Philosophy of ambiguity

[flying dog]

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

 

 

 

Please enjoy and understand the

 

following:

 

 

 

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO

 

TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

 

 

 

2. ATHEISM IS A

 

NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

 

 

 

3. IF MAN EVOLVED

 

FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

 

 

 

4. THE MAIN REASON

 

THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

 

 

 

5. I WENT TO A

 

BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP

 

SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

 

 

 

6. WHAT IF THERE

 

WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

 

 

 

7. IF A DEAF CHILD

 

SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

 

 

 

8. IF SOMEONE WITH

 

MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE

 

SITUATION?

 

 

 

9. IS THERE ANOTHER

 

WORD FOR SYNONYM?

 

 

 

10. WHERE DO

 

FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

 

 

 

11. WHAT DO YOU DO

 

WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

 

 

 

12. IF A PARSLEY

 

FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

 

 

 

13. WOULD A FLY

 

WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

 

 

 

14. WHY DO THEY

 

LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND

 

CLEAN THEM?

 

 

 

15. IF A TURTLE

 

DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

 

 

 

16. CAN

 

VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

 

 

 

17. IF THE POLICE

 

ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

 

 

 

18. WHY DO THEY

 

PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

 

 

 

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER

 

TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

 

 

 

20. WHAT WAS THE

 

BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

 

 

 

21. ONE NICE THING

 

ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

 

 

 

22. DOES THE

 

LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

 

 

 

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY

 

INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

 

 

 

24. HOW IS IT

 

POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

 

 

 

25. IF ONE

 

SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

 

 

 

26. IF YOU ATE

 

BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

 

 

 

27. IF YOU TRY TO

 

FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

 

 

 

28. WHOSE CRUEL

 

IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

 

 

 

29. WHY ARE

 

HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

 

 

 

30. WHY IS IT

 

CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

 

 

 

31. WHY IS THERE AN

 

EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

 

 

 

32. IF YOU SPIN AN

 

ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

 

 

 

33. CAN AN ATHEIST

 

GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

 

 

[Spin]

Love it, exactly what I needed mid-way through a Monday morning that has been punctuated by calls, all with the common theme that their various issues just have to be finalised "before Christmas!"

 

 

[farri]

I Love It,I Love It. :thumb_up:

 

Frank.

 

 

[HEON]

I only wish tradesmen I use would have the same work ethic of "before Christmas"...at least I would have some idea when they may come!

 

 

[sfGnome]

Yep. Why is it that every project I've ever worked on is supposed to be finished in July, and ends up a gigantic rush at Christmas. All this work is interfering with my flying...

 

 

[Spin]

Geez, I've a fair way to run to 60 yet, but sliced bread only became widely available where I grew up, once I got to my 20's. Actually looking at my wife and son's efforts on the odd French loaf etc, I reckon that cutting a decent slice of bread has become one of those lost arts, a bit like properly carving a joint (of meat!).

 

 

[Guest davidh10]

Thanks FD. I just love playing with language. There were some beauts in there.

 

 

[farri]

Alright, what was the best thing before sliced bread? Anyone over 60 remember?

Please Sir,Please Sir........I`m over 60,can I have a go.......Was it SEX? :see saw:

 

Frank,

 

 

[Yenn]

Whatever was the best thing before sliced bread is probably still the best thing. I find sliced bread terrible stuff, in fact most shop bought bread is a sad replacement for the real thing. Home baked for me.

 

As far as the language goes, usually putting "in" before something makes it the opposite meaning. Except for flammable.

 

 

[stanzahero]

As far as the language goes...

Can you think of an English word where 'ph' does not make an 'f' sound?

 

Stanzahero.

 

 

[slartibartfast]

Shepherd?

 

Or is that using a haphazard loophole?

 

 

[stanzahero]

yep... I can't uphold to that one...

 

 

[planedriver]

Phuket----Where many men go to be lead astray.

 

PH, as per checking to see if the neighbours kids have been peeing in your pool.

 

I was strugling uphill, haphazardly for an answer to this one.

 

 

[dazza 38]

Top Stuff FD.