ATC

[kgwilson]

British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.

 

Control Tower replies: 'And where is the world's most experienced

 

airline going today without filing a flight plan?'

 

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ATC: "Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango - check for workers along taxiway."

 

Al Italia 345: "Roger, Taxi 26 Left via Tango. Workers checked - all are working"

 

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Nova 851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15."

 

Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot

 

what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06."

 

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Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself."

 

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Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?

 

 

 

Pilot: Yes.

 

 

 

Tower: Yes what?

 

 

 

Pilot: Yes, SIR!

 

---------------------------

 

 

Frankfurt Control: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You

 

have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'

 

 

Pilot: 'Roger, Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to 130 fer ya.'

 

 

Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 11/2miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'

 

 

Pilot: 'AF 33 reining this here bird back further to 110 knots.'

 

 

Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now

 

one mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'

 

 

 

Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here

 

C-130 is?'

 

 

Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'

 

--------------------------

 

 

ATC: 'Cessna 123, what are your intentions?

 

 

Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilot's License and Instrument Rating.'

 

 

ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes, not years.'

 

--------------------------

 

 

Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.

 

 

Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.

 

 

Controller: Oh, Oh, Sh1t! You have traffic!

 

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O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach,

 

maintain 250 knots.

 

 

USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain

 

that speed?

 

 

O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.

 

 

USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.

 

----------------------

 

 

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.

 

 

Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?

 

 

ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019

 

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Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'

 

 

Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center.'

 

--------------------------

 

 

Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.

 

 

ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

 

-------------------------

 

 

Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big "E".

 

 

Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.' (short pause)...

 

 

Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big "W" immediately...'

 

--------------------

 

 

Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME.'

 

 

Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'.'

 

 

Pilot: 'Approach, 202's unable that descent rate.'

 

 

Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'

 

 

Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours.'

 

-----------------------------

 

 

Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the

 

left of the centerline on that approach.'

 

 

American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'

 

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Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)

 

 

Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)

 

 

Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'

 

 

Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name

 

you'd get a better response!'

 

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BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'

 

 

Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'

 

 

BB: 'Because the last two times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been

 

run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'

 

 

Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'

 

------------------------------------

 

 

Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus

 

330 or 340?'

 

 

Pilot: 'A340 of course!'

 

 

Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines

 

and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'

 

---------------------------

 

 

Tower: 'Cessna 123, turn right now and report your heading.'

 

 

Pilot: 'Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...'

 

---------------------------------

 

 

Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in

 

English and lonely in the cockpit.'

 

-----------------------

 

 

Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'

 

 

Pilot: 'More or less.'

 

 

Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'

 

 

 

----------------------------

 

 

 

Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up

 

and push back, please.'

 

 

 

Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'

 

 

 

Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'

 

 

 

Tower: 'Affirmative.'

 

 

 

Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'

 

 

 

[maddog63]

Love it. The human condition is a beautiful thing ???????