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*Email from **the Queen:*








*an important announcement regarding the USA*






*To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty




Queen Elizabeth II:*




*In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and




also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the




USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of




the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look




up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)*








*Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties




over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she




does not fancy).*








*Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America




without the need for further elections.*








*Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be




circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.*






*To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules




are introduced with immediate effect:** *








*1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'




'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'




without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced




by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your




vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').*






*2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such




as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of




communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let




Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be


adjusted to take into




account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'*






*4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,




or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows




that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for




shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or




speaking to a therapist,** then you're not ready to shoot grouse.*






*5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more




dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if




you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.*






*6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start




driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will




go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion




tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the




British sense of humour.*




*7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been




calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.*






*8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries




are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are




properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and




dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.*






*9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually




beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as




beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred




to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound




for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to




the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did




for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,




so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.*






*10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good




guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play




English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in




Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears




removed with a cheese grater.*




*11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of




proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New




Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play




rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not




involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body




armour like a bunch of nancies). *






*12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host




an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of




America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your




borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will




let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out




of their deliveries.*






*13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.*






*14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's




Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies




due (backdated to 1776).*






*15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with




saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;




plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.*











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