planedriver Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Real letter sent to the UK Government… NIGEL JOHNSON-HILL, PARKFARM, MILLAND, LIPHOOK GU30 7JT Rt Hon David Miliband MP Secretary of State. Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA), Nobel House 17 Smith Square London SW1P 3JR 16 July 2009 Dear Secretary of State, My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs.. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business. In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy. I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these? As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this? My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any. If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases? Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear? I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)? In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election. Yours faithfully, Nigel Johnson-Hill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomo Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yenn Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 A very old joke, but one that I think is well based in fact. After I left Britain in 1961 my employer was paid to get out of dairy cows. I have since been back and the most obvious change is the lack of livestock on the farms and the great growth of vermin, such as foxes and rabbits, even badgers which in my days were an extremely rare sight are now common, but very few cows are to be seen. A sad old country that has been going downhill ever since I left it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Admin Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 A sad old country that has been going downhill ever since I left it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
planedriver Posted October 28, 2009 Author Share Posted October 28, 2009 A very old joke, but one that I think is well based in fact. After I left Britain in 1961 my employer was paid to get out of dairy cows. I have since been back and the most obvious change is the lack of livestock on the farms and the great growth of vermin, such as foxes and rabbits, even badgers which in my days were an extremely rare sight are now common, but very few cows are to be seen. A sad old country that has been going downhill ever since I left it. Mate, they must really miss you! However,. but very few cows are to be seen.. The mother-in-law is still lurking around somewhere:laugh: so beware! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yenn Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Yes she is in Wales, but a grand old lady. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkSarcasm Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Yes she is in Wales, but a grand old lady. Where in Wales? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomo Posted October 29, 2009 Share Posted October 29, 2009 Yes she is in Wales, but a grand old lady. Having a whale of a time to I guess?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
planedriver Posted October 29, 2009 Author Share Posted October 29, 2009 Having a whale of a time to I guess?! Probably spouting on as she always did:musicboohoo: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yenn Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Abergavenny. I get the poms riled by telling them Wales is the best part of England. At least it is far enough from the SE corner to be liveable in Summer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GraemeK Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Abergavenny eh? Hoping the weather is fine ..... Took a trip up there a coupla years ago on the way to Aberystwyth, nice place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkSarcasm Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 I spent 6 months studying in Swansea last year...it was nice but I wouldn't want to live there permanently to be honest :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
planedriver Posted November 5, 2009 Author Share Posted November 5, 2009 Yes she is in Wales, but a grand old lady. Don't get me wrong mate, i'm sure she is----------and how lucky are you? I was referring to my mother-in-law in Cardiff, who wears a funny black hat, flys everywhere on a broom, and is always ----:stirring pot::kboom: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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