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A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

 

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

 

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

 

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

 

He put on his shoes and drove home.

 

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

 

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

 

She looked down at his shoes and said:

 

'You lying [email protected]! You've been playing golf!'

 

 

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Reminds me of another one of my true stories (serious);

 

Each week I gave all my wage to my missus and if I went to the pub on Friday night which was about twice a month, I would grab $20 bucks off her. One time, before children, so about 24 or so I guess, I grabbed $50 from her as that's the smallest note she had, I got horribly pissed and a group of us walked back home from the Dava Hotel (Mt Martha Vic) at about 1.30am and my best mates house was first stop on the way. I was intending to walk/stagger the rest of the way home but I unintentionally flaked it on the couch. A smoking hot blonde fell asleep on the couch next to me, half naked from attempts to shed some clothing to sleep.

 

About 7am the next morning, my missus rocks up furious that I hadn't come home, looks in the window to see the blonde draped over me and pounds the window till I rise, I realise the situation and stagger out waiting for the barrage .... but even worse nothing but stoney silence while I'm trying to explain what happened inbetween not throwing up.

 

Get back home, inside and she starts up alright: "You didn't come home because you spent all of that $50 didn't you you azzhole??!!"

 

Women, always blind siding you .....

 

 

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Some blokes never learn!

 

You could have spent $40 bucks plus 10 for a half -dead bunch of daises from the local servo, and all would have been sweet:kiss:

 

 

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Some blokes never learn!You could have spent $40 bucks plus 10 for a half -dead bunch of daises from the local servo, and all would have been sweet:kiss:

This must've been a few years ago - if he was getting hammered for $50, the half-dead daisies wouldn't cost $10!!

 

 

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A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

 

Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

 

Wife: "Who said you iron better than I?"

 

Maria: "Your husband said so."...

 

Wife: "Oh."

 

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

 

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"

 

Maria: "Your husband did."

 

Wife: "Oh."

 

Maria: "The third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

 

Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"

 

Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

 

SHE GOT THE RAISE :)

 

 

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A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than I?"

 

Maria: "Your husband said so."...

 

Wife: "Oh."

 

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

 

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"

 

Maria: "Your husband did."

 

Wife: "Oh."

 

Maria: "The third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

 

Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"

 

Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

 

SHE GOT THE RAISE :)

So did the gardener, if the story's true

 

 

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He already had 2 raises.

He made an impressive erection in the shrubbery, the one with the path in the middle.

 

 

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He made an impressive erection in the shrubbery, the one with the path in the middle.

As gardener, isn't it his job to keep the bushes well trimmed?

 

 

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A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whispers to the wife, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

 

 

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A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

 

After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, 'My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.'

 

The man thinks: 'What does a priest know about sex?' So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the Minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

 

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.

 

In other words, he goes to a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, 'My son, sex is definitely play..'

 

The man replies, 'Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?'

 

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it".

 

 

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  • 1 month later...

The missus and I have both made those lists of 5 people that we're allowed to sleep with if we ever get the opportunity. She's picked Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, Jeremy Renner, Kiefer Sutherland and Paul Hollywood. I've gone for her sister, her cousin, her best mate, our next door neighbour and the fit bird from the Co-op!!..

 

 

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The (rare) bunch of flowers doesn't work. Obviously you are trying to cover up something. ( Or do all you fellows have dopey wives)

 

Clever husbands have fairly ugly ones that cook well and care , as less people are going to try and lay them.

 

A man needs a woman of many talents available passionate lover, expert financial advisor and counsellor forgive infidelity, to mother him, to look stunning at "occasions", to stay eternally beautiful. never have bad breath, fart or have bristly legs and always be there for him and look after him when he is old smelly dribbling boring and broke and sex isn't

 

Sounds like a good deal eh girls...Nev

 

 

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Husband sent a text to wife at night, "Hi babe I will be late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favourite dish before I return."

 

He sent another text, "Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"

 

She text back, "OMG really?"

 

Husband replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."

 

 

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Wine Taster Wanted

 

In a wine bottling plant the regular taster died and the director was in urgent need of a replacement.

 

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position..

 

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

 

They tested him.

 

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers."

 

"That's correct", said the boss.

 

Another glass.

 

"It's red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels."

 

"Correct."

 

A third glass.

 

''It's Champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

 

The director was astonished.

 

He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

 

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

 

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month.

 

And if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father!"

 

HIS WISDOM IS VALUABLE !

 

 

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A chicken farmer went to a local bar ... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" "What a coincidence" the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... "I too am celebrating." "This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" Says the woman. "What a coincidence!" says the farmer as they clinked glasses the man asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs." 'That's great!' says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different cock," he replied. The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence. So did I."

 

 

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