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Maintenance Matters


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An oldie but still a scream I reckon!


It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those who fly routinely in their jobs.


After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,†which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.


Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.


S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.


S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.


S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.


S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.


S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.


S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.


S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.


S: That's what they're for.


P: IFF inoperative.


S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.


S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.


S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.


S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.


S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.


S: Cat installed.


And the best one for last .


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel . Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.


S: Took hammer away from midget



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