eye:
  10. Some time ago a gorgeous female pilot came to my hangar for assistance & told me that she was having some control difficulties withe her plane when practising for the forthcoming aerobatic championships & could I have a look at the plane . This female pilot was not only gorgeous on the eye, as she had big knockers that pointed upwards to the sky & this made my cocacola glasses to become fogged up. She went onto say that she had limited time to stay with her plane today & had to get back to work in 15 minutes. I then suggested to her that it would be in her best interest if she could make a mutual appointment at a later date for me to inspect her plane when she had nothing on . All I got then was a smack across the choppers which knocked off my cocacola glasses with no valid explanation why she had smacked me.
  11. Back in the year BC?, in the ancient land of Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young missus by the name of Dorothy (Dot for short). Dot Com was a homely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder, & long 0f leg. Indeed she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham her husband: "Why doest thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving your tent"? And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied: "I will place drumers in all of the towns & drumers in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, & they will reply telling you who hath the best price . The sale can be made on the drums & delivery made by Uriahs Pony Stable (UPS)". Abraham thought long & hard & decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums were therefore spread out & were an immediate success. Abraham sold all of the goods he had at the top price without ever having to move out of his tent. To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drumers were saying, Dot devised a system that only she & the drumers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), & she also developed a language to transmit ideas & pictures called Hebrew To The People (HTTP). The young men did take to DOT Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly taketh to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites (NERDS). And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches & the deafening sound of the drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads& drumsticks. And Dot did say "Oh Abraham what we have started is now being taken over by others". Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekial or EBAY as it came to be known. He said "We need a name that reflects what we are ". Dot replied :"Young Ambitious Hebrew Owners & Operators" (YAHOO) "Yahoo" said Abraham, & because it was Dots idea in the 1st place they named it YAHOO DOT COM. Abrahams cousin, Joshua being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dots drumers to locate things around the countryside. It soon then became known as Gods Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)& thats how it all began.
  12. A previous employee of RAA who is now an employee of CASA, once stated in a RAA magazine something to the effect that ALL AVIATION ACCIDENTS ARE PREVENTABLE IN SOME WAY SHAPE OR FORM . Once this tragic accident is thoroughly investigated by RAA & or CASA, let the so called experts with all their so called expert knowledge explain HOW THIS TRAGEDY COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED. What the unfortunately deceased Pilot in this tragedy didn't know about aviation was not worth knowing whilst the so called aviation experts in RAA & CASA will now have to go back to the drawing board & come up with a better explanation than the one quoted earlier in this reply.
  13. Since Hilary Clinton has thrown her hat into the ring for the forthcoming USA Presidential Elections, Monica Lewinsky has purported to come out by saying, SHE WON'T VOTE FOR HILARY BECAUSE THE LAST OCCASION THAT A CLINTON STOOD FOR PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION HAS LEFT A NASTY TASTE IN HER MOUTH.
  14. I lost a good friend & drinking buddy this past weekend as a result of his own stupidity in a tragic accident. HE GOT HIS 3RD FINGER ON HIS LEFT HAND CAUGHT IN A WEDDING RING.
  15. Nifty had run out of money at his local watering hole & was told by the barmaid to go home & sleep things off till next time his pension cheque came. He therefore staggered out of the pub & started walking home in the rain. He rolled a cigarette & attempted to light it however with the wet matches in his pocket which were by now saturated from the pouring rain. Whilst staggering along the roadway he could see that a gorgeous drop dead blonde with an umbrella was approaching him & she was smoking a cigarette. When the blonde was about to pass by Nifty, he got enough courage to ask the blonde in his stuttering speech the following sentence: "Ex Ex Ex Ex Excuse me bbbbbbbbbut could you please give me a ffffffffffew matches sssssssoooo I can light my ccccccccigarette. The gorgeous blonde obliged without saying anything & gave Nifty a few matches from the box of matches she had in her handbag. Nifty replied in his stuttering manner by thanking the blonde by saying: "Yyyyyyyyyou thought Iiiiiiiiiiii was ggggggggoing to aaaaaaaask you fffor a fufufufufufufufull box.
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