Diddy Pilot Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Okay, maybe not aviation humour, but I got a good laugh from some of these. “My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’” “A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food here.’” “Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!” “Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, ‘Do you know why I can’t be buried there?’ And we all say, ‘Why not?’ And he says, ‘Because I’m not dead yet!’” “Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.” “I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.” “How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.” “I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!” “How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, ‘Ribbit, ribbit’ and a horny toad says, ‘Rub it, rub it.’” “A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’” “What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1” What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell Phones What did the buffalo parents say when their little boy left the herd? Bison Two satellites decided to get married; the wedding wasn’t much, but the reception was incredible. What do you call a dodgy Italian neighbourhood? Spaghetto. I am reading a book about the history of glue; I just can’t seem to put it down. Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie. If prisoners could take their own mug shots, would they be cellfies? Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind it’s tearable Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. Why can’t you here a pterodactyl going to the toilet? Because the pee is silent. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me. I’d like to give a big shout out to all the footpaths for keeping me off the streets. It was such a beautiful wedding, a really emotional event, even the cake was in tiers. Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they are shellfish. What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. I bought shoes from a drug dealer once; I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day. What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine. I have a real phobia about elevators; I am going to take steps to avoid them. I’ve been addicted to cold turkey for 2 years. I keep telling people that I’m trying to quit cold turkey but nobody takes me seriously. Old yachtsmen don’t die…………..they keel over. Are you cold? Then go stand in the corner it is ninety degrees. I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome, It was pretty bad at first but by the end I liked it. Why is Irish whiskey triple distilled? To be sure, to be sure to be sure. RIP boiled water, you will be mist. What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller. What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket……you can hide but you can’t run. This bouncy castle is twice the price of what it was last year……that’s inflation for you. Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief? He had loco motives The rotation of the earth really makes my day. You can’t run through a campsite. You can only ran……because it is past tents. What happened to the cow who tried to jump the barb-wire fence? Udder destruction. Met a guy who said he hadn’t been to the toilet for two years; I reckon he is full of shit. I was already having a bad day then some prick tore the front and back pages off my dictionary, it just goes from Bad to Worse. These optometry jokes keep getting cornea and cornea. Doctor doctor you have got to help me, I am addicted to Twitter; …..sorry I don’t follow you. I have spent all morning trying to swallow my watch…….now that was time consuming!!!! What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. Did you hear about the kidnapping at your child’s school? It’s okay he woke up. What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? One is about $2.50 the other is just under a buck. Don’t you hate it when you keep getting texts from a shop, I went to Ikea last week buying furniture, they keep offering me deals on more furniture. I thought I made it clear all I wanted was one nightstand. Where are average things made? In the satisfactory. I’ve decided to sell my vacuum cleaner; afterall it’s just collecting dust. 3 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old man emu Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Aw Daaaad! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M61A1 Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 My grandfather's favourite.. Policeman to locksmith: What were you doing at the time police raided the illegal brothel?" Locksmith: " I was making a bolt for the door" 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SDQDI Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 The only time the word "incorrectly" is not spelt incorrectly is when it is spelt incorrectly! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SDQDI Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 If something horrific is horrible why isn't something terrific terrible? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SDQDI Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bexrbetter Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 I get my Grand-Daughter with this often, escalating it.. She says "Knock knock...." I say "Come in ..."! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guernsey Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 Have you heard the joke about cornflakes? I'll tell you some more next week cos it's a cerial (serial). Alan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SDQDI Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 Did you hear the joke about the perforated paper? Never mind it was tearable 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bexrbetter Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 Have you heard the joke about cornflakes? If I killed you and a few others with a Corn Flakes packet, would that make me a cereal killer? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M61A1 Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 How do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He ate his macaroni cheese before it was cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diddy Pilot Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? It reads “Small medium at large.” A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?” The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them” A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts. “What’s ET short for? Because he’s only got little legs.” Today I made a New Year’s resolution to not leave things so late. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diddy Pilot Posted November 1, 2016 Author Share Posted November 1, 2016 What do you call a Mexican man leaving the hospital? Manuel I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea. A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?” I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. I gave all my dead batteries away today… Free of charge. What’s so good about Switzerland? Well the flag’s a big plus. Last night my wife and I watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bexrbetter Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 What do you call a Mexican man leaving the hospital? Manuel You only have the Juan Mexican joke? I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. I chose "mypenis" but it kept coming back telling me it was too short. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diddy Pilot Posted November 1, 2016 Author Share Posted November 1, 2016 No Senor Bex, I have many..... Why don’t Mexicans cross the border in 3’s? – Because it says no trespassing A white guy married a hot latin chick, and ever since all she wants all the time is sex, more and more sex. At some point the guy goes to his friend to ask what to do, the friend says "Tell her from now on if you want some you have to pay. on the floor:10 buck. in the kitchen: 20 bucks in the bedroom: 30 bucks." The guy comes home and takes of his shirt, his wife jumps on him and he tells her "Hey! from now on you want some you pay for it! on the floor:10 buck. in the kitchen: 20 bucks in the bedroom: 30 bucks." So the girl says "O.K. Here's 30 bucks", the guy says "In the bedroom?" the girls says "No! 3 times on the floor!" Why should you never play Uno with a Mexican? They take all the green cards. A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He says, "Mom, look - I'm a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father." He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look Dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother." The boy goes into his grandmother's room and say, "Mira, Abuelita, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See, did you learn anything from that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans! 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bexrbetter Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 No Senor Bex, It's "Comrade". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diddy Pilot Posted November 8, 2016 Author Share Posted November 8, 2016 They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian – they’re not laughing now I fear for the calendar, it’s days are numbered. There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation. Slept like a log last night … woke up in the fireplace. Did you hear that after the rap artist 50cent wasn’t allowed into Australia he toured Zimbabwe under a different name? 40 Million Dollars. So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-stick… and put it on my bill” Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, “man, it’s really hot in here”. The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, “WHOA, a talking muffin!” What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey “I hate Oyings.” “what is an Oying?” “well this joke for starters!!!” 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bexrbetter Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian – they’re not laughing now What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey Great stuff! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bexrbetter Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 What rhymes with orange? No, no it doesn't. 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yenn Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 I poisoned my wife with a razor blade. I gave her arse a nick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
facthunter Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 You argue ALL the time.. No, I don't. Nev Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
planedriver Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 The only time the word "incorrectly" is not spelt incorrectly is when it is spelt incorrectly! Not everyone is too fussed about spelling mistakes. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deskpilot Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 What rhymes with orange?No, no it doesn't. Porange Porange is a pronoun, used to describe a piece (or pieces) of hair growing where hair does not normally grow. Also referrs to the appearance of one hair which grows longer and faster than its surrounding follicle mates. Is also the original word rhyming with orange. Any occurance of seemingly misplaced or oddly fast growing hair (or hairs). NOTE: Mole hair does not count. b Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bexrbetter Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 Porange is a pronoun, ... and still doesn't rhyme with "what". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
facthunter Posted December 13, 2016 Share Posted December 13, 2016 Bit slow folks. Nev Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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