A good line or two

[Admin]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you

 

Believe that….2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

 

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a

 

vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

 

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."Really, …" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

 

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the

 

biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg".

 

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume

 

she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

 

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my

 

girlfriend yet.

 

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at

 

the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

 

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

 

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

 

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

 

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a Coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I

 

thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

 

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to

 

Our local pet shop and they were $70!!! blow this, I thought, I can

 

get one cheaper off the web.

 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

 

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I

 

could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

 

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

 

I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked . The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'

 

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

 

 

[gareth lacey]