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If World War One Was A Bar Fight


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One of the best condensed versions of history:

 

(Pinched shamelessly from http://www.quora.com)

 

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Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria’s pint.

 

Austria demands Serbia buy it a whole new suit because of the new beer stains on its trouser leg.

 

Germany expresses its support for Austria’s point of view.

 

Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

 

Serbia points out that it can’t afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria’s trousers.

 

Russia and Serbia look at Austria.

 

Austria asks Serbia who it’s looking at.

 

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

 

Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in doing so.

 

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that its sufficiently out of order that Britain not intervene.

 

Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

 

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action anymore.

 

Britain and France ask Germany whether it’s looking at Belgium.

 

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

 

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

 

France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

 

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it’s on Britain’s side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

 

Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it.

 

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

 

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

 

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

 

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany’s fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

 

The End…. (or is it?)

 

If World War Two Was A Bar fight

 

cid:4DA38D1D-A6A1-4F87-AB8F-C520228B310C@mobilenotes.apple.com

 

Still sore from the night before, Germany has had one too many pints. It is sucking up to Russia, deciding it doesn’t want to pay for the drinks that France insists it owes. They then drunkenly shout out that Austria is its brother, man, and Italy is their long time best friend.

 

Sauced now and belligerent, Germany is glaring angrily about the bar. Italy is already marching around, challenging everyone to step outside. America had left the bar some time ago and no one was sure where it’d gone.

 

With nothing better to do, Germany challenges Soviet Russia to an arm wrestling match at the Spanish table, while Japan was in the back room whacking China with a pool cue.

 

Armwrestling over, Germany goes to the bar again and orders another pint and one for Austria. Glancing over to Czechoslovakia, Germany says, “Hey, nice shirt. I want it”.

 

Before Czechoslovakia can jump from the bar stool and take a swing, Britain walks over and stands between the two, saying, “Can’t we just get along? Come on, now, Czechoslovakia, just the shirt, that’s all.”

 

Humiliated, Czechoslovakia hands over the shirt and Britain walks back to the corner table with France saying, “See? Peace in our time.”

 

At the other end of the pub, Italy has finally found someone to fight: it kicks Ethiopia in the goolies as they walk in. Germany, raises their pint glass in salute to Italy.

 

Then they look at Russia who’s wandered back in after checking on Japan in the back room and both look over at Poland who’s been sitting by themselves at a small table….. right next to Germany. England and France stare at Germany and England wags their finger at Germany. Germany gives them an “aw shucks” grin and then turns and knocks Poland’s beer off the table.

 

Poland stands up to confront Germany beckoning for England and France to come over and help. Russia then taps Poland on the shoulder and when they turn around Germany grabs the chair and smashes it over Poland’s head. Russia then rushes in and begins kicking Poland repeatedly as they lay writhing on the floor.

 

Germany turns to England and France and makes a “come on then” gesture, but England and France slink back to their table and continue to utter threats in low voices. Denmark, Norway, Holland, and Belgium who popped in for a quick one after work all look worried and finish their drinks in a hurry and yell for the bill.

 

Finland who’s been sitting in a corner quietly notices Russia is distracted going through the unconscious Poland’s pockets, and quickly sneaks up behind them and smashes a vodka bottle over their head.

 

Russia gets up, shakes their head, grabs Finland by one arm and tosses them against the wall, knocking them completely out. Russia then goes back to their table in the far corner and sits down to sulk. Japan notices this and slinks out back to see if China has woken up yet.

 

England grabs the phone and calls Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and India and tells them to get down here right quick and oh could one of them pop around to the United States and tell them to grab their baseball bat and come over. Then England walks over and stands by France confronting Germany, Italy and their mates now standing in the middle of the room.

 

Everyone else quickly pays their bill and heads for the door.

 

Germany crosses the room, rolls up its sleeves and with four punches knocks Denmark, Norway, Holland and Belgium out cold. Germany then grabs all their wallets and tosses them on a table to sort through later.

 

France is upset that its little cousin Belgium has been taken out and rushes to get at Germany. Italy has finally finished going through Ethiopia’s pockets sees France on the move, sticks out its leg and trips them. When France gets up Germany picks up an entire table and smashes it over their head. France is knocked out for several hours and when they finally wake up they’re slightly schizophrenic and crawl off into a corner to argue with themselves.

 

Outnumbered and alone England barricades itself behind the bar and begins tossing empty pint glasses at Germany, hoping the kids show up soon.

 

Germany and Italy begin sorting out the other tables and strut around the bar. In a corner booth Bulgaria, Hungary and Romania seeing what just happened, stand up and declare that Germany and Italy are their new best mates and buy them a round.

 

Across the street the United States is getting concerned about all the noise and broken windows and wants to go over and take a look, but the missus tells them to sit down and finish their dinner.

 

Shortly after dinner, United States hears a noise in the backyard and investigates just in time to see Japan smashing its tiki themed patio set in retaliation for suggesting they had too much to drink. United States is very upset at this and heads down to bar. Japan also eggs The Netherlands’ house and moons Australia as it heads back to pick on China some more.

 

Italy, while the Germans have their backs turned, decides to pick a fight with the Balkans Football Club which has been sitting in the corner. The BFC is a lot tougher then they look and offers Italy a few good smacks to the face. Italy quickly runs behind Germany and peeks out from behind their legs. Germany turns around with a “WTF!”

 

After sorting out the BFC with some help from its new bestest bud Romania and Hungary, Germany looks around the shambles of the room. England is yelling threats at them from behind the bar and Canada is behind them passing a fresh supply of empty bottles to toss.

 

Then another cry for help from Italy – they’ve decided to rifle the pockets of Egypt who passed out earlier in the children’s sandbox in the corner, but England sicked Australia, New Zealand and South Africa on them and they’re all smacking Italy about the kneecaps. Germany sighs and wonders where it can get some better allies.

 

As Germany makes its way to the sandbox, it makes eye contact with a stretching, knuckle cracking Japan, who gives a knowing nod. Japan puffs its chest and makes its way through the ocean of spilled beer to the United States, who’s standing there flat-footed, laughing hysterically, one hand slapping its knee. But USA looks up just in time to see Japan midswing with a big section of broken table. USA reels backwards into Germany, which is not amused and promises to get USA once it’s taken care of the sandbox. Japan, in the meantime, turns around and wails on poor Netherlands, cowering on the floor.

 

The Philippines meanwhile walks out the door, vowing to return. At the end of the bar, India, trying hard to mind its own business gets splashed with beer and starts to get up.

 

After dealing with the sandbox, Germany walks over to Russia hand outstretched in greeting. Russia takes it and get rewarded with Germany’s boot to the nads, and Finland, Hungary, Italy and Romania all pile on. Bloodied and dazed Russia backs off into the storeroom.

 

To distract Germany, England whispers something to Canada, who sneaks across the room and tries to smash a beer bottle on Germany’s head. The bottle fails to break and Germany turns around, grins and punches Canada in the nose. Holding their bloody nose Canada retreats, but keeps a supply of empty pint glasses flowing to Britain. Australia and New Zealand get an urgent call from their wives to come home because Japan is lurking in the garden, and they dash out. South Africa still pissed at England for making them take on both Italy and Germany and continues to sulk in the kid’s sandbox.

 

Germany goes looking for Russia in the storeroom to punch it some more, and notices the attractive walk-in freezer with hanging loops of sausage and schnitzel, not realizing Russia is hiding inside waiting with a frozen haunch of ham….. Germany otherwise occupied, Britain kicks sand in Italy’s face. With things getting a bit too quiet in the main bar, Britain and Canada start throwing pickled eggs at Germany’s back.

 

Germany and Russia, encouraged by their new buddies Romania, Croatia, Slovenia, Hungary, Finland and Ukraine, have started a serious game of Russian Roulette in the freezer, so Germany fails to hear Italy’s pitiful screams for help.

 

Italy, having decided that beating up on Ethiopia was training enough to punch at their own weight level, decided to take on Britain, but runs away after getting sodomized by their giant British boot.

 

Meanwhile, our friendly bartender Switzerland is still sitting there, watching this all unfold, dishtowel in one hand, drink in the other, ducking the occasional flying bottle/chairleg/billiard ball. Our other friendly bartender Sweden is still sitting there, watching, order pad in one hand, weapons licenses for sale in the other and selling brass knuckles to both sides.

 

USA, Canada and England now working together, piledrive Italy and knock them unconscious. Then, South Africa, New Zealand and Poland (who left to get a new set of trousers and just got back) all join together and rain blows and kicks and elbows on Germany until it can’t help but beg for mercy. Even Brazil from down the street jumps in as does France who appears to be fine again. Italy and Germany decide that enough’s enough and cry for surrender, with the bar now completely and utterly ruined.

 

Japan is still poking USA in the back. With a little help from some engineers patronizing the bar, USA heaves the piano over the second floor railing and it lands with deafening noise squarely on Japans head. From underneath a tiny white flag rises from rubble.

 

If that wasn’t enough:

 

  1. And if the Korean war was a bar fight:
    Still bumped and bruised and quite possibly suffering brain damage after the beating taken the previous night, Germany now completely pacified sits around the bar with friends and former enemies. Joining him to his left is his rather unintelligent and impressionable younger brother, East Germany who he has called up to help him clean up the enormous mess that is left of the bar from the last couple of nights mishaps.
    Japan is now sat comfortably at the American table, now cut down too size and quite content with himself although slightly irritated with Russia for stealing his Shikotan hat.
    After two nights of vicious brawls most people in the bar seem to have lost their will to fight, especially under the supervision of the new bartender United Nations.
    Trying to make amends USA buys Germany, France, Belgium, Holland, Norway, Denmark, Italy and Britain some drinks and announces that from now on they shall all be best of buddies. Russia slightly angered tells USA that if he cannot have a free drink also then he cannot be friends with him or the rest of his new buddies in the Eastern League darts team who he tells USA that East Germany is now joining, violently snatching him with one arm away from beside Germany just before USA can buy him a drink. Germany shocked and in his battered state unable to do anything begs USA to help him. Steadfastly refusing to pull East Germany back over to the western side of the bar the USA does however march over to East Germany brushing Russia aside and firmly places one cold pint down before him after another, all the while beckoning to Russia not to start another brawl.
    With the mood of the bar slowly becoming more hostile, the Far Eastern corner suddenly becomes centre of attention where China has surprisingly had a complete personality change after having a seemingly endless migraine. One of Russia’s new buddies North Korea is starting to argue more and more angrily with his non-identical twin brother South Korea over who rightfully owns the Korean bar table with one each sitting at each end of it, deeply concerning Japan, China and Russia who are trying to enjoy their drinks nearby.
    Eventually North Korea snaps and dives across the table and punches South Korea square in the face where he stumbles back towards Japan’s table, who along with United Nations looks on in horror to the cheers of Russia and China who is now proudly wearing his bearskin Cossack. USA throws a shoe across the room at North Korea but he just brushes it off and continues to rain blow after blow on South Korea much to USA’s dismay.
    Eventually just as North Korea is about to land a knockout blow and send South Korea crashing back on to the Japanese table the USA jumps in from behind and starts beating the living day lights out of North Korea with a baseball bat.
    Stunned by this chain of event North Korea stumbles back in a daze towards China’s table. China concerned that the close proximity of the fighting may result in the spilling of his ale warns USA to halt close to his table. Although, overconfident after his earlier disagreement with Russia USA continues to pulverise him until eventually North Korea falls backwards and knocks a few pints off the Chinese table where they smash on the floor.
    Surveying the mess he has made USA looks at the Chinese table pondering whether he should try and take a few of the remaining pints back to his own table. However by doing so he does not notice a furious China stand up and smash a large beer bottle over his head.
    Taken by surprise USA takes a few steps back and quickly tries to dodge blow after blow that China now reigns down on him with a Snooker cue. North Korea makes a surprising recovery and jumps back into the fight only to be picked up again and thrown half way back over the Korean table.
    Suddenly the fight starts to take on the characteristics of a brawl when South Korea jumps back in closely followed by Britain, Australia, Canada, Belgium, Greece, South Africa, Turkey, Norway, Sweden, New Zealand and even Ethiopia. Russia sits on the sideline throwing beer glasses at USA from a safe distance all the while telling them to stop. Despite United Nations screams to stop from the sidelines, trying to keep the damage to a minimum the fight carries on, with USA punching China three times very hard in the face.
    Although the fighting soon mostly dies down, the two sides stare at each other menacingly for about ten minutes trying to agree who started the fight and China demands that South Korea give up his seat at the Korean table. Soon however both sides start to get bored and China agrees that South Korea can stay at the table after all. Almost everyone shakes and makes up although North Korea and South Korea stare each other down from their respective ends of the table occasionally flicking the odd peanut at each other.
     
     

 

 

 

 

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"Despite United Nations screams to stop from the sidelines..."

 

Ah, the Useless Nations. Living on welfare, never worked or achieved anything in decades.

The UN has sponsored many successful peace settlements and helped much of humankind, but yes, GG it also has corruption, wastes a lot of money and often fails. Just like big corporations.

 

So, GG what/who would you recommend take over from the UN?

 

 

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Thanks Old Koreelah . I reckon WW1 had as much justification as a bar fight. And just like a bar fight, a lot of guys had less fun that they thought they would. But didn't it give us some great aircraft?

 

 

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You wouldn't be able to do that comparison with all the modern wars - Iraq, Afghanistan, Iraq... the buggers don't drink!

...maybe a reason for the current mess in that part of the world- plus all that strong coffee.

 

 

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I am trying to remember what succeses the UN has had. So far memory fails me. Korea, No Viet nam, No Cyprus, No. Africa, nearly all of it, No. Middle East, No.

 

Please remind me somebody.

 

 

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I am trying to remember what succeses the UN has had. So far memory fails me. Korea, No Viet nam, No Cyprus, No. Africa, nearly all of it, No. Middle East, No.Please remind me somebody.

"The U.N. has peacefully negotiated 172 peace settlements that have ended regional conflicts and is credited with participation in over 300 international treaties on topics as varied as human rights conventions to agreements on the use of outer space and the oceans." http://newshour-tc.pbs.org/newshour/extra/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2014/03/un_sh_background.pdf

 

 

But wait, there's more...

 

http://theflame.unishanoi.org/opinion/2013/10/30/top-9-greatest-achievements-of-the-united-nations/

 

 

Etcetera...

 

We don't notice what goes on in the background. Sure the UN has failed in many situations, mostly due to the veto given to permanent members of the Security Council. An early proposal to set up a UN "police force" (remember The Man From UNCLE?) was torpedoed by the Americans, who thought they were the world's policemen.

 

 

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This sort of thing has been happening all over the third world wherever the UN are active, pretty sure it counts as another 'fail' situation:

 

UN peacekeepers forced hundreds of Haitian women to have sex with them in return for food and medicine according to report that found exploitation is widespread, with a third of victims under 18

 



  • Members of peacekeeping mission engaged in 'transactional sex' with more than 225 Haitian women
     


     
     

 

 

 

 

  • Shocking findings in UN Office of Internal Oversight Services draft report
     


     
     

 

 

 

 

  • Report says for rural women, 'hunger, lack of shelter' and need for 'baby care items, medication and household items' were exploited
     


     
     

 

 

 

 

  • 'In cases of non-payment, some women withheld badges of peacekeepers and threatened to reveal their infidelity via social media', report says
     


     
     

 

 

 

 

 

 

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This sort of thing has been happening all over the third world wherever the UN are active, pretty sure it counts as another 'fail' situation:

UN peacekeepers forced hundreds of Haitian women to have sex with them in return for food and medicine according to report that found exploitation is widespread, with a third of victims under 18

 



  • Members of peacekeeping mission engaged in 'transactional sex' with more than 225 Haitian women
     


     
     

 

 

 

 

  • Shocking findings in UN Office of Internal Oversight Services draft report
     


     
     

 

 

 

 

  • Report says for rural women, 'hunger, lack of shelter' and need for 'baby care items, medication and household items' were exploited
     


     
     

 

 

 

 

  • 'In cases of non-payment, some women withheld badges of peacekeepers and threatened to reveal their infidelity via social media', report says
     


     
     

A very disappointing situation GG. Soldiers exploiting their power over vulnerable civilians is not new and not confined to the UN; and don't imagine our fellas have never been guilty of this.

 

 

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This sort of thing has been happening all over the third world wherever the UN are active, pretty sure it counts as another 'fail' situation:

UN peacekeepers forced hundreds of Haitian women to have sex with them in return for food and medicine according to report that found exploitation is widespread, with a third of victims under 18

 



  • Members of peacekeeping mission engaged in 'transactional sex' with more than 225 Haitian women
     


     
     

 

 

 

 

  • Shocking findings in UN Office of Internal Oversight Services draft report
     


     
     

 

 

 

 

  • Report says for rural women, 'hunger, lack of shelter' and need for 'baby care items, medication and household items' were exploited
     


     
     

 

 

 

 

  • 'In cases of non-payment, some women withheld badges of peacekeepers and threatened to reveal their infidelity via social media', report says
     


     
     

If true it is deplorable. Not trying to justify it in the slightest but I suppose that "transactional sex" is better than rape and killing, which in many cases is what they would face from the warring factions the UN tries to stop.

 

 

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and don't imagine our fellas have never been guilty of this.

By 'our fellas' you mean the Australian Armed forces? Do you seriously believe the Australian Armed forces have systematically raped hundreds of women like this?

 

I can't get my head around your thought train here Old Koreelah. If this was say a Catholic Church operation would you respond the same? "It's disappointing but we are just as bad" Yeah, probably not I'd say.

 

 

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By 'our fellas' you mean the Australian Armed forces? Do you seriously believe the Australian Armed forces have systematically raped hundreds of women like this?I can't get my head around your thought train here Old Koreelah. If this was say a Catholic Church operation would you respond the same? "It's disappointing but we are just as bad" Yeah, probably not I'd say.

Disappointing or deplorable. Just words.

I presumed you were having a go at the UN. My point is that these outrages happen in most war zones, so why blame the UN? Probably no nationality has a clean record, but I also think our fellas are much more professional than many.

 

 

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60 years and about 3 cuccesses per year. That is a record and not of the guinness Book type. they seem to me to be a self perpetuating business, which thrives on not getting problems solved. they just like to big note themselves for providing aid, which if they were doing what is needed would never be required. I still can;t think of anything I would call a success. Of course having the power of Veto prevents anything happening and that power will never be relinquished by the USA, so you can see how committed the US is to democracy.

 

The UN is just used by the major powers to let them have their own way over the rest of the worls.

 

 

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...The UN is just used by the major powers to let them have their own way over the rest of the worls.

...and without that forum for grandstanding, venting, communicating, organising deals...what would those major powers be doing? The UN is a bit like democracy: our least worst form of government. Like any democracy it depends on the participants getting involved.

 

 

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