Christmas Jokes

[Admin]

With Christmas coming up and with it will come all the jokes so that is what this thread is all about.

 

2008's First Christmas Joke

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

 

"In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

 

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

 

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

 

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

 

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

 

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

 

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?"

 

The man replied, "These are Carols."

 

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

 

 

[skeptic36]

A Car For Christmas

 

Danny had recently passed his driving test and decided to ask his clergyman father if there was any chance of him getting a car for Christmas, which was yet some months away. 'Okay.' said his father 'I tell you what I'll do. If you can get your grades up to 'A's and 'B's, study your bible and get your hair cut, I'll consider the matter very seriously.'

 

 

 

A couple of months later Danny went back to his father who said 'I'm really impressed by your commitment to your studies. Your grades are excellent and the work you have put into your bible studies is very encouraging. However, I have to say I'm very disappointed that you haven't had your hair cut yet.

 

Danny was a smart young man who was never lost for an answer. 'Look dad. In the course of my bible studies I've noticed in the illustrations that Moses, John the Baptist, Samson and even Jesus had long hair.' 'Yes. I'm aware of that...' replied his father '... but did you also notice they walked wherever they went?'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[planedriver]

Quote

 

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

 

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?"

 

The man replied, "These are Carols."

 

If you give me the authority, I might have to moderate this one.

 

Bye the way Ian, it was'nt St Peter-------------It was St Knickerless:laugh:

 

Kind regards

 

Planey

 

 

[Admin]

Bye the way Ian, it was'nt St Peter-------------It was St Knickerless:laugh:Kind regards

 

Planey

 

 

[turboplanner]

Jet Fuel

 

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked

 

as aeroplane mechanics in Sydney.

 

 

It was Christmas, all the planes were out, the airport was fogged in and they had nothing to do.

 

 

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

 

 

Jim says, "Me too. I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a

 

buzz. You wanna try it?"

 

 

So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane

 

hooch and got completely smashed.

 

 

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good

 

he feels. In fact he feels great, no hangover, no bad side

 

effects.

 

 

Nothing at all.

 

 

Then the phone rings...its Jim.

 

 

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

 

 

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

 

 

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

 

 

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover,

 

nothing. We ought to do this more often."

 

 

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

 

 

"What's that?"

 

 

"Have you farted yet?"

 

 

"No....."

 

 

"Well, dont, 'cause I'm in Adelaide..."

 

 

[octave]

The Science of Santa

 

1. No known species of reindeer can fly, but there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only santa has ever seen.

 

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world, but since santa doesn't (appear) to handle the muslim, hindu, jewish and buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to population reference bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

 

3. Santa has 31 hours of christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each christian household with good children, santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

 

This means that santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

 

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull ten times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

 

5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

 

In conclusion - if santa ever did deliver presents on christmas eve, he's dead now.

 

 

[farri]

Well if Santa is dead,then who keeps making all them toys in the stores?.

 

Frank.

 

 

[Deskpilot]

A Christmas Story

 

 

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

 

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

 

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

 

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

 

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

 

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

 

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

 

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

 

[Tomo]

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

So that's where that come from hey...:big_grin:

 

Just go's to show that when your having a bad day, an angel is just around the corner waiting to brighten up your day...you've just got to let it in...:thumb_up:

 

 

[turboplanner]

David received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was

 

fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

 

Every other word was an expletive.

 

 

Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

 

David tried hard to improve the parrot's attitude and was

 

constantly saying polite words, playing soft music,

 

anything he could think of to try and set a good example...

 

 

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled

 

back. He shook the bird and the bird just became more angry

 

and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David

 

shoved the parrot into the freezer.

 

 

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and

 

scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for

 

half a minute.

 

 

David became frightened that he might have hurt the bird

 

and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly

 

stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I do

 

believe I may have offended you with my rude language

 

and actions. I will endeavour at once to correct my

 

behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your

 

forgiveness."

 

 

David was astonished at the parrot's change in attitude

 

and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change

 

when the parrot continued,

 

 

“May I ask what the turkey did?"

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All Employees

 

DATE: December 1

 

RE: Christmas Party

 

 

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!

 

 

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

 

 

Patty

 

 

-=-

 

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All Employees

 

DATE: December 2

 

RE: Holiday Party

 

 

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

 

 

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

 

 

There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

 

 

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

 

 

Patty

 

 

-=-

 

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All Employees

 

DATE: December 3

 

RE: Holiday Party

 

 

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous any more. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

 

 

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

 

 

Patty

 

 

-=-

 

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

To: All Employees

 

DATE: December 7

 

RE: Holiday Party

 

 

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

 

 

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people.

 

 

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.

 

 

Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

 

 

Patty

 

 

-=-

 

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

 

TO: All #%&$ing Employees

 

DATE: December 10

 

RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party

 

 

Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

 

 

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

 

 

The B!tch from HELL!!!!!!!!

 

 

-=-

 

 

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

 

DATE: December 14

 

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

 

 

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

 

 

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

 

 

Happy Holidays!!