More quick eez ...

[bexrbetter]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow that had come to town.

 

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set of a fine breed, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers Taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you know what these fetch in good condition?"

 

"Sticks?" Paddy quizzed ....

 

-------

 

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

 

I shouted "Where you off to Charlie?"

 

He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."

 

Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. .then said, "That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"

 

"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

 

-------

 

Interviewer: "What would you say was your greatest weakness?"

 

Applicant: "My honesty."

 

Interviewer: "Oh.. I don't think I'd consider honesty a weakness...."

 

Applicant: "I don't really give a shit what you think."

 

------

 

A farmer gets a phone call from his son.

 

"I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive."

 

"Shoot it," says the farmer, "and then bury it."

 

About 20mins later he gets another call..."

 

"Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?"

 

------

 

I was telling a girl called Linda in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

 

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try." .... After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

 

"Come on, what day was I born"?

 

I said, “Yesterday."

 

------

 

I then saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

 

I said, "Nice legs."

 

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

 

I said "Definitely!

 

Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

 

 

[bexrbetter]

I missed one ...

 

While booking into a Hotel, a Priest mentioned that he hoped the porn channel on his TV was disabled.

 

The Receptionist replied; "No it's standard porn you sick bastard!".

 

 

[Marty_d]

I was telling a girl called Linda in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try." .... After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

 

"Come on, what day was I born"?

 

I said, “Yesterday."

You know what the really sad thing is?

 

Back in my 20's I probably knew a couple of girls that would have fallen for that, but I never thought of it.

 

 

[Stoney]

I once bet a girl in a pub $5 that I could tell her starsign from feeling her boobs.

 

After 10 minutes I realised I was wrong and had to give her the $5.

 

Best bet I ever lost.