Please Don't read if Blondie Jokes offend

[Nev25]

A blonde drivin down the road when she hears a siren behind her.

 

She pulls over and a blonde female copper walks up and asks for her license.

 

The blonde fumbles around in her bag for a few seconds and then asks the cop what it looks like.

 

The copper replies, its a small square thing with your picture on it.

 

The blonde fumbles around some more and pulls out a small mirror, looks into it and hands it to the cop.

 

The blonde cop looks at it and hands it back and appologises saying

 

"sorry ma'am, i wouldn't have pulled you over if i knew you were a cop too

 

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.

 

"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"

 

After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

 

They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.

 

Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.

 

Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."

 

The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"

 

The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

 

A blonde goes into a store that sells curtains.

 

She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

 

The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed her several patterns,but the blonde seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

 

Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print.

 

The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.

 

The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."

 

"Fifteen inches??", asked the salesman, "that sounds very small.

 

What room are they for?" The blonde says, "Oh, they are not for any room - they are for my computer monitor."

 

The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains."

 

The blonde says,

 

" Hellooooooooo - I've got Windows."

 

 

[Guest Peggy2]

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to economy because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

 

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the co-pilot.

 

The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

 

 

[Guest Peggy2]

A blonde piano teacher gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense.

 

As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running from seat to seat shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BOeing"..... she sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise.

 

Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!"

 

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

 

 

[Nev25]

Bum Steer

 

 

 

 

A blonde woman walks into a chemist and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

 

 

 

The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

 

 

 

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock, or have ever sold, such an item. She smiles at the thick blonde pillock and says, "One moment please, I will get the chemist."

 

 

 

The chemist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?"

 

 

 

"I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the blonde.

 

 

 

"I'm sorry," says the chemist, "we don't have any."

 

 

 

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

 

 

 

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

 

 

 

"Yes!" Said the blonde, "I will go and get it."

 

 

 

She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to the her, "This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant."

 

 

 

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Lamiunto]

The blonde goes to see her lawyer. "I want to divorce my husband," she says.

 

"On what grounds?"

 

"Infidelity, I don't think he's the father of my child."

 

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What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

 

I hope it's mine!

 

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawn mower?

 

Your green 'Welcome' mat is ripped to shreds.

 

What did the blonde's mom say before she left for a date?

 

If you're not in bed by 10, come home.

 

Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?

 

To see what's on the other side.

 

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Two blondes are walking down the street. One blonde finds a little mirror. She looks in it, and looks in it again. With puzzlement written all over her face, she turns to her friend and says, "I just know I've seen this face before!"

 

"Give it to me," says the other blonde, she looks in the mirror and says, "Of course you have, silly! It's me!"

 

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Two blondes walk into a pub, sit at the bar, and order two drinks. They raise their glasses in a raucous toast: "Fifty-one days!"

 

They glug their glasses, hug each other, and order another round. Again, they clink their glasses: "Fifty-one days!"

 

By the fourth round, the barman is getting a little curious. "Pardon me ladies, but what exactly are you celebrating? Why do you keep drinking a toast to fifty-one days?"

 

And the first blonde looks at him and says, "You'll never believe it. The two of us managed to complete an entire jigsaw puzzle in only fifty-one days!"

 

"Fifty-one days?" echoes the barman, "What's so good about that?"

 

And the second blonde gives him a really mean look and replies, "It said 2 to 4 years on the box!"