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Chili Cook-off


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This brought tears to my eyes when I first read it. However, I must warn the more pious reader that some of the language is a "little" coarse. Friarpuk! ;)


If you can read this whole story without tears of laugher running down


your cheeks then there's no hope for you!



**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the


first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For


those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They


actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It


takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes


are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas


from the East Coast.



Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili


cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I


happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions


to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other


two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,


besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I


accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event




Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili




Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.


Judge # 2--Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.


Judge # 3 --Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could


remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the


flames out. I hope that's the one. These Texans are crazy.




Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili




Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.


Judge # 2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.


Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm


supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted


to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they


saw the look on my face.




Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili




Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.


Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.


Judge #3-- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels


like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get


me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my


backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from


all of the beer.




Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic




Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.


Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or


other mild foods, not much of a chili.


Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to


taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was


standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. wench is starting to


look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an






Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover




Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding


considerable kick. Very impressive.


Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit


the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.


Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I


can no longer focus my eyes.


I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant


seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.


Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from


the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me


off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.


Screw those rednecks.




Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety




Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of


spices and peppers.


Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.




Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,


sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat


through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.


She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips


anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.




Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili




Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.


Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of


chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried


about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing




Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I


wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds


like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which


slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to


match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.


I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not


getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through


the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



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