Chili Cook-off

[Friarpuk]

This brought tears to my eyes when I first read it. However, I must warn the more pious reader that some of the language is a "little" coarse. Friarpuk! ;)

 

If you can read this whole story without tears of laugher running down

 

your cheeks then there's no hope for you!

 

 

**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the

 

first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For

 

those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They

 

actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It

 

takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes

 

are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas

 

from the East Coast.

 

 

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

 

cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

 

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions

 

to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other

 

two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,

 

besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I

 

accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event

 

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Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

 

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Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

 

Judge # 2--Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

 

Judge # 3 --Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could

 

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

 

flames out. I hope that's the one. These Texans are crazy.

 

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Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

 

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Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

 

Judge # 2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

 

Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

 

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted

 

to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they

 

saw the look on my face.

 

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Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

 

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Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

 

Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

 

Judge #3-- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

 

like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get

 

me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

 

backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from

 

all of the beer.

 

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Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

 

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Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

 

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

 

other mild foods, not much of a chili.

 

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

 

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was

 

standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. wench is starting to

 

look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an

 

aphrodisiac!

 

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Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

 

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Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

 

considerable kick. Very impressive.

 

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

 

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

 

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I

 

can no longer focus my eyes.

 

I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant

 

seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.

 

Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from

 

the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me

 

off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

 

Screw those rednecks.

 

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Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

 

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Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

 

spices and peppers.

 

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

 

Superb.

 

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

 

sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat

 

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

 

She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips

 

anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

 

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Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

 

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Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

 

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

 

chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried

 

about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

 

uncontrollably.

 

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

 

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

 

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which

 

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to

 

match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.

 

I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not

 

getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through

 

the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

 

 

[Guest JRMobile]

:help:yes bought tears to the eyes!!

[blueshed]

Very Scary, Do Not Try B4 Flight, unless you need rocket power:juggle:

 

Guy

 

 

[Ben Longden]

 

Oh gee, I cant see the screen for tears of laffter...

 

Ben