The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

On 03/06/2025 at 11:17 PM, turboplanner said:

.......at this, Epaulette snarled and squinted, they way he did if you stuffed up a ground guide where he expected you to use the wet cow pats to glide at 20 mm above the ground for as long as the Jab was prepared to stretch it; the fear of what EP would do to you if you actually touched dirt was ..................

.... really giving everyone the pats, so they .....

[turboplanner]

.......decided to set EP up one day. EP could be unpredictable when you flew......just like the Jab, so you had to be ready for anything, but EP always did the same sequence when testing students. Well not always; every tenth student go it reversed, but 9 out of 10 you knew when you were for the cow pat test. The females were tested just the same as the males; EP was a stickler for Diversity.

It was time for Pip's test (we can't give you her real name because she went on to a senior position in CASA.)

Student Paul secreted himself behind an agreed Gorse bush with a bucket of blood from the local knackery.

Sure enoughh EP pulled the cow pat trick.

Pip set a trajectory to take here near the gorse bush, and suddenly exclaimed "WHAT WAS THAT BANG!"

"What bang?" asked EP who had been reading a newspaper.

They circled and there spreadeagled was a person covered in so much blood he was almost certainly dead.

They flew back to the strip, jumped in the ute and drove back over the paddock. 

When they got there the body was gone but in its place were police numbered markers denoting the body and a trail of squashed cow pats.

Pip squeezed back a laugh at EP's face ............................

[Captain]

21 hours ago, turboplanner said:

..... Student Paul secreted himself .....

This type of smut must stop immediately. Where are the Moderratti when you need them?

[Captain]

21 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Pip squeezed back a laugh at EP's face .......

..... when he saw that the outline of the body had been undertaken using fresh cow pat when squeezed out of EPs mum's cake piping device, which had ......

 

The cake piping device looked like these, prior to being filled below the bull's tail (but not our bull's).

Note the swirls that can be achieved when used deftly. 

 

Edited June 8 by Captain

[turboplanner]

....a pattern that had won the Launceston Show's Sponge Cake Championship year after year.

This amazing invention was also partly responsible for Turbine Beef's string of 17 Champions of Show and the annual Longreach Royal Show, Rodeo and Rooster Chase.

Turbo's bulls would be trimmed then groomed by the Longreach Hair Salon, and if they dropped a load, Patty, as he was called would move in before the last drip and fashion a beautiful pattern, whereas the other entrants just left the copats as they were.

Over the years Turbo often noticed the longing look of the Judge, thinking of his grandma's sponge all covered in patterned cream.

That was until the 2023 show when............

 

[Captain]

19 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Over the years Turbo often noticed the longing look of the Judge, thinking of his grandma's sponge all covered in patterned cream.

That was until the 2023 show when.......

..... Turbo's grandma turned up in all her toothless, gravity ravaged, deaf, bow legged, yet still cheerful and vibrant self (you can certainly see the direct lineage between Turdy and his "Grammy" [She had been a vivacious entertainer, yet a bit loose with her favours (again, similar to Turdboy} for quite some years and the Grammy Award was therefore named after her]).

 

Turdy's Grammy walked straight over to the judge and laid a tonguey on him, in such a manner that the prize orders were immediately established and he became quite visually excited, if you know what I mean.

 

"I've still got it, little Turdfeatures (her pet name for her favourite grandson)", she said and she then ......

 

[onetrack]

....bent over and lifted her skirt, to the recoiling horror of the gathered crowd. But then they realised that.........

[turboplanner]

....there was an "O" on one side and a "T" on the other.  The crowd....................

[onetrack]

....'s attitude changed instantly, to one of roaring approval. "Oh look!", said a bloke in the crowd, who bore more than a passing resemblance to Cappy. "She's an Occupational Therapist, which means I'll be able to get her to manipulate and carefully stroke my.......

[Captain]

8 hours ago, onetrack said:

....'s attitude changed instantly, to one of roaring approval. "Oh look!", said a bloke in the crowd, who bore more than a passing resemblance to Cappy. "She's an Occupational Therapist, which means I'll be able to get her to manipulate and carefully stroke my.......

..... resume ....., although every suggested edit will be made using a quill held in Grammy's shaking hand & gazed on by eyesight that is RS and therefore highly .....

Edited Tuesday at 06:16 PM by Captain

[turboplanner]

suspect.

Some NESsers might be wondering how we've driftered off the av theme and now we can reveal the reason some AUF members can afford  new over the top airctraft and others can't; it's the Grammy Method where OT does  the cash extraction with his quill, leaving many satisfied but without their millions. Current Affair had been after him for years but (a) the Ch 9 expense account didn't run to WA trips and (b) .........................

[Captain]

22 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Current Affair had been after him for years but (a) the Ch 9 expense account didn't run to WA trips and (b) .............

..... Onesie is the owner and publisher of the WA Women's Monthly, the WA Heavy Equipment Digest, and the wildly popular bi-weekly Doing Creative Stuff With Sand.

 

OT therefore has more power that just one poxy FTA TV network, plus the OT is much loved and supported by the common folk of the Western Province, so that he only .....

[bull]

4 hours ago, Captain said:

..... Onesie is the owner and publisher of the WA Women's Monthly, the WA Heavy Equipment Digest, and the wildly popular bi-weekly Doing Creative Stuff With Sand.

 

OT therefore has more power that just one poxy FTA TV network, plus the OT is much loved and supported by the common folk of the Western Province, so that he only .....

..only had to show his face in.....

[Captain]

9 hours ago, bull said:

..only had to show his face in.....

.... any pub or bordello, and the common folk would yell "Is that Lang Hancock, or Onesie the famous aviator (avref), and WTF is he doing in .....

[turboplanner]

......Kununurra?

The dapper little figure wearing only a pair of shorts would scurry down Riverfig Av to pick up his "five pounds of pork sausages" then into Coles for the groceries, loading them into the old Landcruiser tray with the old trailer on which sat a Sling with foldup wings like a Corsair Carrier aircraft. He'd patented the hinges which came from track shoes on an old Cat D3 he'd picked up in Dingo.

He never told anyone what he was doing or where he was going , but would drive a few K out of town, unload the Sling and search for any yellow CATs or Orange Allis Chalmers. He wouldn't do what all the others did and winch their old 40 tonne find onto a semi which cost $40,000 to get it back to civilisation and another $230,000 in rent by the time he'd sold all the parts. Oh Nooo; The Outback was his storage shed and he only took home the part ordered by his customers. He got a kick out of the free rent courtesy of the land owners and the Commonwealth, and particularly when an old CAT or AC was on Noongar Country. It was ............

[Captain]

4 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Oh Nooo; The Outback was his storage shed and he only took home the part ordered by his customers. He got a kick out of the free rent courtesy of the land owners and the Commonwealth, and particularly when an old CAT or AC was on Noongar Country. It was .......

.... like they were all stored in Fort Knox, because as we have discussed previously in this Story, Onesie is a Kurdaitcha Man and right at the top of the Kurdaitcha pecking order/totem pole. (And not just the poxy WA pole either, but OT has actually knocked off Noel Peirson and Eddie Marbo in the National stakes).

 

Part of OT's elevation to Kurdaitcha folk law is that he is pigeon toed and when he walks around in his Kurdaitcha slippers it looks like the tracks of the famous but deadly Killer Rainbow Duck (KRD), so the Noongar want none of that caper, eh, and it's certainly not worth risking grief from the KRD for knocking off the governor from the engine of a D6, so they ......

 

A very rare photo of OT, signing autographs outside the boxing tent at the Southern Cross Show.

 

 

A postmodern representation of the Killer Rainbow Duck that gave the Rainbow Serpent so much grief during their stoush for control during the REM Time.

Edited Thursday at 11:46 PM by Captain

[onetrack]

.....leave OT's tractors and equipment alone. But the true reason OT was sighted in a Kununurra pub wasn't anything to do with Cats or Allis Chalmers, it was because OT had received a message on the Noongar elder grapevine (and of course, OT is an Elder, and the Noongars respect him far and wide. Once OT tells the Mormons he's an Elder too, they leave him alone) - that a WW2 warbird wreck had been sighted in the long grass of a Kimberley station remote back paddock.

 

OT is always on the hunt for archaeological treasures of the powered kind, and a WW2 warbird wreck was high on his list of "finds", yet to be discovered. His aim was always to beat other members and contributors of the NES to wreck finds - and it wasn't just about the glory and money associated with WW2 wreck finds, it was............

 

Edited Friday at 12:07 AM by onetrack

[Captain]

35 minutes ago, onetrack said:

and it wasn't just about the glory and money associated with WW2 wreck finds, it was......

..... so that he can cut these treasured national monuments, and grave sites, up into 25 X 50 mm pieces and sell the bits to Chinese tourists, and Palestinian immigrants, as .....

Edited Friday at 12:42 AM by Captain

[turboplanner]

....spoils of war.  Cappy realised OT was making good money. Unfortunately the Cook family DNA kicked in. In the mid 1800s OT's ancestor Benjamin Over Traveller, convict, had scraped together the remains of a wrecked ship and managed to build a small dwelling in Melbourne's Fitzroy Gardens. It was the first BNB to be opended in Melbourne. BOT, as he was called had almost made enough money to pay off his debts, when Captain (doubtful) Josiah Collingwood Cook built a Guest House and included Breakfast and dinner for half BOT's price. BOT was already doing it tough when the soldiers came, and told him to get out of town. "There's gold in the West" one of them said helpfully, but BOT missed Ballarat and finished up in Kalgoorlie, so he had extra travel costs.

Captain Cook's guesthouse is still in the gardens today and whenever the City Council tries to bulldoze it or shut it down, mysteriously The Governor herself shows up in her Bentley Sports, and threatens to belt the crap out oof them.

 

So it was no surprise that when OT started making good cash with Hellcat parts and Land Rover lug nuts who shouilld show up but the alleged descendant, out own Captain Cook VII (no bars)........

[Captain]

20 hours ago, turboplanner said:

So it was no surprise that when OT started making good cash with Hellcat parts and Land Rover lug nuts who shouilld show up but the alleged descendant, out own Captain Cook VII (no bars).......

..... with intent to clean OT's clock via a repeat of his antecedent's Fitzroy Gardens "Guesthouse Play" (as it has officially become known, and as taught in all MBA courses in the western hemisphere).

 

In this case, Captain Cook was to open a new business titled "CC's Scrap Yard", when he realised that the whole of WA was one big waste dump and that his efforts would be .....

[onetrack]

......merely token in the W.A. scrap business, as he soon found out that no-one in W.A. was bigger in the scrap business than OT was. Cappy soon found out that even Sims Metal went to OT for their scrap, and the Chinese regularly begged OT to send more scrap to them, to keep their massive electric arc furnaces operational, and their millions of steel workers employed.

 

Even Sanjeev Gupta came to OT, seeking advice on how to save his faltering steel business. O.T's advice was simple, "Mate, forget about trying to run steel mills, the real money is in picking up valuable scrap, that people simply throw away!"

Very soon, both Cappy and Sanjeev were sighted, riding bicycles, towing little trailers, scouring their local streets for kerbside giveaways, and council collection piles. They soon learnt that.........

 

Edited Friday at 10:36 PM by onetrack

[turboplanner]

......this only bought a japatti now and again so they contacted Turbine Consulting NL  who suggested a Joint Venture (JV), and so they approached the current Chair of TATA Group, Nate Chandlershipac.

 

First, a little history.

 

TATA was founded in Bombay in 1868 by Jamsetji Tata.

 

Jam's first words were "Tata" as he was waving gooodbye to his English mother, and when he grew up to be mayor of Bombay, in an emotional vote he had the Council change the name to Mumbai in honour of his Mum and early days, but that's another story.

 

The Mayor often lunched with John Cholmonderau (pronounced "chum") Turbine at the Raffles Hotel, and it was John, with a 50 million Rupee donation (which secured half of India as his Tiger shoot) that allowed Jam to start building small cars.

 

The company flourished thanks to Sir Dorabji Tata getting a licence to build Ford Prefect Estate Cars, and Sir Ratan Tata fitting engines in them.

 

In 2008 of course the Tata Group bought out Jaguar Land Rover.

 

It's no surprise that the products were struggling; and one wag suggested they were worth more as scrap metal.

 

And so OT and Sanjeev found themselves booked on the next flight to Mumbai.

 

In the plush Board Room, gold-lined and not a Punkah Wallah in sight, Nate explained the Turbine Cat Farm principle and suggested that he could build Jags and Range Rovers and the two businessmen could sell them as junk and he would buy the cheap steel to build more cars, and they could spread the process all over the world as TATA bought out other car manufacturers to ........