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A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

 

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

 

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

 

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

 

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

 

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents."

 

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

 

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

 

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

 

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."

 

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

 

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

 

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

 

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

 

 

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I was shagging my neighbour over her kitchen table when we heard the front door opening. "That's my husband," she said, "Quick, try the back door", I knew I should left before her husband caught me, but there's no way I was refusing an offer like that.

 

 

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I was shagging my neighbour over her kitchen table when we heard the front door opening. "That's my husband," she said, "Quick, try the back door", I knew I should left before her husband caught me, but there's no way I was refusing an offer like that.

Got caught, oh what a bummer.

 

 

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I was shagging my neighbour over her kitchen table when we heard the front door opening. "That's my husband," she said, "Quick, try the back door", I knew I should left before her husband caught me, but there's no way I was refusing an offer like that.

Even that ain't necessarily safe....

 

http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/parenting/one-in-a-million-pregnancy-blows-doctors-mind/story-fnet08ck-1227358342863

 

 

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Twin sisters in a Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

 

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

 

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

 

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

 

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

 

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THEREON THE SOFA!", said the other.

 

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

 

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

 

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

 

So they wiggled up close to each other.

 

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus the camera," said the photographer.

 

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

 

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

 

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out,

 

"OH LORD JESUS! BOTH OF US???? -- CAN I BE FIRST???"

 

 

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Did you hear about the three women golfing on the fourth green, when suddenly a man runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

 

As he passes the first woman, she looks down and says, "it's not my husband."

 

As he passes the second woman, she looks down and says, "he's not my husband either."

 

He then passes the third woman and she looks down and says, "He's not even a member of this golf club."

 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

The wife has just come into the living room wearing a little pvc number, fishnets and high heels, has handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best' I can't wait. I love Shepherd's Pie

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Dai proposed to Megan and it had been accepted. "But", added Megan, "before we get married I must tell you something dreadful about my past life."

 

"No," said Dai, "I won't hear of it. You can tell me after we're married."

 

After they were married and had set off for their honeymoon in Porthcawl, Megan again brought up the subject of her "dreadful secret".

 

"No," said Dai, "it can wait. Tell me when we're in bed together, that'll be soon enough."

 

That night as they got into ...bed Megan declared "Well, Dai, now I really do have to tell you my secret. You see, I'm a virgin."

 

Dai didn't say a word but put on his clothes and traveled all the way back to his mother's house.

 

"Dai!" said his mother, "what are you doing here, you're supposed to be on your honeymoon."

 

"It's no good", said Dai, "I've had to leave Megan; it turns out she's a virgin."

 

"Well, Dai," said his mother, "in that case you were quite right to come home.

 

If she's not good enough for the rest of the village she's not good enough for you."

 

 

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  • 4 weeks later...

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

 

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

 

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

 

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

 

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

 

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied

 

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

 

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life'

 

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

 

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked

 

I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

 

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

 

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

 

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

 

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

 

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

 

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

 

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

 

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

 

'No Kidding,' he said.

 

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

 

 

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A guy came home and found his wife packing a bag.

 

"What are you doing?" he asked.

 

" I'm leaving you and going to Las Vegas." she replied.

 

"Why?" he asked.

 

"I've heard women can get $400 for giving a blow job in Vegas."

 

The husband grabbed a bag and started packing.

 

"I'm coming with you." he said.

 

"Why?" she asked.

 

"I want to see how you will be able to live on $800 per year."

 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Mrs. Johnson was the wife of a successful business owner, and he didn't have much time for her. On her birthday, however, he gave her a special gift: to have her portrait painted by a famous artist.

 

When the artist arrived and set up for the sitting, she told him, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a large ruby brooch."

 

"But madam," he said. "You are not wearing any of those things."

 

"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "As I'm sure my husband told you, my health is not good and I don't have long to live. As I'm sure he didn't tell you, my husband is having an affair with his secretary."

 

"Uh..." the painter stammers, unsure what to say.

 

"So when I die I'm sure he will marry her," she continues, "and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for all that jewelry."

 

 

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  • 7 months later...

A tweet from a new father :

 

"I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant

 

but apparently it just changes the color of the baby."

 

1936342605_Thenewbaby.png.5cff9a280fc4e87fcb57aa3b28b713a5.png

 

 

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  • 5 months later...

A garbage collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.

 

There's no answer.

 

Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

 

Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.

 

"Harro!" says the Japanese man.

 

"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.

 

"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

 

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

 

"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"

 

"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.

 

"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'"

 

"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.

 

"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!!!"

 

 

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If I Die First

 

My wife has days when she wants us to "talk about things.” We were discussing aspects of our future so when it was my turn I asked her: "What will you do if I die before you do?”

 

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

 

Then she asked me, "What will you do if I die first?"

 

I replied, "Probably the same thing."

 

 

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  • 2 months later...

At a wedding ceremony the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

 

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly towards the minister.

 

Everything quickly turned to chaos.

 

The bride threw the bouquet and burst out crying.

 

Then slowly the groom's mother fainted.

 

The Best Men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

 

The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?"

 

There was absolute silence in the church.

 

The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back."

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.

 

It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness because the man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

 

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked, with a man. The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

 

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

 

  • HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
     
     
  • HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat .
     
     
  • HE paid for your Football season tickets.
     
     
  • HE paid for our house at the lake.
     
     
  • HE paid for your new Cirrus SR22.
     
     
     
  • HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
     
     
  • HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!'
     
     

 

 

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?

 

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

 

 

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  • 4 months later...

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortise had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

 

When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

 

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

 

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny.

 

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mum today!"

 

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

 

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mum flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't have been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

 

 

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