I like this one...

[bexrbetter]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

 

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

 

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

 

"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.

 

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

 

"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

 

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

 

The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

 

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

 

The same thing happens for two weeks.

 

Then one day the circus comes to town.

 

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:

 

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

 

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

 

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

 

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

 

"At the circus," says the bartender.

 

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

 

"That's right," replies the bartender.

 

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"

 

"Yeah!" the bartender replies.

 

"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.

 

"Of course," the bartender replies.

 

"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

 

"That's right!" says the bartender.

 

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer??"

 

 

[facthunter]

Is that IT.? Nev

 

 

[onetrack]

Oldie but a goodie. I think my BIL came out with it about 15 years ago. Still good for a chuckle. Thanks, Bex.

 

 

[onetrack]

While we're on the subject of animals in bars ....

 

Did you hear about the depressed, suicidal seal, who flip-flopped his way into a bar?

 

When the bartender asked what he wanted, the seal said, "A Canadian Club on the rocks!".

 

 

[bexrbetter]

And the all time classic ...

 

A horse trots into a bar, the Barman says: " Why the long face?" ..

 

----------------------------------

 

A Bear walks into a bar and says: "I'll have a

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

beer thanks"

 

The Barman asks: "Why the long pause?"

 

Bear responds: "I was born with them".

 

 

[GraemeK]

One of my faves:

 

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

 

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

 

"You talk?" he asks.

 

"Yep" the Lab replies.

 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

 

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

"Ten dollars" the guy says.

 

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

 

"Because he's a bullsh*t artist. He's never been out of the yard in his life."

 

 

[bexrbetter]

One of my faves:

Love it!

 

 

[kgwilson]

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money. So he calls home.

 

'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program

 

here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

 

'That's bloody amazing!' his Dad says.

 

'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

 

'Just send him down here with $12,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'It's not cheap Dad.

 

So his father sends the dog and $12,000.

 

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out because the sons living high. The boy calls home.

 

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

 

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm, Dad they can't shut the old bugger up but wait...... you just won't believe this.

 

They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

 

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

 

'Just send $14,500. I'll get him in the class.'

 

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

 

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

 

'Dad', the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home,

 

Ol' Blue I thew him in the back of the ute, he kicked back on his blanket with the latest copy of the the Wall Street Journal. After about 3 hours we stopped for a piss break then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your old man still rooting that little redhead barmaid with big tits from the local pub?''

 

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

 

'I sure did, Dad!'

 

'That's my boy!'

 

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer with Slater and Gordon.

 

 

[onetrack]

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends, late one night.

 

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

 

"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

 

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.

 

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

 

"Yup", replied the drunk.

 

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch this", the drunk replied.

 

He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering whack, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

 

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed out, "You f****** ***hole!! It's one-fifteen in the morning!!"

 

 

[onetrack]

A man is sitting in one of the premium, front-row, big-dollar seats, for the opening State of Origin match.

 

As he sits down, another man comes along, and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

 

“No”, he says, “that seat is empty.”

 

“This is incredible!” said the man, “Who in their right mind, would have a seat like this, for the State of Origin opener, the biggest sporting event of the football calendar, and not use it?”

 

The sitting man says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away.

 

This is the first State of Origin match we haven’t been to together, since we got married.”

 

“Oh… I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible."

 

"I guess you couldn’t find someone else? - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour, to take the seat?”

 

The man shakes his head.…

 

“No. They’re all at the funeral.”

 

 

[onetrack]

This is the appropriate joke for the moment ...

 

Stock Market and Corporate Abbreviations & Terms Definitions

 

CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.

 

CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.

 

BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

 

BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.

 

VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.

 

P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

 

BROKER - What my broker has made me.

 

STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell after major share losses.

 

STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

 

STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

 

FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

 

MARKET CORRECTION - This comes the day after you buy shares.

 

CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

 

YAHOO - What you yell after selling shares in that company, to some poor sucker, for $240 a share.

 

WINDOWS - What you jump out of, when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo shares at $240 a share.

 

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Former share investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

 

PROFIT - What your company makes in spades by not paying dividends.

 

 

[GeoffRV7]

Did you hear about the two Peanuts that went out for a night on the town?

 

One was assaulted.

 

 

[GeoffRV7]

If you walk into a toilet as an Australian..

 

Any you walk out of the toilet as an Australian..

 

What are you whilst you're in there?

 

European. (You're a pee'n)

 

 

[GeoffRV7]

A naked bloke walks into a Psychiatrist's office, totally wrapped in Glad Wrap.

 

After a brief pause, the Psychiatrist says, "Well I can clearly see you're nuts!"

 

 

[MikePousson]

A naked bloke walks into a Psychiatrist's office, totally wrapped in Glad Wrap.After a brief pause, the Psychiatrist says, "Well I can clearly see you're nuts!"

Evidently, he wasn’t wrapped tight.

 

 

[bexrbetter]

I just saw on the news that Police can issue on the spot fines for bad driving.

 

It's 2018, how do they get away with being so sexist?

 

 

[onetrack]

A motorist was pulled up for speeding by a highway patrolman.

 

The gent driving protested he wasn't speeding, but to no avail.

 

The motorist became more and more upset as his protestations fell on deaf ears.

 

As he was handed the ticket, he angrily exclaimed - "So, what am I supposed to do with this?"

 

The patrolman said - "Just keep collecting them. After you get four of them, you become entitled to a bicycle!"

 

 

[w3stie]

At the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

 

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

 

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi. Just give it a urine

 

sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about

 

It. It takes ten seconds and costs five bucks. A lot quicker and cheaper than a

 

doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi.

 

He deposits five dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the

 

urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

 

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

 

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy

 

activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi"

 

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe

 

began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

 

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples

 

from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

 

Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results. He deposits

 

five dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

 

The computer prints the following:

 

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

 

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

 

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

 

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

 

5. And If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

 

Thank you for shopping at Aldi.

 

 

[onetrack]

A bloke walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls before."

 

"I need something to give me the ability to serve them thoroughly - and probably all three at the same time."

 

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer, and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label, **Viagra Extra Strength**.

 

The pharmacist says, "Here - if you swallow two of these, you'll have enough staying power for twelve hours." The bloke says, "Great!! Give me two boxes!"

 

The next day, the bloke walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants.

 

The pharmacist looks on in horror as he notices the blokes ol' fella is black and blue, mangled, and chunks of skin are hanging off in some places.

 

In a pained voice, the man moans, "Give me a bottle of Deep Heat."

 

The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that!"

 

The man replies, "It's not for my ol' fella - it's for my arms! The girls didn't show up!"

 

 

[bexrbetter]

So Abdul the Muslim just loves food and he just has to know what pork tastes like. So he slips to the other side of town where no one knows him, finds a restaurant, looks at the menu and orders 'Suckling Pig' on the recommendation of the Waiter.

 

Out comes the small pig on a baking tray, and wouldn't you know it, Abdul's cousin Yasmin walks in the door at the same!

 

"Abdul, what are you doing? Have you forgotten the teachings of the Koran!!"

 

Abdul replies, "What the hell, I ordered baked apple and this is how it comes? ...."