nomadpete

Catholic Heart Attack

 

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 000 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

 

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

 

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns @ the Catholic Hospital he was taken to..

 

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, & a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

 

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

 

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

 

He replied, "No money in the bank."

 

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

 

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, & she is a nun."

 

The nun became agitated & announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

 

The patient replied, "Perfect.. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

 

 

PRESS RELEASE - DEPT OF DEFENCE: NEW DESTROYERS FOR RAN

 

 

Details have been released regarding the RAN's next generation of fighting ships, including new destroyers. The Navy is proud of the cutting edge capability being designed into the new destroyer type. They have been designed to meet the needs of the 21st century; in addition to state of the art technology, weaponry, and guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment, equality, Health & Safety and Human Rights legislation.

 

 

They will be able to remain at sea for several months and positively bristle with facilities. For instance, the new user-friendly look-out posts come equipped with wheelchair access; live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt (and to cut down on the number of compensation claims); stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day (each ship will have its own onboard industrial tribunal).

 

 

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, gender balanced in accordance with the latest Government directives on race, gender, sexuality, and disability.

 

 

Sailors will work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Seamens' Union Health & Safety rules which apply equally in peace and wartime. All bunks will be double occupancy and the destroyers will be equipped with a maternity ward situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco. Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the Wardroom.

 

 

The Navy is eager to shed its perceived reputation for ‘Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash, so out goes the daily beer ration which is to be replaced by Perrier water. Although sodomy remains, it has been extended to include all ratings under 18 and is no longer compulsory. The lash will still be available but only on request.

 

 

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is elitist; it is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor". All notices on boards will be printed in 37 different languages and braille. Crew members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - same for the women.

 

 

The Navy is working on a new non specific flag as the existing White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The ship is due to be launched soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Mohammad Hook from the Canberra National Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. The ship will slide gently into the water to the tune of "In the Navy" by the Village People played by the Navy band.

 

 

Sea Trials are expected to take place when the first of the new destroyers, HMAS Cautious, sets out on her maiden voyage. She will be escorting boat loads of illegal immigrants to ports around Australia.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With the beer bottle!'

 

 

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

 

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

 

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

 

 

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

 

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he

 

noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby

 

cemetery.

 

 

 

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet

 

behind the first.

 

 

 

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

 

 

 

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single

 

file.

 

 

 

The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

 

 

 

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so

 

sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but

 

I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

 

 

 

"My wife's."

 

 

 

''What happened to her?"

 

 

 

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

 

 

 

He inquired further, "But there's a second hearse."

 

 

 

The man answered, "It's my mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife.

 

when the dog turned on her too."

 

 

 

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence,

 

passed between the two men.

 

 

 

"Can I borrow the dog?"

 

 

 

The man replied, "Get in line."

 

 

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

 

 

 

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

 

 

 

1st woman: I froze to death.

 

 

 

2nd woman: How horrible!

 

 

 

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

 

 

 

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

 

 

 

1st woman: So, what happened?

 

 

 

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

 

 

 

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

 

 

You need to go to Grimaldi. Cheer up !

 

 

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the

 

Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

 

 

 

 

 

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a

 

Queens Own Highlander soldier selling regimental ties, name was Shep.

 

 

 

 

 

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

 

 

 

 

 

Dougy replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you

 

like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

 

 

 

 

 

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an

 

over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water

 

first!"

 

 

 

 

 

"OK," OK" said Dougy, "It does not matter that you do not want to

 

buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that,

 

and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that

 

hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess.

 

It's leader is a clan chief called Dykes he has all the ice cold water you need.

 

Inshallah and Caberfeidh".

 

 

 

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

 

.

 

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration &

 

rasped......"They won't let me in without a f-------g tie!

 

 

 

Remind me not to attempt using sign language to pick up a girl in a bar....

 

It could go horribly wrong.

 

 

Should've left this for one of our lovely ladies to post. Somehow its just not right for a bloke to draw attention to it....

 

 

-----Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.

 

 

 

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."

 

 

 

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."

 

 

 

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

 

 

 

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year-old.

 

 

 

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."

 

 

 

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" asked the 70-year old.

 

 

 

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30 am."

 

 

 

Puzzled with this, the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 am and poop every morning at 6:30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?" "

 

 

 

"Well", said the 80-year old, "I don't wake up until 7:00."

 

 

 

A self-important college graduate walking along the beach took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen resting on the steps why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

 

”You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one”, the student said loud enough for others to hear.

 

The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. We have nuclear energy, ships and cell phones, computers with light speed and so much more.”

 

After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows:

 

“You’re right son. We didn’t have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you arrogant child what are you doing for the next generation?”

 

 

PS

 

Why isn't this thread swamped with 10,000 replies? Or does that just prove my point about apathy?

 

 

Management, communication, governance and transparency......

 

Were any of these terms written into the rules?

 

Unfortunately too many of us were preoccupied with flying to take part in the running of things.

 

"All it takes for evil to flourish is for good men (or femmes) to do nothing"

 

I confess to allowing my own apathy to contribute to things evolving as they have done.

 

Pete

 

 

Please keep our governance separate from CASA. They seem so focussed on the big end of flying, I don't think they would even want to bother with little fish like us.

 

Pete

 

 

Gotta agree that the office staff do a great job.

 

As for the rest, well.......

 

Pete

 

 

I have been following this thread like all the others. Even though I did not know the people closely, I am deeply distressed by the sad news of our sudden loss of fellow aviators. In our small flying community any loss of this kind feels like it has happened in our own family. My heart goes out to their loved ones.

 

All of us following these forums are here because we know the joy that comes from following our passion for flight. All of us know there are risks and all of us do our very best to minimise them.

 

We also know that living a life wrapped in cotton wool might result in a longer time here, but no matter how hard we try nobody can rule out misadventure causing an unexpected early end to that boring existence.

 

A life led in safe mediocrity is surely a life truly wasted. All those aboard the Dragon were living life to the full, as it was meant to be lived, following their passion.

 

We will all miss them.

 

 

Just a sideline thought about SAR technology in the present tech age - It should be possible to use a directional antenna to pick up a mobile phone from some distance above. (range would be poor through trees or horizontally thru hills) That would require a specialised purpose built antenna. But it might be an avenue that that has not yet been developed? It would not require the phone to be in range of a mobile base. It would just have to be left switched on and it would periodically send a signal to attempt to connect to a base station or to maintain a login if it was already in range of a base station. On the other hand, if it was in range of a base station the telco should be able to assist with identifying the base station if it was advised of the phone number. Ant thoughts, Kyle?

 

 

Now PPQ heading for Bris?

 

 

The waiting and not knowing makes it so much harder. My thoughts go to all friends and family of those on board.

 

 

PPQ Constant circling, yet not a very tight circle - picking up a signal.... or some other reason?

Seems odd to see a search aircraft retracing the same oval path - maybe half a dozen times so far? My guess is about 2k wide by ten kilometers long, at 10,000 feet. As Ian said, it would be informative to know their strategy.

 

 

I saw a car parked outside Woollies with a bumper sticker that said 'I Miss Alice Springs'. So I smashed the windows, stole the radio, let the tyres down & left several empty VB cans on the back seat with a note saying 'hope this helps'.

 

 

The wife left a note on the fridge.........

 

 

 

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Mums!"

 

 

 

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t know what she was on about!!

 

 

This thread belongs in the "Off Topic" forum.....

 

 

Just to add my tuppence worth...

 

Beware of any promises by fibreglass manufacturers. I found a great article in usboating magazine, which told of the problems associated with 'fibreglass'. Normal polyester resin leaves styrene molecules available (within the layup) for ethanol to collect and convey through the engine with disasterous results. Then they tested the best 'ethanol resistant' epoxy resing and found that when they immersed test strips of laminate in E10 (10% ethanol mogas) the test strips lost significant strength over a three month period. That resin is similar to the epoxy based tank wash sealants available. So my assumption is that fibreglass is a highly suspect material for fuel tank construction. My Lightwing tanks developed pinhole leaks through the sides. Although that was after 10 years, it still makes me wonder...

 

PEter T