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I lost my license!!


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I am writing to you, because I need your help to get me bloody


pilot's license back. You keep telling me you got all the right


contacts. Well now's your chance to make something happen for me


because, mate, I'm bloody desperate. But first, I'd better tell you what


happened during my last flight review with the CASA Examiner.


On the phone, Ron (that's the CASA examiner) seemed a reasonable sort of bloke. He


politely reminded me of the need to do a flight review every two


years. He even offered to drive out, have a look over my property and


let me operate from my own strip. Naturally I agreed to that.


Anyway, Ron turned up last Wednesday. First up, he said he was a bit


surprised to see the plane on a small strip outside my homestead,


because the ALA (Authorized Landing Area) is about a mile away. I


explained that because this strip was so close to the homestead, it was


more convenient than the ALA, and despite the power lines crossing about


midway down the strip it's really not a problem to land and take-off,


because at the half-way point down the strip you're usually still on the




For some reason Ron seemed nervous. So, although I had done the


pre-flight inspection only four days earlier, I decided to do it all


over again. Because the prick was watching me carefully, I walked around


the plane three times instead of my usual two.


My effort was rewarded because the color finally returned to Ron's


cheeks. In fact, they went a bright red. In view of Ron's obviously


better mood, I told him I was going to combine the test flight with some


farm work, as I had to deliver three poddy calves from the home paddock


to the main herd. After a bit of a chase I finally caught the calves and


threw them into the back of the ol' Cessna 172. We climbed aboard, but


Ron started getting' onto me about weight and balance calculations and


all that crap.. Of course I knew that sort of thing was a waste of time


because, calves like to move around a bit particularly when they see


themselves 500 feet off the ground! So, its bloody pointless trying to


secure them as you know. However, I did tell Ron that he shouldn't worry


as I always keep the trim wheel set on neutral to ensure we remain


pretty stable at all stages throughout the flight.


Anyway, I started the engine and cleverly minimized the warm-up time by


tramping hard on the brakes and gunning her to 2,500rpm. I then


discovered that Ron has very acute hearing, even though he was wearing a


bloody headset. Through all that noise he detected a metallic rattle and


demanded I account for it. Actually it began about a month ago and was


caused by a screwdriver that fell down a hole in the floor and lodged in


the fuel selector mechanism. The selector can't be moved now, but it


doesn't matter because it's jammed on 'All tanks', so I suppose that's


Okay. However, as Ron was obviously a real nit-picker, I blamed the


noise on vibration from a stainless steel thermos flask, which I keep in


a beaut little possie between the windshield and the magnetic compass.


My explanation seemed to relax Ron, because he slumped back in the seat


and kept looking up at the cockpit roof. I released the brakes to taxi


out, but unfortunately the plane gave a leap and spun to the right.


"Hell" I thought, "not the starboard wheel chock again". The bump jolted


Ron back to full alertness. He looked wildly around just in time to see


a rock thrown by the propwash disappear completely through the


windscreen of his brand new Commodore. "Now I'm really in trouble", I




While Ron was busy ranting about his car, I ignored his requirement that


we taxi to the ALA, and instead took off under the power lines. Ron


didn't say a word, at least not until the engine started coughing right


at the lift off point, then he bloody screamed his head off. "Oh God! Oh


God! Oh God!"


"Now take it easy, Ron" I told him firmly. "That often happens on


take-off and there is a good reason for it." I explained patiently that


I usually run the plane on standard MOGAS, but one day I accidentally


put in a gallon or two of kerosene. To compensate for the low octane of


the kerosene, I siphoned in a few gallons off super MOGAS and shook the


wings up and down a few times to mix it up. Since then, the engine has


been coughing a bit but in general it works just fine, if you know how


to coax it properly.


Anyway, at this stage Ron seemed to lose all interest in my flight test. He


pulled out some rosary beads, closed his eyes and became lost in


prayer. (I didn't think anyone was a Catholic these days). I selected


some nice music on the HF radio to help him relax.


Meanwhile, I climbed to my normal cruising altitude of 10,500 feet. I


don't normally put in a flight plan or get the weather because, as you


know getting Fax access out here is a friggin' joke and the bloody


weather is always 8/8 blue anyway. But since I had that near miss with a


Saab 340, I might have to change me thinking on that. Anyhow, on


leveling out I noticed some wild camels heading into my improved


pasture. I hate bloody camels, and always carry a loaded 303 clipped


inside the door of the Cessna just in case I see any of the bastards.


We were too high to hit them, but as a matter of principle, I decided to


have a go through the open window. Mate, when I pulled the bloody rifle


out, the effect on Ron was friggin' electric. As I fired the first shot


his neck lengthened by about six inches and his eyes bulged like a


rabbit with myxo. He really looked as if he had been jabbed with an


electric cattle prod on full power. In fact, Ron's reaction was so


distracting that I lost concentration for a second and the next shot


went straight through the port tyre. Ron was a bit upset about the


shooting (probably one of those pinko animal lovers I guess) so I


decided not to tell him about our little problem with the tyre.


Shortly afterwards I located the main herd and decided to do my fighter


pilot trick.


Ron had gone back to praying when, in one smooth sequence, I pulled on


full flaps, cut the power and started a sideslip from 10,500 feet down


to 500 feet at 130 knots indicated (the last time I looked anyway) and


the little needle rushing up to the red area on me ASI. What a buzz,


mate! About half way through the descent I looked back in the cabin to


see the calves gracefully suspended in mid air and mooing like crazy. I


was going to comment on this unusual sight, but Ron looked a bit green


and had rolled himself into the fetal position and was screamin' his


freakin' head off. Mate, talk about being in a bloody zoo. You should've


been there, it was so bloody funny!


At about 500 feet I leveled out, but for some reason we continued


sinking. When we reached 50 feet I applied full power but nothin'


happened; no noise no nothin'. Then, luckily, I heard me instructor's


voice in me head saying "carby heat, carby heat". So I pulled carby heat


on and that helped quite a lot, with the engine finally regaining full


power. Whew, that was really close, let me tell you!


Then mate, you'll never guess what happened next! As luck would have it,


at that height we flew into a massive dust cloud caused by the cattle


and suddenly went I.F. bloody R, mate. You would've been bloody


proud of me as I didn't panic once, not once, but I did make a mental


note to consider an instrument rating as soon as me gyro is repaired


(Something I've been meaning to do for a while now).


Suddenly Ron's elongated neck and bulging eyes reappeared. His mouth


opened wide, very wide, but no sound emerged. "Take it easy," I told


him. "we'll be out of this in a minute." Sure enough, about a minute


later we emerge; still straight and level and still at 50 feet.


Admittedly I was surprised to notice that we were upside down, and I


kept thinking to myself, "I hope Ron didn't notice that I had forgotten


to set the QNH when we were taxying". This minor tribulation forced me


to fly to a nearby valley in which I had to do a half roll to get


upright again.


By now the main herd had divided into two groups leaving a narrow strip


between them. "Ah!," I thought, "there's an omen. We'll land right


there." Knowing that the tyre problem demanded a slow approach, I flew a


couple of steep turns with full flap. Soon the stall warning horn was


blaring so loud in me ear that I cut its circuit breaker to shut it up,


but by then I knew we were slow enough anyway. I turned steeply onto a 75


foot final and put her down with a real thud. Strangely enough, I had


always thought you could only ground loop in a tail dragger but, as


usual, I was proved wrong again!


Halfway through our third loop, Ron at last recovered his sense of


humour. Talk about laugh. I've never seen the likes of it. He couldn't


stop. We finally rolled to a halt and I released the calves, who bolted


out of the aircraft like there was no tomorrow.


I then began picking clumps of dry grass. Between gut wrenching fits of


laughter, Ron asked what I was doing. I explained that we had to stuff


the port tyre with grass so we could fly back to the homestead. It was


then that Ron really lost the plot and started running away from the


aircraft. Can you believe it? The last time I saw him he was off into


the distance, arms flailing in the air and still shrieking with


laughter. I later heard that he had been confined to a psychiatric


institution - poor bugger!


Anyhow, mate, that's enough about Ron. The problem is I just got a


letter from CASA withdrawing, as they put it, my privileges to fly;


until I have undergone a complete pilot training course again and


undertaken another flight proficiency test. Now I admit that I made a


mistake in taxiing over the wheel chock and not setting the QNH using


strip elevation, but I can't see what else I did that was so bloody bad


that they have to withdraw me flamin' license. Can you?


Best regards Scotty :ah_oh:



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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 6 months later...
Guest mike_perth

thats very good


I love the line - and suddenly went I.F. bloody R, mate. You would've been bloody


proud of me as I didn't panic once





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  • 2 weeks later...

I reckon you did all right .. except for Carby Heat! 025_blush.gif.9304aaf8465a2b6ab5171f41c5565775.gif You need to remember the possibility of icing when you're coming down on idle! You'll run the risk of an accident if you're not more careful!!! :thumb_up:



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