Some more "bad" one liner jokes

[Owi]

1. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am?

 

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

 

2. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

 

Talk about Dyson with death.

 

3. Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.

 

"Really?" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

 

4. I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!

 

At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

 

5. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker... Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

 

6. Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

 

At first I was afraid then I was petrified.

 

7. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.

 

So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 

8. A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

 

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

 

9. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.

 

As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,

 

3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.

 

I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"

 

10. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70.

 

"Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

 

11. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

 

12. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

 

13. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

 

14. I was driving this morning when I saw an NRMA van parked on the side of the road.

 

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

 

I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

 

15. I just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. He wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.

 

 

[shags_j]

These are great. Good to get a smile early in the morning.