The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

4 hours ago, onetrack said:

Santoku knife sets, which need to be treated with more care than a live Taipan, the Kimono with obi (which must be tied using the tateya musubi knot), and of course, Zori, otherwise known as Japanese work boots. Zori can be worn anytime and anywhere, of course, and if anyone complains that open-toed footwear must not be worn on the premises, one can always tell them where to shove their...........

..... overly protective and woke PPE.

 

This, dear readers, is a very timely and apt reminder that .....

[Captain]

4 hours ago, onetrack said:

Dear NES Readers, Cappy has brought a reminiscent tear to OT's eyes, as he did once own 3 of the D-375 dozers, plus a large fleet of other Komatsu machines, with the Cats making up a tiny minority of the 55-strong fleet. But those days are long gone, and today, all OT has left is a photo album, and little else. As the old saying goes, "I started with nothing, and I still have it all".)

As readers sadly consider OT's "reminiscent tears" they should all also consider the numerous mine owners, public authorities and other miscellaneous clients that OT may have charged by mistaking the hours and other "optimistic" charging methodologies.

 

Having spent much time with OT, I know him to be a good bloke that I would trusted with my life, however suffice to say that good maintenance management has meant that all of his aircraft and machinery have been sold with low hours & always below 250. In fact the most worn items in OT's fleet were the drills that he used to rewind odometers and hour meters.

[turboplanner]

.....showing toes is not the daring thing to do, because more than half Japan's tradies don't have them any more and you know what that means.

 

As in the nutcase example of the Flying Car (in Nature do we see flying bulls, flying worms, or buzzing BlowCats?) there was a small goup in AUF who had been working for 40 years to develop a flying Komatsu. We won't say who they are to save embarrassment, but one of them doesn't live in the Eastern States.

 

There were regular posts about D-375s with wings - flying Dozers. As some people had pointed out, if you're going to knock scrub down you put it in drive, give it WOT and sit back until you've covered 15 km with the 4.777 metre wide blade, so there's the obvious problem of the huge wings being crumpled by the trees each side. Someone suggested making them out of steel and grinding the leading edges. Another pointed out the D-358 weighed 74 tonnes but that was just met with silence from the group.

 

And still the flying dozer [avref] thread comments came, until..............

 

 

 

[Captain]

28 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

And still the flying dozer [avref] thread comments came, until.......

..... Turbo, who is widely experienced in matters heavy duty (like many of his non-NES 20,000 posts [some might say "hard going" but I would not go that far, because Turdbro's knowledge has been described by many as the equivalent to AI ......... but with a bad attitude]), brought the discussion to a grinding halt (like his Freightliners do when their chassis' fail) when he both opined and proscribed, that the W & B of a D-375 would ......

Edited July 4 by Captain

[turboplanner]

the sum of the hypotenuse which was quickly amswered by Tenderloin who sniggered and said "There aren't any hippos in Australia". It wasn't that this was an incorrect answer, but that he got 9 likes and 3 winners, and someone else said it dependong on whether you were wearing ...........

[Captain]

..... a zookeeper's uniform and carrying a .....

Edited July 5 by Captain

[John Werner]

On 29/06/2025 at 8:24 AM, Captain said:

..... perhaps Turdy's teacher was not dyslexic, and was just a dick.

 

So Tubb decided to contact his teacher again, who is now 96.

 

When Turds went around to see her she said "Boy sexy looking good a always were you, lad darling my Planner Turbo Ah" ...... but instead of just saying it backwards, Yoda like does, her dyslexia (aixelsyd) had taken a turn for the worst when she turned 40 (04) and she said "Yob yxes gnikool doog a syawla erew uoy, dal gnilard ym Rennalp Obrut ha".

 

"No wuckers" replied Obrut, tactfully, now .....

You'll have to speak up -  I'm lysdexic.

[CT9000]

10 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.....showing toes is not the daring thing to do, because more than half Japan's tradies don't have them any more and you know what that means.

 

As in the nutcase example of the Flying Car (in Nature do we see flying bulls, flying worms, or buzzing BlowCats?) there was a small goup in AUF who had been working for 40 years to develop a flying Komatsu. We won't say who they are to save embarrassment, but one of them doesn't live in the Eastern States.

 

There were regular posts about D-375s with wings - flying Dozers. As some people had pointed out, if you're going to knock scrub down you put it in drive, give it WOT and sit back until you've covered 15 km with the 4.777 metre wide blade, so there's the obvious problem of the huge wings being crumpled by the trees each side. Someone suggested making them out of steel and grinding the leading edges. Another pointed out the D-358 weighed 74 tonnes but that was just met with silence from the group.

 

And still the flying dozer [avref] thread comments came, until..............

 

 

 

......the joint Russia Ukraine project came to light. Sending tank turrets into orbit around Mars......

[turboplanner]

........and it only came to light when Putin yelled at his General "Wheresky are my XXXXXXX TANKSKYS?", and the General had to explain that the Russian Space Programme people had requested 40 Cosmonates (tank turret assys) to go into Space instead of Cosmonauts,  stuffing up .........

[John Werner]

"Weather at our destination, Dubai, is 50 degrees Celcius with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive".

A flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Another flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain seated until Captain Kangaroo and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning alarms are silenced, we'll open the cabin door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.  We hope you enjoyed the experience".

 

Taxiing down the tarmac, the aircraft abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

 

 If you step onto a plane and recognise a friend of yours named Jack, don't yell out "Hi Jack!".

If you get sick at the airport, it could be a terminal illness.

The Top Two Airline Flight Advertising Slogans:-

"Ask about our non-disclosure agreements and out-of-court settlements".

"The kids will love our inflatable slides".

That's all, folks.

[turboplanner]

.....ingers are next, followed by a demonstration of ...........

 

[onetrack]

.........Asian food delights from the Lucky Cat restaurant. Now, not many people know that Turbo started a fine Asian restaurant, as a sideline to the Turbine Cat Farming operation.

This restaurant conveniently utilised cats from the Cat Farm that didn't make the grade for pelts - thus showing that Turbo's business skills at waste minimisation and maximising ROI, were right up there with the countrys biggest and best CEO's.

The restaurant name was a clever joke that no-one ever twigged to, of course, and even fewer knew the source of the meat in the Kway Teow and the Sweet and Sour Pork, but regardless.........

 

(and here, dear NES readers, is OT's photo of Turbo's prominent restaurant advertising - however, he did give the place a miss, knowing it was owned by Turbo, so he can't report on these particular food delights, as regards taste......)

[Captain]

4 hours ago, onetrack said:

The restaurant name was a clever joke that no-one ever twigged to, of course, and even fewer knew the source of the meat in the Kway Teow and the Sweet and Sour Pork, but regardless........

..... this spawned a chain of the below Vet Clinics and Chinese restaurants, another Turbine Marketing initiative, with a short-cut hole in the wall between them to ensure that any veterinary failures were used to good ends and to ......

 

 

Edited July 6 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....match the supply of cats to the restaurant's orders.

It didn't take long for the word to get around "Hey Long See, don't take cat to vet  at dinner time - rot of pet heart attack that time me think - bird too, pluck before you get him back and ...............

[Captain]

12 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.....match the supply of cats to the restaurant's orders.

It didn't take long for the word to get around "Hey Long See, don't take cat to vet  at dinner time - rot of pet heart attack that time me think - bird too, pluck before you get him back and ...............

..... pet pangolins also in deep sh1t if they get crook, as they soon end up in a .....

[turboplanner]

.....Peking Duck Stew nobody tell diffrence hao hao!

 

It was a few months after these comments that the story came out about Cappy. As much as he rubbishes Turbo, he's always watching for something to copy, and he decided to replicate a Turbine Cat farm using Pangolins.

Without the intricate knowledge of things like Food Conversion Ratio, breeding and safe animal handling, this is almost impossible.

 

He'd been very quiet lately and we'd noticed that he had a pronounced limp, but out of courtesy none of us asked what had happened.

Then one night Turbo got a call from his Gwanzou Cat Farm manager Chop Ho who asked how he was with a chuckle. Chop explained that Cappy had gone out into the Forbidden Jungle to catch Pangolins. He'd taken a pair of Bunnings gloves with him and had run down and caught four. The fifth one got him. You'll notice from the picture that the Pangolin's scales restricted its running spped, but there were no scales around its jaws which were like a vice. Its defence was to run away and let the predator catch up, then sharply raise its jaws and put the brakes on. On the overrun this one managed to snap Cappy by the nuts and hang on. The sharp scales ripped the insides of his thighs to shreds and he was running with his legs apart and the Pangolin hanging off his swingers when.................

 

 

 

[Captain]

23 hours ago, turboplanner said:

The sharp scales ripped the insides of his thighs to shreds and he was running with his legs apart and the Pangolin hanging off his swingers when.......

..... Cappy, who has always learnt to stay calm when his swingers are involved, but as he was getting ready the flatten the pangolin's melon with a brick, he noticed the sleep filled eyes, which reminded him so strongly of his dear best mate, Turbo, whose eyes looked exactly like that little fellow in the photo, even at 3 o'clock in the arvo.

 

This prompted Cappy to keep the pangolin as a pet, named him Pangy (this being a suitably gender neutral name .... because it is hard to establish the sex of a pangolin without somebody accusing you of deviancy), picked it up and carried it to the nearest doctor that had a hot good-looking nurse to whom he could expose his damaged inner thighs and swingers. This methodology had always worked in the past as a precursor to establishing a meaningful horizontal relationship, even back in the regiment's hospital during his time up the Khyber, where British upper-class nurses were often liberated from their strict anti-colonial upbringing.

 

Pangy became a favourite in the .....

Edited July 7 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....Waiting room, running around for people to pat him; they had bleeding fingers afterwards but Pangy would sit up, tap a little beat on the floor the floor with his scales and say XXXX XXX in Spanish. Since no one knew Spanish he got away with it. It was when the nurse came up and said "Hi Pangy!" that ......

[Captain]

9 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.....Waiting room, running around for people to pat him; they had bleeding fingers afterwards but Pangy would sit up, tap a little beat on the floor the floor with his scales and say XXXX XXX in Spanish. Since no one knew Spanish he got away with it. It was when the nurse came up and said "Hi Pangy!" that ......

.... he melted, as Pangy had developed a fine appreciation of the female human form, so he rolled over in order to look cute and to gain sympathy.

 

Many of the patients in the waiting room assumed that he just wanted his tummy rubbed, but he was actually wanting a b.........

Edited July 7 by Captain

[onetrack]

.....londe nurse to give him a full medical, and run her hands over him (as Cappy always fantasised about - but it never happened, of course - he always got the grumpy old male doctors).

 

Pangy laid there on his back for a while, looking as cute as any Pangolin could get - but it wasn't working, because the place was so busy, that the nurse ignored him, after she said 'Hi' - thus leaving Pangy as bitterly disappointed as any Pangolin could get (and we have little understanding of Pangolin levels of disappointment, but the best animal behaviour researchers are working on it).

 

Accordingly, Pangy rolled back the right way up, and promptly.......

[turboplanner]

............sliced a toddler's finger off with one slice with a Major Scale. The mother offered to ........

[Captain]

11 hours ago, turboplanner said:

............sliced a toddler's finger off with one slice with a Major Scale. The mother offered to ........

.... respond in a minor scale or by using a major chord if that would assist the flow & rhythm of the NES.

 

However, the Bomb Chucker security guy at the door misunderstood Pangolin body language such that he had had enough of Pangy, and couldn't envision how Pangolins could possibly be as doubly useful as a goat, so he .......

[turboplanner]

......threw a burkha over Pangy walked into the bush and threw him into the blackberries, before returning and standing silently  in his white shirt, black pants and 367 magnum. No one gave cheek in Cappy's clinic.

After the doctor had told Cappy to lose 6 kilos, stop smoking, and take up a hobby like flying [avref], he looked around for Pangy. He'd taken a liking to the cute little fellow. The mother and short-fingered child had gone and the Bomb Chucker just outstared him so he went down to the local airfield and bought a new Jabiru. He didn't believe in currency, so he fulled it up and set sail, so to speak for .........

[Captain]

11 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

..... 367 magnum .....

This shows the pull and standing which that Clinic must have had with the forearms (gunref) industry, where they were happy to develop an entirely new caliber just for one user. It must therefore be part of the Turbine Clinics and Hospitals organization, as on checking, that caliber has been registered to the Turbchester/Turbine and Wesson firearms conglomerate.

Edited July 8 by Captain

[Captain]

12 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

He didn't believe in currency, so he fulled it up and set sail, so to speak for .......

.... WA, where they believe in even more freedom and even less currency, because in WA they .....