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British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.


Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced


airline going today without filing a flight plan?'




ATC: "Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for workers along taxiway."


Al Italia 345: "Roger, Taxi 26 Left via Tango. Workers checked - all are working"




Nova 851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15."


Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot


what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06."





Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself."





Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?




Pilot: Yes.




Tower: Yes what?




Pilot: Yes, SIR!





Frankfurt Control: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You


have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'



Pilot: 'Roger, Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to 130 fer ya.'



Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 11/2miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'



Pilot: 'AF 33 reining this here bird back further to 110 knots.'



Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now


one mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'




Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here


C-130 is?'



Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'





ATC: 'Cessna 123, what are your intentions?



Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilot's License and Instrument Rating.'



ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes, not years.'





Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.



Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.



Controller: Oh, Oh, Sh1t! You have traffic!





O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach,


maintain 250 knots.



USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain


that speed?



O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.



USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.





ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.



Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?



ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019




Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'



Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center.'





Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.



ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.





Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big "E".



Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.' (short pause)...



Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big "W" immediately...'





Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'



Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'



Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'



Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'



Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'





Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the


left of the centerline on that approach.'



American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'





Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)



Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)



Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'



Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name


you'd get a better response!'





BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'



Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'



BB: 'Because the last two times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been


run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'



Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'





Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus


330 or 340?'



Pilot: 'A340 of course!'



Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines


and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'





Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'



Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'





Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in


English and lonely in the cockpit.'





Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'



Pilot: 'More or less.'



Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'








Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up


and push back, please.'




Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'




Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'




Tower: 'Affirmative.'




Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'




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