Tales from the RAF

[Guest Canberra Man]

Try these for a laugh.

 

We have a new erk on the dispersal and I'm showing him round the Lincoln on a 'Need to know' basis. It was a cold day and as the NAAFI wagon had been, we took our coffee and wads up into the nose out of the wind and I carried on my chat. When break was over we tidied up and before I could stop him, the newbie threw his coffee dregs down what looked like a drain in the floor. It wasn't a drain, much worse. There was a bang and a thud and a ten man dinghy burst out of the wing root and inflated! The look alike drain was the flotation switch for the dinghy in case of a ditching at sea. The new boy was charged and had seven days CC and had to pay £5 towards the cost of reinstalling the dinghy.

 

Ken.

 

 

[Tomo]

Well there you go.... learn something new every day!

 

Moral the story, drink your coffee faster so you don't get anything in the bottom of the cup that you don't won't to drink!!

 

;)

 

 

[Guest Canberra Man]

A Canberra was going on a navex and I was out front controlling things. I pointed to the port engine, there was a bang from the turbo starter, a cloud of black smoke and she settled to idle. I pointed to the starboard engine and all hell was let loose, the turbo starter exploded, broken turbine blades went through the fuselage into number one tank and kerosene poured out on to the still burning pieces of the cartridge, the whole lot went up. The aircrew were out in ten seconds flat, they even had their chutes, they would have had to pay for them otherwise. A phone call to the fire section had their brand new fire engine rushing round the peri track. It screeched to a halt in fron of the inferno and an erk in gents natty asbestos suiting with a big helmet on jumped down and pointed a big pipe at the bonfire. He shouted. "Send it froo". The trouble was noffink came 'froo'. They had been so busy polishing their new toy, they had forgotten to put foam in it. We were now standing in a big circle warming our hands. Then the cockpit coaming and the wheel hubs which are magnesium alloy went up with a bright flash. We looked the other way. Then somone muttered. "What about the ejector seats, we all stepped back a few more yards. There was a tripple explosion and three steel tubes with the remains of the seats still attached soared two hundred feet into the air. The next day there was a perfect silhouette of a Canberra burnt into the tarmac with two Avons still in sittu. There were also new faces at the fire section in a few days.

 

Ken

 

 

[shags_j]

Lol. That's gold

 

 

[Guest ozzie]

Why does that scene from 'those magnificent men...' keep popping into my mind.

 

you know, the one with Benny Hill and the old fire truck roaring around the airfield.

 

 

[Guest Sharp End]

In the dim and not-so-distant past, I flew into RAF Lossiemouth in northern Scotland with shiney new Tonka-toy (Tornado) and bumped into an old mate from basic training. We hadn't seen each other for several years - he went off to METS (multi engine training school) and I went to the faster stuff. Anyway, he had an 8 Squadron patch on his arm. 8 flew Shackletons... a development of the WWII Lancaster bomber, but with four big RR Griffon engines each with twin counter-rotating propellors in the Airborne Early Warning role (i.e tedious!).

 

When I greeted him with the quip, "so - you joined the kipper fleet huh?!!" he just pointed at the patch on his other arm.

 

It said: "Eight screws... far better than two blow jobs!" ;)

 

 

[Guest Canberra Man]

One of the Canberras has developed a strange fault, after 1/2 an hour flying time both engines lost approx' 20% thrust, Rolls Royce are contacted and duly a 'boffin' arrives. To say he became the most disliked person at Binbrook was an understatemt. Our Sgt/elec/fit called on me and told me that while this Canberra was at the dispersal, one of the engine mechs thought one of the fuel pumps was noisy and would I have look. I went into the hangar and had a look round, no sign of the boffin, so I climbed into the cockpit, no warning notices and switched on the suspect pump. Then I heard it, it sounded like yarooh. splash gurgle, rotter! Then, it arrived, the apparition. It was the boffin, covered from head to feet with kerosene. He gurgled something like. I'm going, squelch, gurgle splash, to report, hiccup, you to the flight, splash sergeant. When he swam back!!! He told me I was for it and the Fl/Sgt wanted to see me.

 

I went to the Maint Office and knocked, went in and waited for the tirade, it didn't come!!

 

He grinned and said."Bloody good show, he was getting on everybodies nerves, when he gets round to the starboard engine, you have my permission to do it again. I've just rung the CO up and he's still laughing.

 

Of course, you all want know what the problem was. This Canberra was made at Short & Harland at Belfast and the fuel pipes are a strong composition rubber encased in braided stainless steel and the pipes had been pushed too far into the corners of the airframe and at high pressures in the fuel system, the rubber was kinking, restricting the fuel flow. This particular gent left and the expert who came in his place had thing right in a few hours.

 

Ken

 

 

[BigPete]

Brilliant stuff Ken, :thumb_up: I'm hangin' for the next instalment. :big_grin:

 

regards

 

:big_grin::big_grin:

 

 

[dazza 38]

In the dim and not-so-distant past, I flew into RAF Lossiemouth in northern Scotland with shiney new Tonka-toy (Tornado) and bumped into an old mate from basic training. We hadn't seen each other for several years - he went off to METS (multi engine training school) and I went to the faster stuff. Anyway, he had an 8 Squadron patch on his arm. 8 flew Shackletons... a development of the WWII Lancaster bomber, but with four big RR Griffon engines each with twin counter-rotating propellors in the Airborne Early Warning role (i.e tedious!).When I greeted him with the quip, "so - you joined the kipper fleet huh?!!" he just pointed at the patch on his other arm.

 

It said: "Eight screws... far better than two blow jobs!" ;)

You and i have a little bit in common, Sharp End, you flew a Tonka, and i worked on them for two years, although for BAE systems in Saudi Arabia. Where you ever seconded to train Saudi Pilots?.I went to Lossiemouth for a week, for training a very nice place.I couldnt work out why the posts beside the road were so HIGH, until someone told me it was because of the snow.I was their in summer of 1998.Cheers

 

 

[Guest Sharp End]

Hi Dazza,

 

I did my last Tonka tour at the TWCU (Tornado Weapons Conversion Unit aka 45 Squadron) based at RAF Honington in Suffolk, UK from 1987 to 1990. As an ACI (Air Combat Instructor) I got to train a few Saudi Air Force guys, sitting in the back while they did their basic Air Combat Training. We only really grazed the surface of ACT with the Saudis, as we couldn't "chop" them - it would've been a political minefield to try. So basic 1v1 was about it and in 1988 I even had to pass the guy who managed to get a red fuel light illuminated on the warning panel. In the GR1 Tonka a red meant 50kg or less in the collector tank i.e imminent flame out. He'd selected "underwings" on the fuel control panel instead of "Auto" and without a repeater in the back of the trainer you couldn't tell. Needless to say, the underwings fed - then after a few minutes ACT (i.e LOTS of use of reheat) they ran dry and the system reverted to feeding from the collector. At this stage he would've got a yellow fuel light in the front, but this was not repeated in the back and the yellow warnings didn't set off the audio warner (clangers) so I had no idea of the impending lack-of-fuel induced silence. With the clangers blaring in my ears and the red FUEL light burning my retinas, I screamed "knock it off" over the radio to stop the fight, selected idle-idle and got boy blunder in the front to check "Auto"... it was almost impossible to see the front seat fuel control panel from the back, but I managed to see a hand reach into that general area and then the red fuel light went out. I asked if he'd selected Auto. He said, "no, it was already in Auto". Bloody lying sh!thead!!! Hmmm, remember - there was no such thing a as a bad Saudi student, only bad RAF instructors! I asked him to take me home, told Number Two we were RTB with a minor fuel problem and quizzed my new found friend on what could possibly have caused the situation. He had no real clue. In the post flight write-up I recommended this particular Saudi be re-examined for systems knowledge as his flying wasn't so bad - but I still wonder to this day if he would have worked it out for himself? He complained about my instructional ability after he was told by his boss that he had to undertake a systems revision course and exams. i_dunno All this was a bit before your Lossie time - ahhh, thems was the daze! :thumb_up:

 

S-E

 

 

[dazza 38]

That brings back some memories, the ground guys arent much better.We used to take them to their exams, we all had one or two to look after.This was in Saudi, anyway their exams were all multi guess. For them to pass, you would have to stand beside them as they did their exam.It goes something like this. A, B, C, or D.Every question they would look at you with a blank face.We couldnt give them the direct answer, so we would go, A, well maybe, B, well maybe, C well maybe, NOW D thats looks good. What do you think, still a blank face from them. Anyway they would get the hint eventually.I went into a hangar were their was a F15 S, no joke, they must have been short of jacks. It was sitting their on its nose Gear, Right hand main Gear, Left Main gear removed with car tyres stacked on top of each other, supporting the a/c via Left hand wing.I dont remember being taught that in my trade Training LOL

 

 

[Guest Canberra Man]

Hi.

 

New tradesmen are bedded in with a few pranks. This one was a cracker! The new engine mech was kidded that periodically, the rear bearing of the Avon was checked for corrosion and cracks and this entailled going up the tail pipe with a torch and inspecting same. Before he was stuffed into the orifice, he was told to watch out for the JPT probes. As soon as he was in, I shot round to the cockpit, switched on the 24 volts, reached pver and switched on the port ignition ( no worry, it was on a between flight inspection, so no cartridges in place), this system is 20 amps at 2,000 volts and makes one hell of a cracking sound. I shot round to the back to see the fun and I was too late, he was out! It was a talking point for a few days as to how a five foot nine bloke could turn round in in a three foot diameter tail pipe, miss the JPT probes, under stress and still bring the torch!

 

Ken

 

 

[Deskpilot]

It's surprising what can be done 'under stress'. We had a Hunter that was used for aero's and the C.O.'s pleasure. One day, some erk was working in the cockpit when the barometric trigger on the ejection seat started clicking. He threw himself forward and hugged the instrument panel as the seat fired, taking part of the canopy and finally embedding itself into the hanger roof. He was unhurt but badly shaken.

 

On subsequent tests, he could not find a way to hug that panel without seat striking him as it was hoisted up it's rails. One very lucky chap.

 

 

[Guest Canberra Man]

We were on detachment in Malaya at RAF Butterworth (There was also a Aussie squadron there flying Sabres, grand lads.) There was a monsoon storm blowing up and as it broke, we sheltered under the wheel bay. The storm was getting nearer and one of the lads jumped on thr tyre and said he would be safe on the rubber tyre! Little did he know! The storm hit us a huge bolt of lightning hit the fin, the tip tanks dropped, the canopy and hatch detonators blew and the lad on the wheel gave squeal of pain and juimped of the tyre. "I thought I would be safe on rubber". He howled. I told him that there is a percentage of graphite in the rubber mix and when the aircraft touches down, the friction causes heat which makes the graphite conduct and run the static build up to earth. It also caused him to transmit some static himself which caused the pain!!!

 

Ken