Friarpuk

This brought tears to my eyes when I first read it. However, I must warn the more pious reader that some of the language is a "little" coarse. Friarpuk! ;)

If you can read this whole story without tears of laugher running down

your cheeks then there's no hope for you!

**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the

first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For

those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They

actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It

takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes

are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas

from the East Coast.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions

to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other

two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,

besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I

accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event

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Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

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Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2--Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 --Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

flames out. I hope that's the one. These Texans are crazy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

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Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted

to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they

saw the look on my face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3-- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get

me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from

all of the beer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. wench is starting to

look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an

aphrodisiac!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I

can no longer focus my eyes.

I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant

seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.

Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from

the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me

off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Screw those rednecks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips

anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried

about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to

match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.

I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not

getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through

the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased

his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for

a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were

supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I

loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND

pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue

arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on

the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,

thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two

triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I

really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I

must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)

and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going

to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did

want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one

hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient

your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms

and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring

about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really

and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,

'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but

I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst

from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided

to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the

prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF

GOD . . .

WEAPONS

OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in

the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over

again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears

in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to

be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,

and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to

a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to

avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one

note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you

zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand

by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be

considered conservative?

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and

surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of

the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it

originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still

twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my

bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense

of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I

believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm

offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

http://www.shortwing.org/TestSite/index.php?module=article&view=7&lay_quiet=1

Pilots 10 Commandments

Ten Commandments that are good for all pilots to adhere lest bad things happen.

Ten Commandments for Pilots

1. Thou shalt abstain from the intersection takeoff for verily the runway behind thee, as the altitude above thee, and the fuel remaining in the blessed fuel truck, cometh not to thine aid when thou needest them.

2. Thou shalt not linger on active runways lest thou become like seeds cast unto the fields.

3. Ignorest thou not thy checklists for many are the switches, handles, gauges, and other demons awaiting to take cruel vengence upon thee.

4. Thou shalt cast thine eyes to thy right and also to thy left as thou passeth through the firmament lest thy fellow pilots bring flowers to thy widow and comfort her in other ways.

5. Buzzeth not, for this shall surely incur the wrath of thy neighbors, and the fury of the FAA shall be cast down upon thee.

6. Thou shalt be ever mindful of thy fuel lest there be nothing in thy tank to sustain thee upon the air and thy days be made short.

7. Trust not thine eyes to lead thee through the cloud lest the archangel await thee therein.

8. Thou shalt not trespass into the thunderstorm lest the tempest rend the wings from thy chariot and cast thee naked into the firmament.

9. Put not thy trust in weather prophets for when the truth is not in them, they shall not accompany thee among thy ancestors.

10. Oft shalt thou confirm thine airspeed on final approach, lest the earth rise up and smite thee.

Hope you enjoy these, I found at the address above...

Friarpuk

Hi folks

Just wondering if anyone else failed to get there April edition of the RAA Mag. I didn't get my edition, and nor did another fellow I know. I ended up ringing the office in Canberra and now they are sending me one. But I am wonder if anyone else found themselves in the same situation, or perhaps there was just a mailing glitch with my mag.

Friarpuk

If he descended in a hurry, chances are he has ascended far above those balloons' max height into the unseen realm. Personally I'd rather not hurry my entry into glory by putting faith in balloons. As a man of the cloth I put my faith in Jesus Christ, while enjoying airborne experiences in a Jabiru.

Friarpuk

Yep found those zip files the other day. Actually bookmarked the web page. Still looking for the College of Civil Aviation Correspondence course material though!

Friarpuk

My instructor has a kane but can't locate a book for it anywhere, he just remembers the 'good old days' when the Civ Av Correspondence course explained its function well.

Not sure what my instructor actually wants, I'll ask him. But I remember him showing me the bottom of his computer and saying he want to re-read how that section works. That was after he had worked out a flight plan with another student by using the regular method of dialing up air speed and wind direction, marking the wind speed, then dialing up the direction of the flight path. The thing he pointed to was below all this stuff.

Other than that I am a bit vague as I am still only on the circuit stage of training and haven't seriously studied these things yet.

Although if I can get a hold of the Kane documentation then he says he will teach me how to quickly and simply us the Kane Computer

Friarpuk

Hi Folks

I'm seeking advice on the J200.

I am interested in buying one that is part way built, however it is some distance from me, and before I decide whether I go and see it I just need to know what differences there are between J200s and the J230s. I have looked for pics and info on the web, without much sucess.

Is there someone out there that might have some info or manuals on the J200 in electronic form they might be able to email to me?

Or perhaps a few pics of their interiors, especially the dash and the controls layout?

thanks

Friarpuk

It was Friarpuk who asked what it was, not Yenn!

Anyway I have learnt a lot more about the kane computer since and this is the actual thing we need from the College of Civil Aviation Correspondence course.

I have received some advice but it was for the Dalton Computer.

We need the instructions for the Kane, especially for the section on the bottom of the computer that is not on the other newer computers out these days.

I now know what the computer is, my instructor has been using one for years, but has requested if I can find instructions for them. Apparently the Civil Aviation Correspondence course does a good job of explaining just this.

If anyone has this section of the course and can copy it and send it to me, I would really appreciate it!

Friarpuk

I'm not too sure what the Kane Computer actually is. My instructor told me that in his opinion this course has the best way to plan VFR navigation. He wishes that he had kept the course too.

Can you tell me, from what you have got, what it's correct title is and who published it. The year of publishing, and the author if it's got one. It might make my hunt just a little easier. I figure it's got to be in a libruary or in the back of an aero club cupboard somewhere.

Thanks Yenn

Hi folks:help:

I am asking on behalf of my computer iliterate instructor for anyone out there who might have access to an old correspondence aeronautical course called the College of Civil Aviation. From his memory it we arround in the late 50's and he is interested in anyone who might have the navigation section of this course.

If you've got it, give us a hoy!

Thanks

Friarpuk

Thanks for sharing this with us on the forum. As tragic as it is, you can always replace a machine, but the human body is another thing. Perhaps there were more individuals riding with you, protecting you, in your descent than just yourself. After you learn to live with your loss, there are many more wonderful flying machines to be driven through the firmament.

Friarpuk

G'day folks

Hi I'm Friarpuk, and if you think my name sounds like it belongs to a larger man who wears a white dress on Sundays, you're right!

Before I became a Lutheran pastor, I was a tv cameraman for 13+ years.

But even before that I was obsessed with flying.

I have flown RC model planes and gliders for years, and in television spent a considerable amont of times hanging from helicopters with a tv camera over fires and floods etc. Taking pics of planes or from planes was always a bonus!

As a padre at Chinchilla Qld I have opportunity sometimes to fly out west with a retired 747 pilot who owns a Aerocommander Shrike taking church services in the bush. We would take services on Saturday and Sunday at key times like Easter and Christmas.

Sunday morning before too much turbulance kicked in I was given opportunity to hold the controls and keep the machine at 7500 and on heading. No doubt I loved it.

Now I am taking lessons with Mike Tuohy at Chinchilla in a Jab J160, and I find myself wondering why I didn't waste my money on flying lessons when I was younger, rather than the nonsense I use to get up to. It's so much harder with a family and other commitments these days, but what the heck it's only money. I'm just trying to figure out how a Jabiru might descend from the heavens, aerial manna from heaven one might say, that would appease my realisation that flying is the way to go.

Great days and good airmanship to you all

blessings

Friarpuk