Chucky

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop. "The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?" "I recognised the laugh!" he replied.

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband calls Emergency on his mobile phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you!" "Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly? "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through!

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.... I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked? 'Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blonde replied...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

It really saddens me to see all the negative remarks about the airshow. It is an extremely tough job to get such an event like this happening with all the red tape etc. Most of the people working there were volunteers and copped more than their fair share of rude people having a go at them about trivial things that they had no control over. I was one of the marshalls standing out in the 4 degree 20 knot winds doing my best to welcome fly ins with a crappy hand held radio but I didn't complain....Why? because I did it for my love of aviation and my fellow pilots. See you in 2011. :thumb_up:

The rain was just enough to wet the grass.......but I see Runway 07/25 was today. Should re-open in the next day or two.:thumb_up:

Airshow site Airshow site is lookin good and ready to rock and roll.......or is that yaw and roll...

:thumb_up:Got buzzed by a UFO while landing in Bundy this morning on Runway 25. Even ET is coming to the Airshow![ATTACH]8268.vB[/ATTACH]

Let me assure you perfect weather has been ordered but my advice to everyone....bring warm clothes....it's going to be a little bit chilly.

:clap:I'll pay that one

Feng-Ping, a Chinese immigrant, opened a laundromat in New York City. He worked hard to learn English so he could communicate with his customers, and eventually developed a thriving business. One day, a Greek restaurant opened across the street from him, and he decided to try it out. Feng-Ping told the waiter "I would rike an order of flied lice." The waiter snickered and walked away, returning shortly with an order of fried rice. It was very good, but Feng-Ping wasn't thrilled with the waiter's behaviour. A few days later, Feng-Ping went back to the restaurant, and the same waiter took his order "I would rike an order of flied lice." The waiter laughed openly and hollered to the other patrons that this crazy customer wanted 'flied lice'. Again, Feng-Ping wasn't thrilled, but the food was very good, so he put up with the waiter's rudeness. Months went by, and Feng-Ping became a regular customer, over and over again ordering 'flied lice'. It got to the point where even the customers knew what was coming, and they roared with laughter after they heard 'flied lice'. Finally, Feng-Ping had enough. He stayed up all night and practiced his order in "proper" English. "I would LLLLike an order of FRRRied RRRRice." He was so excited, and couldn't wait to get to the restaurant the next day. The morning seemed to drag on forever, but finally, lunch time arrived. Feng-Ping proudly crossed the street and walked in to the restaurant. When everyone saw him come in, they became quiet, in eager anticipation of hearing Feng-Ping place his regular order. The waiter seated him and asked for his order. "I would like an order of Fried Rice... you Gleek Plick!"

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people whether they are employed or not. 2. At least one in a pair of identical twins is born evil. 3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one. 4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading intergalactic alien society. 5. It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will all wait patiently and politely to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. 6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just a bit bluish. 7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22. 8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. 9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. 10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. 11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman... but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. 12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. 13. it's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. 14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off, even while scuba diving. 15. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. 16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German.) 17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. 18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. 19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. 20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. 21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen, but will always say: Enter Password Now. 22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. (And don't forget - tyres will squeal on any surface, at any speed). 3. All bombs are conveniently fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts, so you know exactly when they're going to go off. 24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty on orders from the Mayor. 25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps. 26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. 27. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English. 28. When paying a bill you never have to wait for change. 29. No matter how busy the traffic, you will always find a parking spot outside the place you're headed. 30. If you and your friends are in a cabin in the woods in the dead of night and there's a maniac loose outside... always venture out one at a time to investigate any noise.

1. DON'T SWIM IN THE OCEAN Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water. If it's salty don't go in. 2. LISTEN OUT FOR THE MUSIC In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect. 3. SWIM WITH FAT PEOPLE Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds. 4. DON'T GO INTO THE WATER WITHOUT A KNIFE This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (aka the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely... swim for your freakin' life. 5. DON'T PANIC In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling and can really spoil a wonderful day out. Remember it's not always about you!

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it. It's just spam.

- Don't waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead. - Homeowners: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again. - Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. Mr. KVL 741, - Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. - Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat. - Housewives, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket. - Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know. - Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. - Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to charity, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for only a few dollars. - Old people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the benefit. - Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes. - Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee. - Make your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. - Shoppers, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

There was a ragged, old, retired Battleship Gunner's Mate Senior Chief who shuffled into a waterfront bar. Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old Squid, but it had been quite awhile since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try. The old Senior Chief staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music, unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old Senior Chief a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. "It's called, 'Drop Your Skivies, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight'," said the old Senior Chief after he took a long pull from the beer. The bartender and the crowd winced, but the piano player went on with a knee- slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the Senior Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the toilet. When the guy came out of the toilet, the bartender went over to him and said, "Look Senior Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?" "Know it?" the old Senior Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it!!!"

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare...?" The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along. After 30 minutes, the Jewish captain mutters, "I don't like Chinese." The first officer replies, "You no rike Chinese? Why dat?" "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "No, no, Japanese bomb Peahl Hahbah, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, it doesn't matter. They're all alike." Another 30 minutes of silence. Finally the first officer says, "No rike Jews." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah. All arike."

Welcome aboard Johno. Now strap yourself in you're about to go on the ride of your life.

They're even taking this guy....

FIRST BABY: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. SECOND BABY: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. THIRD BABY: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. PREPARING FOR THE BIRTH FIRST BABY: You practice your breathing religiously. SECOND BABY: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. THIRD BABY: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month THE BABY CLOTHES FIRST BABY: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, colour co-ordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. SECOND BABY: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. THIRD BABY: Boys can wear pink, can't they? WORRIES FIRST BABY: At the first sign of distress -a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby. SECOND BABY: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. THIRD BABY: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing DUMMIES FIRST BABY: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and sterilise it. SECOND BABY: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle. THIRD BABY: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in. NAPPY CHANGING FIRST BABY: You change your baby's nappies every hour, whether they need it or not. SECOND BABY: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed. THIRD BABY: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees. ACTIVITIES FIRST BABY: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. SECOND BABY: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. THIRD BABY: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. GOING OUT FIRST BABY: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times. SECOND BABY: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. THIRD BABY: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. AT HOME FIRST BABY: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. SECOND BABY: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. THIRD BABY: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. SWALLOWING COINS FIRST CHILD: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays. SECOND CHILD: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass. THIRD CHILD: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

Bob moved in with his girlfriend and her enormous collection of old magazines. They took up an entire room. "It's me or the magazines," Bob insisted. When she refused to part with any of them, Bob left. As he told his friends, she just had too many issues.

A blonde couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

That is just soooo wrong.:hittinghead:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: The princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, The most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, And Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, Smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life... He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life. And the reservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered. Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants?" she said, "Is to be in charge of her own life." Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth. And that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom. And Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and, Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible and deformed self only half the time. And the beautiful maiden the other half. "Which would you prefer?" she asked him, "Beautiful during the day... or at night?" Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch! OR, Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day? But by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments with? Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, he said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time. Because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now... what is the moral to this story? The moral is... 1. There is a witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is! 2. If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Sydney and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the barman, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Joe, he's Jim, we'll have two Fosters please". The barman, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, boys?" "Off to America next month actually," says Joe. "We go to the States every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees. "Ah, America, "says the barman." Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..." "Nah, we don't like that US crap," says Joe. "Meat Pies and beer," that's us, hey Jim? Jim agrees - "We can't stand the Yanks - they're arrogant, rude and egotistical." "So why keep going to America?" asks the barman. Joe replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."