The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

......."Maaaate!" and even before the Pope could answer, a thin leather cord shot out from behind a curtain and bull was being choked (rather like the AUF office procedures); the Pope gave him a longf look and said "Son, I'm from Chicago; I used to be Benny Domasi's accountant, so beforetyou go on with that "Maaaaae" crap that your leader Elboneesy tried, you need to think about the consequences. Do you speak Latin?"

 

"It just happens that I do" in the exclusinve Juilius Caesar dialect, and the Pope burst intoa smile, the garrot flicked back behind the curtain."

 

"Bless you my son" said the pipe and  bull then started to go through his sins, some which even made the Pope blush and begin to wonder whether he should have started this, but after bull finished with the last "ey", he realised that this lowly (of course highly in AUF company) wanderer would be the next Holy See to Australia ("which means" said a Bishop "that you tell us everything that little fart from Sydney is up to in the Parliament.  We'll organise a weekly Confession and the tapes and make sure he gets an extra glass of wine at Communion"

 

bull went forth happy in his new purple robe, saying "Bless you my son" even though it was obvious that many of the people he touched with his crusifix weren't male and couldn't fly, but beggars couldn't be ...................................

 

 

 

[onetrack]

....choosers, and bull knew he wasn't a millionaire - just yet. But those purple robes held the best chance of bull becoming a millionaire, or even a billionaire. Besides, he was starting to like the idea of wearing purple robes and going around touching people (he already did that a lot back home, anyway - like, "can I touch you up for $50?, I'll pay it back next payday"... but now he could do it globally).

 

Before long bull had a statue of the Virgin Mary that he carried around with him, and anyone he touched could pin $50 to it for a bull dispensation, that he promised, gave them the ability to.........

[Captain]

.... attend AUF Fly-Ins if they will ever be held again, to be a bonafide Sky-Pilot, and to .......

Edited May 20 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......have one of the rare "CASA Keys".

Not many people know about these keys (numbers actually); there are less than 100.Turbo has one, Cappy had one but forgot the number, and bull has been borrowing Turbo's but after this news that will have to stop.

The CASA key lets you access the locked area of the CASA website, where they discuss people like......well you know, the habitual complainers and haters trying to get approval for illegal designs or home made crap you wouldn't even start the engine for in case is shook itself onto the ground or the people who'd had seven heart attacks but still wanted a Medical.

OT didn't have one because they only issued them for Australia, not the dependencies and this was where bull's adopted home would cause a problem which...............

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

OT didn't have one because they only issued them for Australia, not the dependencies and this was where bull's adopted home would cause a problem which........

... became evident when bull realized that the CASA Keys were created and awarded by the same bloke that pulled bitcoin out of his clacker, so it is essential that big time internet, plenty of gigga-gigga bites are available to mine for them, and as Tasmania still only has steam powered dialup. bull was always going to struggle to .......

 

Important note - WA is a "dependency" while Tasmania is a "Depends-ency" where, due to age and the adverse effects on the bladder of the tea-tree-stained water, the population are more incontinent than incompetent. 

Edited May 20 by Captain

[bull]

On 21/05/2025 at 7:03 AM, Captain said:

bull was always going to struggle to .......

come to grips with the chastity part though and soon the urge to..................

Edited May 22 by bull

[turboplanner]

...see chastity just once more became too much fo our swashbuckling hero.

bull realised that lately on that trawlers with it's smelly prawn guts, life had become more buckling than swash, so he selected the jacka, cleaned the rats nests out of the electrics, and set out across Bass Strait bound for bone and that stunning blonde chasitity.

As he ran abeam of Flinders Island his thoughts went back to the bible and God's advice to stay way from sin with hope, faith and chastity, and he was moved that someone so long ago knew what a little number they had in Bone. As the old bluehead churned along; it was 65 years old this coming Sunday, bull ................

[Captain]

10 hours ago, turboplanner said:

As he ran abeam of Flinders Island his thoughts went back to the bible and God's advice to stay way from sin with hope, faith and chastity, and he was moved that someone so long ago knew what a little number they had in Bone. As the old bluehead churned along; it was 65 years old this coming Sunday, bull ........

..... thought of chastity in the fondest possible terms, and he got one, which hadn't happened for a while, so he ......

[turboplanner]

......quickly snapped back to attention, pushed the screen washer button and cleared the blood and feathers and resolved to pay a lot more The blood is gon in seconds attention.

For those NES readers who misunderstood Cappy's term "got one" it refers to Tasmanian Mutton Birds; small birds which fly very fast and nest in burrows like penguins and their density in Tasmania is pretty much the same as mosquitoes on the Murray. The fly into your car, bomb you when you have your best clothes on and out in the bush you're tripping over their burrows every time you go out. Up on the north coast so many shops sell cooked mutton birds that Kentucky Fried Chicken nver managed to get a foothold. Tasmanians talk about them so much that when they say they "got one" everyone knows they either ran over a mutton bird, poured diesel down a mutton bird burrow, shot one, or just caught one and wrung its neck. AUF members, particularly the ones wh love talking about any aspect of an aircraft will be interested to know that everyone flying has installed a screen washer consisting of 6 plastic milk bottles, a 12v hugh speed pump earthed back to the battery, and a screen wiper motor from a 1949 Ford Prefect (there are still plenty on Tasmanian roads) with a Mazda 626 blade.

The blood is gone in seconds and ......

[onetrack]

......the important part, of course, is the selection of the correct windscreen washer additive. This additive, known as "Bloodgone" is a secret formula produced in W.A. by OT's company, "Trauma Cleanups Pty Ltd.", a company which specialises in cleaning up sites where blood has been spilt, and splattered body parts abound.

 

OT gained insight into the need for this business after seeing the amount of work available for this line of work after multiple crime gang shootups, especially in Sydney and Melbourne. OT's TCPL also gets rid of the burnt cars after they've been torched by gang killers.

 

OT spent some considerable time working with a renowned industrial chemist, and together they came up with their prize-winning formula. So much so, that gang killers have sent through large orders for the cleaner, to ensure clean crime scenes before the TRG arrive.

 

However, all this is getting away from bulls exploits in chasing lurve in Taswegia - although one has to cheerfully admit, bull's travel plans would've been drastically shortened, if he hadn't had the foresight to fill the 6 plastic milk bottles with OT's magic windscreen cleaner.

Accordingly, with a clean windscreen and high hopes, bull sighted the delightful shape of the Tasmanian land mass appearing, and this aroused him even further, dreaming of sighting the real thing on Chastity, which brought him to............

[Captain]

7 hours ago, onetrack said:

Accordingly, with a clean windscreen and high hopes, bull sighted the delightful shape of the Tasmanian land mass appearing, and this aroused him even further, dreaming of sighting the real thing on Chastity, which brought him to...........

..... full attention again and he didn't know whether to leave his hands on the Jackoff's stick, or put his piloting hand on the other stick and ......

[turboplanner]

........in that millisecond he got anothert one, this time up ..........

[Captain]

8 hours ago, turboplanner said:

........in that millisecond he got another one, this time up ..........

..... and there, dear readers (and particularly for our hundreds of stewed ants on Wreck Flying) is the pilot's (avref) worst nightmare, when he (or she) needs to make that critical decision about whether to .......

[turboplanner]

........run down another Mutton Brid or continue to cross Bass Strait.

The rough seas have washed up many recreationat aircraft and the carcases of their pilots onto the beaches of those lonely islands that once were filled with wrecked sailing ships. 

Many of the aircraft showed traces of feathers on broken screens.

The debate raged on for months, some blaming the crashes on not using ESB engine mounts; others adamant that if you used the same windscreen glass as their Cessna 310 there should be no further problems and yet others saying it was all in the allocation of tasks to the Co Pilot at the right time - very excitig posts, but the mutton birds were still circling when the next .....

[Captain]

..... aircraft came into sight. 

 

The pilot was an experienced CFI named E (for Elvis) Paul Ette and he was able to explain the dire consequences that had resulted in so many washed up aircraft and washed up pilots, most of whom were washed up before they entered the water.

 

"Those clowns put too much reliance on the 2nd word, and thought that they were dealing with just a moderately sized 

Ardenna Tenuirostris, whereas down here the 1st word tells all you need to know. Hence the Tasmanian Mutton Bird is as shown below, and when confronting the windscreen of an aircraft, they can really do some ......

 

The Tasmanian Mutton Bird

Edited Saturday at 08:34 PM by Captain

[turboplanner]

Serious damage to the aircraft and the pilot's face, particularly the mutton birds with Horns, and not just that.

On rainy days in Tasmanian Flying Clubs there are some amazing stories about what happened when a pilot was hit in the face by mutton bird balls.

 

You never see video of this of course because one minute they're holding their phone filming the approaching mb and the next minute ........

[onetrack]

....they're wearing a facial sheep balls accoutrement, and having trouble trying to see the piano keys. Naturally, the phone is always lost during the collision, leading to some amazing video footage when it's finally found, with shots of...........

[turboplanner]

....the aileron hinges, or a door latch, or the lower half of the ASI.These things don't get much traction in the NES, but, like the Bus Spotters Association photos of the No 2455 leaving Bondi Station, these things trigger raging arguments within the broader rec flying groups around the country, where it's not the ..........

[Captain]

34 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

....the aileron hinges, or a door latch, or the lower half of the ASI.These things don't get much traction in the NES, but, like the Bus Spotters Association photos of the No 2455 leaving Bondi Station, these things trigger raging arguments within the broader rec flying groups around the country, where it's not the ..........

.... big picture being considered.

 

One of the biggest issues with the Mutton Birds has been that all photos and videos prior to the photo downloaded by Cappy just 4 short posts ago, is that all previous images have been blurry, akin to all the photos of alien spacecraft, so AUF members always considered the lamb-based Mutton Birds to be a myth akin to the Loch Ness Monster, or an honest Vicmanistan Labor politician (well done Turbo on organizing & delivering the box of manure).

 

However, a NOTAM has now been issued for all aircraft approaching the Tasmanian coast at below 7,500 ft (The sheep get tired of flapping their wings above 7,250 ft density altitude [whatever that DA crap means ..... DA is a bit like W&B .... superfluous to the enjoyment of flying]).

 

In addition to that NOTAM, the below clear photo has been taken by an AUF visitor to Tasmania who has chosen to remain anonymous, and it shows his view just seconds before being hit (known in the aviation caper as "being balled") and based on that one photo alone, CASA has moved to ........

 

The photo that got CASA involved.

Note the wire mesh that this pilot had installed outside of his windscreen to hopefully cater for just such an occurrence.

Edited Sunday at 06:31 PM by Captain

[turboplanner]

......... make it mandatory to fit Bull Bars to all recreational aircraft and Cessnas (since more  Cessnas crash than any other make).

 

A CASA team will be flying around the Country shortly to explain the rationale behind this new CASA initiative, and who should be leading the Education Team but ......................

[Captain]

.... Elvis PE and his CASA support group, The Tasmanian Mutton F.......

[turboplanner]

.......Farmers Association (Aviation Division) Inc in ACT, and someone we all know well by his ..........

[Captain]

..... non-stage name, as he was more popular in the 60s and 70s than Johnny Farmhand, but as a convert to Wreck Aviation (avref) in the 90s, he has .....

[turboplanner]

......excelled himself in his aviation skills, persuasive teaching methods in Jabirus, and immaculate flying uniform which would make Biggles look like a slob.

 

Only..........

[Captain]

.... his Desert Boots remained an issue (not even mentioning the cow poo in his ripple soles), and to get this resolved it was up to .....