One ( and two ) liners. . . .

[Phil Perry]

How d'you make a dog sound like a Cat ? ? ? ? . . .Simple. . . . you throw the dog out of an aircraft at some height, and the death scream it makes vaguely resembles something like. . . "MEEEEEAAAAAOOOOOOUUUUU"

 

OK Now,. . . how to make a Cat sound like a Dog ? ? ? ? ,. . . easy peasy, . . .you simply pour avgas all over the animal and then set it alight,. . . it usually makes a sound rather like. . . ."WOOOOOFFFFF"

 

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My Daughter wanted a spider for her birthday,. . . I checked them out at the pet shop and the cheapest tarantula was around $30.00 ! ! ! !! I thought, bugger that, I'll go home and see if I can find one on the web. . . . .

 

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I watched four guys carrying a coffin around the local cemetary the other day,. . . .after three hours they were still carrying it around. . . .I said to the missus. . ."I think those blokes have lost the plot. . . . "

 

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My mate Charlie admitted to being addicted to Brake fluid, . . . . . . . but he says he can stop at any time.

 

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I was standing in a queue at the ATM this morning when a little old lady asked if iI could check her balance. . . . SO I pushed her over.

 

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Last night I has a visit from the Grim Reaper. . . .fortunately I was ale to fight him off with my vacuum cleaner. . . . . .gee whizz,. . . .talk about Dyson with Death. . . . .

 

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Last night I saw a poor old lady slip and knock herself uncontious on the ice,. . . . . at least,. . .I assume she was poor,. . . she only had $1.49 in her purse. . . .

 

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Paddy says to Mick . . ." Sure and I think oi'll buy a labrador. . ." Mick says. . ." Bugger that ! ! sure and have you seen how many of their owners go blind ? ? ? ?"

 

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I bought some rocket salad yesterday,. . . I'm a bit disapponted though. . . . . . it wouldn't go off.

 

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A mate of mine died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. . . . . . . mind you, . . . it was a lovely service. . . . .

 

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[cherk]

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G..R...O....O....O..A..A..N!

[facthunter]

Things pretty quiet in your neck of the woods Phil?

 

How do you clean a toilet and get a cat to look it's fluffy best easily.

 

Answer. pour detergent on it , shove it in the toilet and close the seat,. then press the button and wait for a few minutes, and lift the lid.. Nev

 

 

[M61A1]

Someone once told me to get stuff out of those vending machines with all the stuff stuck out the front in the window, rile up a cat, in a pillow case, then stick in in the bottom door of the machine, it will then go mental trying to climb out, pulling all the chockies and chips down where you can get them.

 

 

[Camel]

My favourite one.

 

Son, you're going to have to make up your mind about growing up and becoming a pilot. You can't do both.

 

 

[bexrbetter]

How d'you make a dog sound like a Cat ? ? ? ? .

Throw it in a freezer, wait till it's frozen solid then put it through a bandsaw .... "MEEEEEAAAAAOOOOOOUUUUU"

 

 

[facthunter]

I like...... Eulogy at a funeral. "Here lies a politician, a lawyer and an honest man"...... WHAT in the one grave?

 

 

[Gibbo]

Someone once told me to get stuff out of those vending machines with all the stuff stuck out the front in the window, rile up a cat, in a pillow case, then stick in in the bottom door of the machine, it will then go mental trying to climb out, pulling all the chockies and chips down where you can get them.

Used to hack coke vending machines in a similar manner in my youth. Buy one get four free. Funny how coke changed their software after about 12 months.