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Back to the good old days


kgwilson

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*Email from **the Queen:*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*an important announcement regarding the USA*

 

 

 

 

 

*To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty

 

 

 

Queen Elizabeth II:*

 

 

 

*In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and

 

 

 

also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the

 

 

 

USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of

 

 

 

the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look

 

 

 

up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties

 

 

 

over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she

 

 

 

does not fancy).*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America

 

 

 

without the need for further elections.*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be

 

 

 

circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.*

 

 

 

 

 

*To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules

 

 

 

are introduced with immediate effect:** *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'

 

 

 

'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'

 

 

 

without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced

 

 

 

by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your

 

 

 

vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').*

 

 

 

 

 

*2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such

 

 

 

as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

 

 

 

communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let

 

 

 

Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be

 

adjusted to take into

 

 

 

account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'*

 

 

 

 

 

*4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,

 

 

 

or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows

 

 

 

that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for

 

 

 

shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or

 

 

 

speaking to a therapist,** then you're not ready to shoot grouse.*

 

 

 

 

 

*5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more

 

 

 

dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if

 

 

 

you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.*

 

 

 

 

 

*6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start

 

 

 

driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will

 

 

 

go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion

 

 

 

tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the

 

 

 

British sense of humour.*

 

 

 

*7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

 

 

 

calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.*

 

 

 

 

 

*8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries

 

 

 

are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are

 

 

 

properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and

 

 

 

dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.*

 

 

 

 

 

*9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually

 

 

 

beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as

 

 

 

beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred

 

 

 

to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound

 

 

 

for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to

 

 

 

the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did

 

 

 

for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,

 

 

 

so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.*

 

 

 

 

 

*10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good

 

 

 

guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play

 

 

 

English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in

 

 

 

Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears

 

 

 

removed with a cheese grater.*

 

 

 

*11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of

 

 

 

proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New

 

 

 

Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play

 

 

 

rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not

 

 

 

involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body

 

 

 

armour like a bunch of nancies). *

 

 

 

 

 

*12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host

 

 

 

an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of

 

 

 

America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your

 

 

 

borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will

 

 

 

let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out

 

 

 

of their deliveries.*

 

 

 

 

 

*13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.*

 

 

 

 

 

*14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

 

 

 

Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies

 

 

 

due (backdated to 1776).*

 

 

 

 

 

*15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with

 

 

 

saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;

 

 

 

plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*GOD SAVE THE QUEEN !*

 

 

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