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'GOD SAVE THE QUEEN'........................ without breaking the rules !!!!















Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."












Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."












Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"












Hardy: "Sorry sir?"












Nelson (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.''




What gobbledygook is this?"










Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now.




We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."










Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."












Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."











Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."












Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."












Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it........ full speed ahead."












Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."












Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."












Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."












Nelson: "What?"












Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations.






They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."










Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."












Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."












Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."












Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."












Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."












Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."












Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."












Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats.






And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"










Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."












Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."












Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"












Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone.






There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."










Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"












Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."












Nelson: "We're not?"












Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water.






We could get hit with a claim for compensation."










Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."












Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that, sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."












Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."












Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."












Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"












Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."












Nelson: "What about sodomy?"











Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."












Nelson: "In that case ....kiss me, Hardy." :bad computer:









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