Quotes

[Guest Thrasher]

quotes

 

An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.

 

Dormitory - Dirty Room

 

Desperation - A Rope Ends It

 

The Morse Code - Here Come Dots

 

Slot Machines - Cash Lost in 'em

 

Mother-in-law - Woman Hitler

 

Semolina - Is No Meal

 

A Decimal Point - I'm a Dot in Place

 

The Earthquakes - That Queer Shake

 

Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one

 

Contradiction - Accord not in it

 

Finally,

 

President Clinton of the USA

 

The Anagram:

 

To copulate he finds interns

 

Headline

 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

 

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

 

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

 

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

 

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

 

Steals Clock, Faces Time

 

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

 

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

 

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What is the difference between frustration and panic?

 

Frustration is the first time you find you can't do something a second time.

 

Panic is the second time you find you can't do something the first time.

 

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Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.

 

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Oxymorons:

 

We are not anticipating any emergencies.

 

Those who forget this sentence are condemned to reread it.

 

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

 

Act natural.

 

"This report is filled with omissions."

 

I can't remember having a more memorable time.

 

No one goes to that restaurant anymore--it's always too crowded.

 

By definition, one divided by zero is undefined.

 

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Some key definition:

 

TRAFFIC LIGHT

 

apperatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

 

TELEVISION

 

movies where people don't step on your feet.

 

MOVIES

 

television where people don't interupt with unexpected visits.

 

TRANSIT COMPANY

 

group that complains of bad business when all passengers get a seat.

 

BACHELOR OF SCIENCE

 

one who has mastered the science of remaining a bachelor.

 

PIONEER

 

early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

 

PEOPLE

 

some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.

 

LOVE

 

unseen when it comes, but visible when it goes.

 

SWIMMING POOL

 

a mob of people with water in it.

 

SELF-CONTROL

 

the ability to eat only one peanut.

 

CANNIBAL

 

person who likes to see other people stewed.

 

FOREIGN FILM

 

any movie shown in Texas theatre that isn't a western.

 

MAGAZINE

 

bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

 

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Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off.

 

If walking is so good for fitness, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut??

 

Seen on a pizza delivery truck: "WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition"

 

My wife told me she needed a plastic surgery, so I cut her credit cards into halves.

 

If we quit voting will they all go away?

 

Eat right, exercise, die anyway

 

He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit

 

I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere

 

Traffic lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph

 

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps my kids in touch

 

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

 

"Man who keeps to middle of the road...

 

Get run over from BOTH directions!"

 

"During the earthquake, Bill's zip code changed three times before he got out of bed.

 

Question on government questionnaire : "Have you ever committed suicide?"

 

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.

 

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

 

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

 

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

 

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

 

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

 

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

 

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

 

One of the check-out counter has a sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

 

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

 

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

 

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

 

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

 

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

 

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

 

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

 

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

 

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

 

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

 

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

 

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

 

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

 

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

 

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said its "Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

 

Its a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they would stay up there...Confuse the hunters.

 

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.

 

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

 

Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.

 

What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?

 

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

 

You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

 

You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.

 

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid to worry.

 

"I ran three miles today....ahh, finially I said,"Lady, take your purse."

 

I don't know if the death penalty ever stopped anyone from killin', but it stops 'em from killin' again.

 

The best way to keep teenagers at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of the tires.

 

I just don't understand women. Why don't they come with a instruction manual?

 

A Bible in the hand is worth two on the shelf.

 

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

 

Considering the flames and intolerance, shouldn't USENET be spelled ABUSENET?

 

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?