Captain

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.......wayward Colonel Unlocks, a distinguished member of the Unlocks family. It was General Shaun Unlocks that carried out atrocities on behalf of Lord Cumberland after the Jacobites had surrendered at the Battle of Culloden, and founded The Black Watch which was stationed at Fort William and chased Highlanders for years, so it was fair to say that the Colonel was not totally trusted by all of the Khyber Pass stalwarts which included the Jacobite Turbine family, and so on that fateful day which started with an unusual rush from the Khybers .................

..... who had written some new jokes and were keen to use them to taunt the Raj.

"Hey you Jackoffbites, you can stick your black watch as I prefer a Seiko with a grey dial".

The Gungadins were all a titter after unleashing that level of humour,  and Colonel Unlocks (known as Col to his mates), stepped out from his hidey hole behind 10 rows of the common soldiery and called .....

...... downed a bottle of gin for Jack and a quart of Pims for Arthur.

Arthur, the Company Drifter, the Company Bike, and a barrel of Pims were the key components in the Khyber story about the ....

..... often go to Jack's and Arthur's memorial with a large pot of curry and a .....

On 15/05/2024 at 10:49 PM, Captain said:

.... the temperamental Indians that had been paid for by Visa, were joined by unreliable Harleys and hard to start Excelsiors, which .....

..... gave Turbo another V-twin flashback to his time up the Khyber, where he had been issued a brand new DOD Rudge with which to patrol the border.

"Don't talk to me about temperamental Indians, dot not feather." said Turbo "As they fired a couple of rounds at me, then ......

Cappy is concerned that OEHOR has been so quiet. Same with bull & his fishing boat.

Are you esteemed members OK?

16 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

"Stick with me and you'll wear diamonds; XXXX with me and you'll have dirt for dessert!!"

His mining sites were a model of production, all worked by temp. visa Indians, and soon .............

.... the temperamental Indians that had been paid for by Visa, were joined by unreliable Harleys and hard to start Excelsiors, which .....

4 hours ago, turboplanner said:

This was the sceanrio that OEHOR was facing and no one quite knew how he would act. He was a lab most of the time, but put a scratch on one of his bulldozers and he turned into a .........

...... 2024 version of Breaker Morant, which became blatantly obvious when he knocked up a few Prison Camps where nobody would see them in the earthquake belt just west of Southern Cross, and he started to publicise his soon to be infamous slogan "......

..... the Boars had 3 members in the WA parliament, and Johannes became the most popular name in WA for the 5th year in a row, which .....

Cappy is aware from NES reader feedback, that you all find WA to be a little boring, however the Boars are something different again, and are seldom boring when they apply Rule 303, as they are prone to do.

It is further noted that the Boar members of the AUFWA only fly white aircraft (NTTIAWWT).

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

...time off for church on Sundays, and mutton & pickles sandwiches, and Phenyl to cleam our homes, and ............................

.... Quokka biltong has become a staple since all the RSA farmers arrived, and before the .....

8 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.....would be a part of the great peoples of the West, even if only an irrelevant swill of swishing ......

.... and swashing on the rump of Australian society, as a whole.

I fail to see why, but OEHOR took offense at Turbo's comment and said "But we have unique freedoms, perks and opportunities over here in the west, such as ......

..... the common and more basic peasant level Sand Monkeys could find foot tapping, so that they ......

4 hours ago, turboplanner said:

........what was know as "The Blockages", not unlike the "Troubles" in Ireland which also started over a shortage of toilet paper. As we know, the Poms have always been frugal with "the paper" whereas the Irish would always help out a neighbour, and this difference inevitably led to civil war. Of course when the King sent soldiers to Ireland he was perplexed at how easy it was for the Irish to find concealed English soldiers and escape, but of course now we know.

 

This also was why ........

...... what in WA was kmown as "The Struggles" (sometimes described as being SandBound) because the residents of Southern Cross disliked those in Mangeymuttinup, and both of those firmly disliked Prince Leonard and Ralph Sarich, who both sewed division and unhappiness more effectively than Ian Paisley and the dude with the dark hair from the IRA.

It took a great Statesman like the OnlyEverHadOneRoot to recover the .....

Turbo's  video solves the age old issue of why the rest of the platoon up the Khyber called him Scaggsy, and why he now still has a CowLick.

On 10/05/2024 at 8:07 PM, Captain said:

Cappy apologises if he was one of those at Bathurst, that told Turbo to XXXX Off. Who would have thought that after that, they would become such close and life long mates, particularly given Turbo's extreme wealth and all.

 

For the non-hoons in the NES, Turbine Enterprises now owns Bathurst and all surrounding land through to 100 kms past Orange, including Cappy's ggg'father's blacksmith shop at Lucknow.

Turbine Precious Metals have reopened the Ophir, Hill End & Chamers Creek goldfields (They now supply directly to Fort Knox, bypassing they Perth Mint who cannot be trusted, given the latest sand scandal), the circuit has been rebranded as Mt Turbirama, Bathurst is now just called "Thirst" (after Turbine Psychology & Mental Health suggested that he face up to his so-called "Drinking Demons") and since he also owns 80% of the freehold in Orange, that name cannot be used to describe any fruit other than that which is grown by the Turbine Citrus Conglomerate around the world. 

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

During the paper shortage of 1983, WA Sand was used in toilets which led to ..............

..... the other Great WA Scandal, when, like covid, Government Medical Officers advised the sand monkeys to use WA sand in their bidets to de-dag themselves in a paper free environment, saying that it was "Safe and Effective".

They then ran for cover and joined the boards of sand companies when many in the population started to enjoy their sand enemas and hold Sand Bidet parties..... while a high statistical proportion developed silicosis of the bum, and associated regional damage to their ....

Cappy apologises if he was one of those at Bathurst, that told Turbo to XXXX Off. Who would have thought that after that, they would become such close and life long mates, particularly given Turbo's extreme wealth and all.

.... practical mechanics carried the day just like they did after the last war, so every time they got a diesel into the workshop with glazed bored, they put a cup of WAGreat into each cylinder and "Bob's your uncle", but this only ....

During Cappy's time in motor racing, he was in the pits at Bathurst, lolling around with his meticulously prepared machines, and he gave Phil Ward a hand to stick a brand new engine into his Ford. With the race soon to start and no time to run the engine in, Phil grabbed some Ajax and poured some into each plug hole. It was a little hard to start and nobody stood in line with the exhaust, but once out, it did the job and finished the race.

Note to BlueHead owners  ..... It doesn't work so well with 2 strokes.

.... this caused an oversupply of already plentiful sand and the price of premium WA sand crashed to its lowest level since The Great Sand Scam of '84.

The result was .......

.... the now famous northwestern Big Sand which Mick initially called Huge Sand but Mal insisted on the name "Gigantic Sand" because each grain was 3 times the size of that proxy white sand in the Witsundays, which doesn't even itch or abrade when someone puts a bucket full down your bathers (front OR back)?

So they built a 1 to 1 life-size model but the tourists still couldn't .......

..... did the ochre (and occa) equivalent of selling ice to Eskimos.

Do you know that Western Australians have 25 words for "Sand", and ......

..... had enough stockpiled to sell.

So they opened a marketing office in the regional center of Mangeymuttinup and ......

....... Sand Monkey Pharts, as they are similar to the Sahara dust that occasionally traverses the Atlantic and pollutes the Caribbean & South America, see the below map.

As can be seen, this is why in Sydney & Melbournistan, Perth is known as the "Aussie Dakar" (and Southern Cross is known as the Skippy version of that little sh#@hole town just outside Marrakech). Sometimes the WA Dust even contains South African accents.

The WA Sand Layer Forecast (TWASLF) is one if the most popular shows on the .....

..... once they are covered in sand, they become inert & petrified anyway, hence why WA has never had an outbreak of cholera or typhoid.

Nor is any Sand Monkey game to break wind due to sand blasting and silicosis restrictions in the WA constitution.

And dear readers, that was the driving force behind the ......

..... because he is, indeed 35, .................. when measured in cat years, .............. however this revelation by the good Turbo is slightly incorrect as the Skipper was not referring to the abreviation for a parachute. Crappy was thinking more about the s.........

..... "Chute (or is it "Shoot"?) If'n I had the readies I would .......

18 hours ago, turboplanner said:

 ....... plop down .......

Cappy thanks Turdo for reintroducing the very immotive yet highly descriptive aviation term 'to plop down", .......................... as while Cappy has not yet "plopped down" he knows a few that have.

18 hours ago, turboplanner said:

By evening ..........

..... the rims had been stolen off most of them and the few that were still in one piece had been fitted with neon and UV lights, with pneumatic suspensions & a boom box installed by various Hispanic persons, so that they could bunny hop all the ......