Captain Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 NES NEWS ITEM! Turbo's previous post was shortened after a Telstra Limo (Sol's old car according to the driver) and a spin doctor got out and presented him with his own personally named Mobile Boadband Modem. ..... "I have a USB port" said Nanna "Do you want to stick it in there? (aviation back-seat term)" she asked. But Turdbo stood tall, tugged his Goatee (not that there is anything wrong with that), pulled one side of his Lederhosen shoulder straps down and said "................. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bull Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 see that nana i had it installed after the raticus incident[see casa report] plug it in there and you,ll see what that nice man from telsra gave me...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turboplanner Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 see that nana i had it installed after the raticus incident[see casa report] plug it in there and you,ll see what that nice man from telsra gave me...... "Did you sign for it" asked Brine "He didn't have a pen" replied nana, "so......." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bryon Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 "Did you sign for it" asked Brine "He didn't have a pen" replied nana, "so......." It was at this point in the saga that Salty (who was known to dispense wise old sayings at odd times) looked Nana fair square in all three eyes and said.. "La plume de ma tante......." Salty's jaw dropped as two visions of loveliness dressed in sequined ledehosen, feather adorned tyrolean hats and cowboy boots flounced up to him and said.... "Never mind the pen thweetie, Turbth and I want to know where you are going to put the.................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turboplanner Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 It was at this point in the saga that Salty (who was known to dispense wise old sayings at odd times) looked Nana fair square in all three eyes and said.."La plume de ma tante......." Salty's jaw dropped as two visions of loveliness dressed in sequined ledehosen, feather adorned tyrolean hats and cowboy boots flounced up to him and said.... "Never mind the pen thweetie, Turbth and I want to know where you are going to put the.................... "thpirax binder..........." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turboplanner Posted December 24, 2011 Share Posted December 24, 2011 Being Christmas Eve, we thought regular NES deviates and others might like a Christmas Eve story, a true one about Santa: Santa was running late this particular year. The elves had gone on strike for higher wages, and this had delayed production of all the children’s presents, so Santa had to put the last of them together himself. His fingers were sore and he felt a touch of arthritis coming on but, he told himself, he’d made it by Christmas Eve. Even had a present for that little Ahlocks who’d been writing in for forty years, with BS about behving himself. Looking out the window he realised it was getting dark and worse still, a storm was approaching. It was time to bring in the reindeer. He whistled his faithful dog Shep, but Shep just put his head between his paws and closed his eyes. He turned to his two most faithful elves, but they saw it coming and quickly clocked off. His gaze fell on his wife who said “I’m preparing the turkey dear, you’ll have to get the reindeer yourself” Pulling on his boots and grabbing his torch Santa walked out into the snow to where the reindeer always sheltered a nightfall, but they weren’t there. He called and called, but the reindeer were not dumb and had moved right down into the back paddock. Cursing as he tramped through deeper and deeper snow, he finally reached them. “Get up to the house you lazy b@rs@rds!” he yelled as he rounded them up, but Prancer and Blitzen doubled back on him. Sprinting to cut them off he tripped on a hidden branch , and snow poured in the front of his jacket. “You ********* ars$$$$$ he yelled. Finally he managed to get them to the house and lined up in front of the sleigh. It was then he saw that Dancer was lame. He rang the farrier, and asked “Herb, one of my reindeer’is gone lame and I’ve got an urgent job on, could you come out and shoe him for me please? Herb said “Wassat?, raining again? Dussn matta, I’ve been on the turps all afternoon. Cursing, Santa rummaged in the shed and finally found a small horse shoe “This will have to do old boy” he said to Dancer, and just as he bent over to grab the hoof, Dancer got him a beauty right in the family jewels. “Oowwww! You son of a *****! He yelled, but after a struggle in which his pants were badly torn, Dancer had a new shoe. “Thank goodness for that” he thought, I’ll go in and have a quick cup of coffee and then I can load the sleigh. It was then he noticed the broken runner, and remembered misjudging the last chimney. He’d been going to fix it all year, but you know how other priorities always get in the way. He got on the phone to Shaun the chippie and asked him to come out urgently. “You’ve got to be JOKING!” said Shaun, “don’t you know it’s Christmas Eve!?. “And besides, it’s FREEZING!” Choking back a string of profanities since Mrs. Claus was within hearing, he went back out to the shed and viciously grabbed hammer and a tin of nails. The first blow struck his thumb and people say they heard him from the village, but eventually the runner was secure, and it was time to load the presents. The elves normally helped him do his, but they hadn’t forgiven him for not giving them a pay rise, so he said to his wife “Could you help me with this?” “No dear, I told you I was busy” she said. After an hour or so of tramping in and out of the house, his boots were soaked, his toes freezing, the melted snow had worked its way down to his tender jocks area, but he was able to gather the last fo the presents in one big armful. Making his way out to the sleigh he threw the lot on top, and as he did so, the bottom of the sleigh burst open spreading presents all over the snow. Just then, around the corner came the Good Fairy carrying a Christmas tree. “Where would you like me to put this Santa?” the beautiful fairy sweetly asked And children, that’s why you always see a beautiful fairy at the top of the Christmas tree today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomo Posted December 24, 2011 Share Posted December 24, 2011 What a revelation! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bryon Posted December 24, 2011 Share Posted December 24, 2011 So, let me see if I have this right; vertically challenged people are heartless workers who will go on strike at the peak need time of the year with the possibility of disappointing millions of kids Locksy is an long term habitual liar; Dogs are disobedient; Reindeer are lazy cunning buggas who are prone to kicking people in the goolies; Farriers are drunkards; You cant get customer service from a carpenter; Wives are unhelpful and Fairies need mounting up a tree. I have also noted that Santa... is useless as a carpenter, cant shoe a reindeer for nuts, doesnt wear protective clothing around dangerous animals, cannot negotiate a workplace agreement, has no idea of how to load a goods carrying vehicle with respect to W&B swears like a trooper and is prone to violent outbursts Have I missed anything? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ahlocks Posted December 24, 2011 Share Posted December 24, 2011 The translation of the actual words to Haaaark!!! the herald angels sing has been lost with time... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bryon Posted December 24, 2011 Share Posted December 24, 2011 The translation of the actual words to Haaaark!!! the herald angels sing has been lost with time... Maybe it was a error during transcription. F and H look very similar in olde englifh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bull Posted December 24, 2011 Share Posted December 24, 2011 good one guys merry xmas to all bloody funny:roflmao: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turboplanner Posted December 26, 2011 Share Posted December 26, 2011 .......as bull suddenly burst out laughing at the Christmas Dinner. Anyone know the maximum photo upload size? Had a good story with photos but it went south with the first upload. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bryon Posted December 26, 2011 Share Posted December 26, 2011 .......as bull suddenly burst out laughing at the Christmas Dinner. ...cos he knew Mavis was waiting in the wings to bring out the christmas pudding. She was wearing a skimpy possum skin bikini as a special treat for Turbro who loved seeing her ........... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bull Posted December 26, 2011 Share Posted December 26, 2011 Bring out the pudding with with those two cherrys standing up proud on top,Meanwhile Sir Raticus was trying to get out from under the xmas tree [he had been tangled up amongst the tinsle and presents for a couple of hours now]How the hell did i end up here ,he said. Turbro said ,Dont you remember what you did last night raticus? You where playing with nanas... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bryon Posted December 27, 2011 Share Posted December 27, 2011 Bring out the pudding with with those two cherrys standing up proud on top,Meanwhile Sir Raticus was trying to get out from under the xmas tree [he had been tangled up amongst the tinsle and presents for a couple of hours now]How the hell did i end up here ,he said. Turbro said ,Dont you remember what you did last night raticus? You where playing with nanas... ........tassells when you twirled them in the wrong direction" This had upset Nana (she liked her tassells being twirled in the right direction) and she suddenly threw down her drink (waste of cheap plonk), grabbed Elratto by his .......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turboplanner Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 ...tassellations and..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turboplanner Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 Turbo had been sent to Byron Bay on assignment over the Christmas break to investigate a bikie brawl. This was the home of Bryon before he was relocated, for reasons we can't reveal, to the Paris end of Doveton. He changed his name of course, not very original, but very few from the northern States would ever wake up to the similarity. Turbo quickly found the reason for the bikie problem, and saw the first of many bodies, victims of the brawl (IMG_5287B) The cause of the fight was immediately obvious - only a **** would paint a Harley white. Amazing jewellery can be bought in the streets, most people thinking it is sterling silver, and exclusive to Byron, by the locals buy Arizona turquoise cabs for 2c per dozen and make the jewellery out of Harley pistons from the dozen or so repair shops around town. As he looked around he saw more bodies, and survivors in the background (IMG_5311) - it had really been some brawl according to Turbo's spotters in the hang glider above , and what appeared to be a CIA gyro all brilliant blood red and chrome which did a high pass along the beach. The main battle had been fought around Strop's pub, where bouncers with arms stretched wide in that tough stance had quickly moved it on (IMG_5253A), assisted by fearsome security dogs, some with doubtful breeding habits (IMG_5303) Turbo patrolled for a while deciding that the streets would appeal to those turned on by the crowd level at the Royal Easter Show. Hottest car in town, a GT lowered and chopped wagon would have competed with the Dodge Chargers on Woodward Avenue, Detroit in the good old days (IMG_5309). There was philosophy too (IMG_5308). Only someone who has worked out a way where we the taxpayers will pay them to surf, then pay $49.95 for a $2.00 T Shirt criticising our hard work would find this funny. However, we knew we were getting close to the Queensland border when we saw these people happily taking the shade on the rocks (IMG_5323), after walking past this sign (IMG_5324) But Turbo had been called to a tiger issue in the north of India............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 "Geeeeez Louise" said Nobu as he looked at Nanna in her skimpy possum skinned bikini (ref post # 6161) "I can't tell where the possum fur ends and your own fur begins" he commented while trying not to be ill (aviation term) "And isn't it a bit humid up here in Byron (an anagram of "Salty") for that possum fur number?". "Did someone call me" asked Anna, who waighed more than a gram and was also a bit wiffy from the heat up at Byron (a spelling mistake of "Salty"). But as ElRatsack dragged himself out from under the Chrissy tree he realised that what looked like Tassels and Chrissy lights was actually a snare prepared with an aim to turn him into Chrissy lunch, on the barby up at Byron (with Rat crackling). "Who could be so cunning and devious (aviation board member term)?" he asked himself, and only one such person came to mind. It was (see very difficult hints below) ..................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ahlocks Posted December 28, 2011 Share Posted December 28, 2011 "My my, what an impressive collection of carpenter pictures el Ratto" commented Lox. "There's even one with an odd shaped skateboard..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turboplanner Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 But Loxie fooled no one (Except Isaac) - it was the notorious Coastal Rat Burgler, who used his accoutrements to open.......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 "My my, what an impressive collection of carpenter pictures el Ratto" commented Lox. "There's even one with an odd shaped skateboard..." "See" said TurdBro "Just as I expected, he doesn't even know what a Locksmiff looks like." "And what are those things that look like tools (CASA inspector aviation term) that those guys are carrying, and what are those shiney things with cerations along the edges?" asked Ahlocks "As none of those blokes have fishnets on, nor are their arms signalling YMCA, where I love to stay." "Well I never" said DieZak to Brine. "That's your problem" replied Salty "Because, as TurdBro has mentioned, you should use the accoutrements (Le plume de ma Tante etc etc) to ........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ahlocks Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 "See" said TurdBro "Just as I expected, he doesn't even know what a Locksmiff looks like."........ "Well bugger me! (Blue Oyster Bar term? ) So that's why airport gates take so long to get open!" "Well I never..." said DieZak again "and while I........" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 "Well bugger me! (Blue Oyster Bar term? ) So that's why airport gates take so long to get open!" "Well I never..." said DieZak again "and while I........" .... and it turned out that DieZak really had "never". "You're a prime target for the BOB" commented Locksie "As we like bright young boyz who have "never", so come here, put on these fishnets and ...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bull Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 ,,,,,,,meet up with elratto at the...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Posted December 29, 2011 Share Posted December 29, 2011 ,,,,,,,meet up with elratto at the...... ...... grotty grotto down the back, where Otto is blotto, and the Locko has a motto that says "................. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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