The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

.......have started to take "sketchy" classes.

Dam of course spiralled out a few weeks ago and is now working as a lion tamer at Werribee Zoo.

I myself have ................................

[Captain]

.... seen him there holding a wooden chair and a whip from my Moorabbin adult entertainment shop, with which he ....

[turboplanner]

............tickles the lions, the show has been running for six weeks now, since he left office.

CT had been quietly attending these shows, keen to try a pride of two of lions in the rolling hills of Darraweit Guim. He wasn't sure he could round them up at night with a belly full of bunnies, or whether they would just sit out the front of the pub eating the drunks.

Over the weeks he realised they were communicating, and with a degree in languages it wasn't long before he could read the signals.

As Dan flicked his whip, the young lions pretended to like it winking, rolling over with legs in the air, but Cecil, the mangy one was actually signalling to Bull, the old boy that if Dan kept this up he'd eat the XXXX.

The time came when Dan cracked the whip at a snarling Cedric and held a chair up to ward him off. Cedric ........

[Captain]

9 hours ago, turboplanner said:

As Dan flicked his whip, the young lions pretended to like it winking, rolling over with legs in the air, but Cecil, the mangy one was actually signalling to Bull, the old boy that if Dan kept this up he'd eat the XXXX.

The time came when Dan cracked the whip at a snarling Cedric and held a chair up to ward him off. Cedric .......

..... looked over at Cecil, who raised an eyebrow to Clarry then looked at Caleb and Christopher to see if their body language was accepting of a 5-fold attack. However, they were more inclined to push him down the stairs near the moat and they did not provide the desired indication that would allow a coordinated group kill, mostly because they all thought that Dan would taste like ......

Edited December 13, 2023 by Captain

[turboplanner]

..........a 4 day old Nappie that hadn't been washed.

Many in the joint State of Victoria/New Victoria were in agreement with this and the 5 Cs knew they wouldn't be put down if they got rid of him, so they cleverly herded him into ...................

[Captain]

.... a fetal position while Cecil asked Chris to scratch the mange that was rampant up near his shoulder blades and which, lately, has been giving him the .....

[turboplanner]

.....irrits, and he was prone to breaking into loud roars of frustration, which was outside the park rules.

Their Trainer, OT misjudged the poor lions anguish at the itch as bad temper.

We sould explain that the normally astute OT had fallen on hard times as WA went broke as a result of the Great Mark leaving the job of Premier. In these circumstances, you have to get a job and you have to take anything, and when OT saw the Ad for "a Trainer for a Group", he applied and went to the interview in his best punk rock outfit and make up. He was immediately accepted (the last five had been eaten.)

 

Minus a lump out of his rump, OT had been a fast learner himself, and zipped down to Bunnings, bought a rake and was quickly becoming Cecil's best friend.

 

This led to OT ..........................

 

 

[Captain]

7 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

 

This led to OT ......

...... franchising the business as BLMSI, Bob's Lion Mange Scratchers Inc and this was picked up as an additional concession by many of the lawn mowers, most of whom were looking for a bit of extra excitement and cash, so as to .......

Edited December 13, 2023 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....buy a Hyundai Getz as their first new car.

OT knew the franchisees would not get a lot of phone calls for lion scratching, which could also become a workplace safety issue if the scratcher didn't fix the itch. (Not many people know that Dr Livingston while continuing his amazing discovery of communit enclaves in Africa was eten by an itchy lion. The lion didn't mean him any harm, it was just frustrated that day in that place.)

OT cleverly improved the franchise, by selling three seater Drifters [avref]to the franchisees who could then advertise "Scratch an Air Lion today!" [RPT avref].

The franchise was expanding well when ............................................

[Captain]

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

The franchise was expanding well when .........

.... an indiscreet panthera leo (Caleb was just feeling a bit cranky that day) took a piece out of .....

Edited December 13, 2023 by Captain

[turboplanner]

....the rear end of the daughter of ..........................

[Captain]

11 hours ago, turboplanner said:

....the rear end of the daughter of ..........................

..... Barry and Michael Obama, which meant that Caleb hit the big time by making the front cover of Liontamer News and featuring in both the Zookeeper's Weekly magazine and the Veterinarian Monthly newsletter ....... plus the BREM (Black Rear Ends Matter) organization wanted Caleb ...... 

 

The photo of Caleb used on the front covers and which made him famous.

It was touched up a little to remove the blood from his chin.

Note the Werribee Sewerage Treatment Plant tastefully blurred in the background, although you can still smell it if you move close to your screen.

 

Below is Caleb during his visit to Hobart Zoo

Edited December 14, 2023 by Captain

[turboplanner]

"retrained"  to only eat a Vegan diet.

The Vegan community are now up in arms; there are always some people somewhere who are never happy.

 

Caleb was bought by the Mining Council of Western Australia and is living very comfortably being released from location to location to remove any objections to new Mining Leases.

 

There's even talk about him being bought by Victoria for the Logging Industry and .......

 

 

 

[Don't be a whiner, be a roarer]

[Captain]

6 hours ago, turboplanner said:

There's even talk about him being bought by Victoria for the Logging Industry and ......

...... being adopted as the Vicmanistan Mascot, where then being 110% Mextorian, he will vote Labor, oppose Australia Day, dine on Bill Gates's bugs, sign up to Belt and Road, and ...........

[onetrack]

.....restart the Voice referendum. However, all this news-making talk, reached the ears of the management of the Lions Club of Victoria, who immediately called a top-level meeting.

The Chairman opened the meeting with the Lions Prayer (and accented the "weak" part) and went on with his speech.

 

"Lionesses and Lions, we have gained knowledge of a problem affecting our esteemed Brotherhood, whereby it appears at least one of our dearly esteemed members is being treated like an animal, and is being bought and sold like a captive circus entertainment creature.

He's being used and abused for political purposes, and he has even made it to the pages of the infamous NES. This outrageous situation cannot continue, and as our Club policies and aims are to protect our brotherhood and the weak, we must now take action to........

[Captain]

13 minutes ago, onetrack said:

This outrageous situation cannot continue, and as our Club policies and aims are to protect our brotherhood and the weak, we must now take action to.......

..... convince him not to join Apex, or the Masons, and to reintroduce .......

Edited December 15, 2023 by Captain

[bull]

On 14/12/2023 at 6:08 AM, turboplanner said:

Minus a lump out of his rump, OT had been a fast learner himself, and zipped down to Bunnings, bought a rake and was quickly becoming Cecil's best friend.

 

Sorry all NES readers but the vision of CT dressed in punk as he cruised the aisles,s of Bunnings..................The traumer that this must have caused amongst the elderly and young children,,,,,🤣🤣🤣🤣

[bull]

3 hours ago, Captain said:

..... convince him not to join Apex, or the Masons, and to reintroduce .......

.the mandatory weekly feeding recommence as the animals where scheduled for inspection and this terrified OT [and the circus owners as they would not pay for the meat!].......and the thought came to OT ,,,,he would ...................

[Captain]

.... become the Bill Gates of Western Australia, so he bought some syringes, a worm farm, had his magnificent head of Elvis-like hair cut like a nerd and .....

[turboplanner]

..........started One Track Worm Farms Ltd.

A story, which couldn't be trusted because it was written by a journalist, headed Do Lions eat worms? 

posed the question of whether OT, now as famous as Alan Bond had touched gold again, or was just going to be another washed up Jeffrey Epstein groupie.

There were 2356 comments from the knowledgeable public, with quite a few asking "Who is Alan Bond?; is he the one that locked us down during covid? This sparked 7,234 replies  from which is was impossible to conclude who Alan Bond was.

 

A big man, wearing a big T shirt showing a 230 year old water wheel and the slogan "Lions can't rotate like Rotary!" featured in the next day's paper saying that Lions were wimps and never got anything finished and were responsible for the Commonwealt Games being cancelled and Dan was a Lion.

 

That's all the general public needed. They marched on Spring Street 2,000 strong, using the new "funeral" march stepping tempo which stretched a 15 minute demonstration into 3 hours.

The signs sent 2000 different messages, but the one the News media focused on was DAN IS A LION.

 

That's all the public needed to .......................

 

 

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

That's all the public needed to ........

..... conclude that the bloke who wrote the sign couldn't spell.

 

It should end in "AR" you clot, not "ON".

 

This caused all sorts of issues in the Sign Printing Industry, the largest and most prestigious player in which is Turbine Corflute and Spell Checking P/L, whose spokesperson was cautious but volunteered that .....

Edited December 15, 2023 by Captain

[bull]

3 minutes ago, Captain said:

..... conclude that the bloke who wrote the sign couldn't spell.

 

It should end in "IAR" you clot, not "ON".

 

This caused all sorts of issues in the Sign Printing Industry, the largest and most prestigious player in which is Turbine Corflute and Spell Checking P/L, whose spokesperson was cautious but volunteered that .....

.well it depends on the interpretation ,,you could be causing pain and distress by your actions of incorrect spelling and the taunting of the dyslexic is  frowned upon by the masters that be and.......... 

[Captain]

42 minutes ago, bull said:

.well it depends on the interpretation ,,you could be causing pain and distress by your actions of incorrect spelling and the taunting of the dyslexic is  frowned upon by the masters that be and.......... 

.... at least you used capital letters where required,  and ....

[turboplanner]

.....what followed was forty minutes of waffle, all paid for by TCSC.

In fact Turbo had seen a similar thing this morning when to explain to truck drivers that they were dumb if they didn't know how to use a DPD button for a diesel particulate filter burn, the "stick it in 5 litres of diesel and light the bastard" method wasn't used. Instead a "Truckie", and effeminate actor who had let his beard grown for 3 days (or in his case more likely 6), jeans suit, elastic sided boots, explained with such a hopeless knowledge of diesel engines that it was hard to believe the manufacturer had been able to make the engine.

Turbo had immediately sent a memo to TCSC saying .............

[Captain]

1 minute ago, turboplanner said:

Turbo had immediately sent a memo to TCSC saying ..........

..... in his typical smug and caustic tone, that .....