Me lifes on a downwind spiral

[Russ]

As we finish up the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery!

 

 

I no longer open a bathroom door

 

without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

 

 

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I

 

don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

 

 

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread

 

because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

 

 

I have trouble shaking hands

 

with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose..

 

 

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I

 

can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

 

 

I can't touch any woman's purse

 

for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

 

 

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS

 

to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

 

 

ALSO,

 

now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason..

 

 

I no longer have any savings

 

because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

 

 

I no longer have any money,

 

but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that

 

Bill Gates/Microsoft

 

and

 

AOL

 

are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

 

 

I no longer worry about my soul

 

because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and

 

St. Theresa's Novena

 

has granted my every wish.

 

 

I can't have a drink in a bar

 

because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

 

 

I can't eat at KFC

 

because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

 

 

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants

 

even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

 

 

THANKS TO YOU

 

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

 

 

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,

 

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

 

 

I no longer buy

 

gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

 

 

 

 

I no longer use Cling Wrap

 

in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

 

 

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW

 

I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

 

 

I no longer go to the movies

 

because I could be *****ed with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

 

 

I no longer go to shopping malls

 

because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

 

 

And

 

I no longer answer the phone because

 

someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..

 

 

I no longer buy cookies from Girl Scouts

 

since I now have their recipe.

 

 

THANKS TO YOU

 

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

 

 

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE

 

I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

 

 

 

 

I can't do any gardening

 

because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the

 

Violin Spider

 

and my hand will fall off.

 

 

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p..m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . .

 

 

Oh, by the way.....

 

 

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

 

 

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

 

 

P. S.:

 

I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

 

 

 

 

 

NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY, AND HAVE A GREAT New Year

 

in 2011

 

!

 

 

[icebob]

 

Like it.

 

 

[dazza 38]

Top Stuff Russ.

 

 

[Guest Wigg]

My God Russ and here'e me worring about the grandkids not covering their mouths when they cough. LOL Sue

 

 

[Tomo]

Thank goodness I only have a laptop, and no mouse! Pheww....

 

 

[Russ]

Men Are Just Happier People

 

 

 

 

NICKNAMES

 

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

 

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, D!ckhead and Sh!t for Brains.

 

EATING OUT

 

· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

 

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 

MONEY

 

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

 

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 

BATHROOMS

 

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

 

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

 

ARGUMENTS

 

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

 

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

FUTURE

 

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

 

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

SUCCESS

 

· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

 

· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

MARRIAGE

 

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

 

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

 

DRESSING UP

 

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

 

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

NATURAL

 

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

 

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

OFFSPRING

 

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

 

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it .... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

 

 

[Russ]

Sorry folks............that was the last one ( bundy made me do it )

 

 

[Guest aussie carl]

ROFL Nice Russ

 

 

[dazza 38]

Its all good Russ, I have been drinking Burbon.LOL I got a good laugh out of it.

 

 

[farri]

Thanks Russ! Love em both! .

 

Frank.

 

 

[Russ]

Australian Letter of the Year....

 

Dear Mr. Minister,

 

I ' m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

 

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows

 

that I bought a television set and golf clubs from them back in 1997,

 

and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born

 

and on what date?

 

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

 

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all

 

the income tax forms I ' ve filed for the past 40 years.

 

It is also on my driver ' s licence, on the last eight passports I ' ve ever had, on all those

 

stupid customs declaration forms I ' ve had to fill out before being allowed off planes

 

over the past 30 years.

 

It ' s also on all those insufferable census forms that I ' ve filled out every 5 years since 1966.

 

Also... would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother ' s name is

 

Audrey, my father ' s name is Jack, and I ' d be absolutely ****ing astounded if that ever

 

changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...

 

****! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide??

 

I apologise, Mr. Minister. But I ' m really ****ed off this morning.

 

Between you and me, I ' ve had enough of all this bull****!

 

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my ****ing address!!

 

What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless

 

Neanderthal arseholes working there!

 

And another thing, look at my damn picture... Do I look like Bin Laden?

 

I can ' t even grow a beard for God ' s sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see

 

my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone

 

please tell me, why would you give a **** whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the

 

next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep

 

or a horse, believe you me, I ' d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

 

Well, I have to go now, ' cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another

 

****ing copy of my birth certificate - and to part with another $80 for the privilege of

 

accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

 

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the

 

issuance of a new passport on the same day??

 

Nooooo.. that ' d be too ****ing easy and makes far too much sense.

 

You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our

 

****ing heads cut off, and then having to find some ' high-society ' wanker to confirm

 

that it ' s really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo... the one where we ' re

 

not allowed to smile?! .... you ****ing morons.

 

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

 

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting

 

someone in ' high-society ' to confirm that it ' s me? Well, my family

 

has been in this country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my

 

forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the

 

Eureka Stockade!!)

 

I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something

 

over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high

 

security clearances. I ' m also a personal friend of the president of

 

the RSL... and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card

 

each year.

 

However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to

 

verify who I am; You know... someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN

 

AND RAISED IN ****ING PAKISTAN !!!..... a country where they either

 

assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from

 

the Commonwealth for not having the "right sort of government".

 

You are all ****ing idiots!