The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

..... went all melancholy (gin tends to do that) and spoke softly to his best mate, when he said ".....

[bull]

.you know i,m jack of this ,  about a couple of posts ago I was a CEO with the suit and all , and here i am covered in sheep s#$t for what Cappy "for Bloody what"?????   [Turbo,s  meeting the locals ]     Cappy just bowed his head and in a deep slow voice said...........

[Captain]

5 hours ago, Captain said:

..... went all melancholy (gin tends to do that) and spoke softly to his best mate, when he said ".....

..... I'll do the quality control, as I have a PhD in Wool Classing, plus I have already done a deal to sell it to a cooperative of spinners in Feng Shui, and I have just inseminated all of the ewes in this flock."

 

"How did you do the inseminating?" asked Turbo who also works undercover for the RSPCA.

 

"Oh, no wuckers Tubby, it was artificial." responded Cappy.

 

"Thank goodness for that as there are over 600 ewes in that flock, so if not via AI, you would have been ......

 

EDIT - bull and Cappy pushed their buttons at identical times, so apologies to our thousands of NESers for the duplication.

 

AI JOKES .....

 

Edited September 28, 2021 by Captain

[bull]

1 hour ago, Captain said:

..... I'll do the quality control, as I have a PhD in Wool Classing, plus I have already done a deal to sell it to a cooperative of spinners in Feng Shui, and I have just inseminated all of the ewes in this flock."

 

"How did you do the inseminating?" asked Turbo who also works undercover for the RSPCA.

 

"Oh, no wuckers Tubby, it was artificial." responded Cappy.

 

"Thank goodness for that as there are over 600 ewes in that flock, so if not via AI, you would have been ......

 

EDIT - bull and Cappy pushed their buttons at identical times, so apologies to our thousands of NESers for the duplication.

 

AI JOKES .....

 

Tell the truth you where beaten to the punch by old Bull, and you know it !   You just still got this thing about rodents being smarter then bovines,,Which as all regular attendee,s of the NES will know is not correct as ratty is well known for those blank moments and dribbling conversations [bit like joe] And is well known to not be the smartest smarty out of the packet!,,,,,,[Bull,s still pretty quick out of a gate [especially if the missis is chasing him ],,,,,,,,,lol

 

Edited September 28, 2021 by bull

[turboplanner]

......[for purposes of continuity the disruptive lol is imagined rather than seen]  but she wasn't chasing him as often these days.

Cappy was missing out more too, as we can all see by his one sided posts, (don't mention it to him). 

Turbo was just cruising around in his chick magnet, raking them in and ...............

[bull]

having a ball until one day after a steamy session with a waitress from the chicken joint in agnew he developed a terrible red rash and did not know what to do . So after many minutes of comptemplation and other big word things, he decided to......................                                                                                                                                                                                                                [Turbo,s Hospital photos from the next day ]

Edited September 28, 2021 by bull

[turboplanner]

...use the Farmer’s Friend, a teaspoon of metho and a match. It hurt but the blotches were gone. Everything was red.....

 

 

 

 

[bull]

12 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

...use the Farmer’s Friend, a teaspoon of metho and a match. It hurt but the blotches were gone. Everything was red.....

 

 

 

 

......and scorched and led to his hospitalisation with 3rd degree burns  for over a month on drips and skin graphs and sexy nurses and no more means to do any thing about it [due to the fire burning things to a crisp] and all because he believed Cappy about the Metho treatment that Cappy had explained to turbo like this [ok mate just use a teaspoon of metho ok and rub it around to thin it out ,,,,,,,and turdo had used a soup spoon and you know the end result. Why oh why did you use a bloody soup spoon full turbo,,,Turbo replied .Well i thought that a bit more for insurance as these little buggers bite and ..........................

Edited September 28, 2021 by bull

[Captain]

12 hours ago, bull said:

Well i thought that a bit more for insurance as these little buggers bite and ..........

..... my pubes are famous for being like 10 gauge fencing wire, so I am not boasting when I say that several CWA ladies have almost lost their sight as a result."

 

"Hey, hang on there bull" said OT "That must be an old photo from the NES archive, as Turbo does not have a non-grey hair on his entire body."

12 hours ago, bull said:

skin graphs

..... plus can you email me a copy asap please, as I would like to check out a couple of his graphs to see if he is, indeed, ..........

Edited September 28, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

......following an upward curve or in a downward free-fall path - just like bull when he pulled back on the stick right after the 582 catastrophic engine failure at 2500' (a record altitude for bull, by the way), and the Jackaroo was heading for the ground like a badly aimed dart at the Darraweit Guim Hotel darts night, and getting ready to turn the Jackaroo into a Knackaroo, when......

[Captain]

43 minutes ago, onetrack said:

......following an upward curve or in a downward free-fall path - just like bull when he pulled back on the stick right after the 582 catastrophic engine failure at 2500' (a record altitude for bull, by the way), and the Jackaroo was heading for the ground like a badly aimed dart at the Darraweit Guim Hotel darts night, and getting ready to turn the Jackaroo into a Knackaroo, when......

..... Turbo exhibited more of his deity-like (& Eeeeaaaan-like) powers and .....

Edited September 29, 2021 by Captain

[Captain]

STEELE YOURSELVES DEAR READERS, AS BELOW IS ONE OF TURBO'S SKIN GRAPHS

THAT HAS JUST BEEN SENT TO ME BY BULL OVER THE SECURE MEDICAL NETWORK.

(This is only possible because bull slept with lots of nurses when he was young (hence the expression "That he is like a bull in a nurse's quarters"), and because Cappy has been officially certified as an amateur gynecologist.)

THESE GRAPHS ARE ALWAYS READ FROM THE RIGHT, SO IT IS ALL DOWNHILL FOR

OUR POOR DEAR TURDY.

Edited September 29, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

........since he was an expert in skin graphs, knew what very few people know, and that was the secret of eating Spanish Tomatoes raw for a week, after which, skin or no skin, you won't feel  a thing, so he quietly sent a message to ..............

[Captain]

....... Salty, who is the present Chairperson of the Australia-Spain Horticultural Society for the Growth and Consumption of Spanish Tomatoes (The well known ASHSftG&CoST, or as it is often abbreviated to the much more catchy & better known ASHSGCST) to ensure that ST's are included in all pizza and tapas menus henceforth.

 

"No worries a-maaaate for that" said Luigi Scarface (Salty's 2nd cousin on his niece's side) who is the head chef at the Remnark Sushi Train, which is located above the ......

 

The aftermath of an EGM Meeting at the ASHSftG&CoST, where the motion was passed 5 to 3 (bullet holes).

The Remnark Sushi Train is on the floor below.

Edited September 29, 2021 by Captain

[turboplanner]

..........Schitt Creek Outlaw Bickers Association Clubrooms. (Yes we know Bikers is spelt wrong but they sent Dazza down to Adelaide to register the Assoc and we all know what his spelling is like).

 

The close proximity of these premises to the Gentle Jesus Retirement Home cause a lot of problems for the local Council, particularly when the Mayor lashed out and said he was going to clean up the Bikers, and they hung him on a stick in the Murray by the cods for cod bait ................................

[Captain]

47 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

and they hung him on a stick in the Murray by the cods for cod bait .........

..... before he was rescued by an advanced party of LITL women from the GJRH.

 

I cannot show you more of what shoulder patch the LITL women use as it is just too rude for a Wreck Flying Forum.

 

"well don't leave us hanging cappy" said bull "what does LITL stand for?"

 

"G'day bull" replied Cappy "That is the "Life In Their Loins" platoon of the GJRH SACWA And they can cause a heck of a lot of ........

 

THESE ELITE TROOPS ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE THEIR EYES PIXILATED FOR SECURITY SAKE (HOWEVER THE WRINKLES PROBABLY HAVE THE SAME EFFECT) AND WE CANNOT GIVE THEIR NAMES, BUT BELOW ARE A COUPLE OF SHOTS OF THE LITL WOMEN OF THE GIRH SACWA.

 

AND THEY CAN ALL STILL DO THIS TOO.

 

Edited September 29, 2021 by Captain

[bull]

skin graphs

..... plus can you email me a copy asap please, as I would like to check out a couple of his graphs to see if he is, indeed, ..........

...............................................Sorry no can do as the skin graphs machine is broken but we could do you copy of his skin graths results if  that would suffice.

[Captain]

"G'day boyz and girrs" said Nobu "I onry came back in here because that rady with the brue jacket and gley hair in the Lat's lecent post is my gramlar and the hottie in the fouth photo is my mistless (and she is unberievabull, ret me tell youze)."

 

"G'day Nob" replied the CT, who was not a contributor when Nobu was last in town "As you know I lespect all countlies, I do not rike national stelliotypes in the NES and I object to sperring that makes a mokely of ............. 

Edited September 29, 2021 by Captain

[onetrack]

.....things like skin grafts!" "Tell me about how much skin Turbo got in this game", said Nobu. "He must have plenty of skin in game, to need skin grafts!"

 

(Dear NES readers, note how the culturally-sensitised OT does not make fun of other nationals way of speaking, just as we need to not make fun of Tasmanians spelling ....)

 

"Look", said CT. "Turbo only needed skin grafts, because he was........

[Captain]

5 minutes ago, onetrack said:

"Look", said CT. "Turbo only needed skin grafts, because he was........

..... over-polishing the end for a number of years, when he was .........

[turboplanner]

.......hunting crocodiles in the Murrumbidgee. Not many people know that before the last Ice Age the temperature was a lot warmer throughout the Riverina and there were resorts along the Murrumbidgee, gambling casinos and pretty much the same climate as Townsville which meant crocodiles inhabited the river. There were no cameras in those days and the natives of the Gumly Gumly tribe thought the regular disappearances in the river were due to eating too many yams. The ice age killed off the Gumly Gumly but a secret hot spring kept the crocs alive and still does today. Turbo has made a lot of money with his croc hunting line and asks people reading this to keep the secret. It was on a hunting trip that he first met Cappy. He was baiting a trap when an old BMW drove up. Turbo quickly sank the bait and Cappy called out of the window to join him. There were two ..........

[bull]

Buxum/bucam/buxem/@#$$%  Bit breasted blond woman sitting in the back seat smiling at Turbo and the closest one who  had theFM boots on , slowly started to get out of the car and approach turbo, But Turbo retreated in fear and shame and some horror , thinking about all his past adventures that are now just a distant memory and never again will the tea shop ladies smile everytime he walked in the door ,now they just mutter and laugh and..................                                                                           

Edited September 29, 2021 by bull

[onetrack]

.....rode a 900 Kwaka and did 0-400M in under 6 seconds! But then came the day I lost it, popping a mono, and I came off at 120kmh, and slid for 200M down the road!"

"But luckily, I had my big leather coat and those black boots on, and they took the brunt of the damage that would've otherwise happened to my skin, if I hadn't been wearing them!"

"I really miss those boots! - and the Kwaka, too! It was only fit for wrecking after that episode! I've never ridden a Kwaka or worn boots again since! I reckon I wore out all my luck that day! - as well as my boots and coat!"

 

"That's nothing!", said Turbo. "You want to hear a black boots story? I was test flying this new Northrop A-17 during the opening stages of WW2, when a wing spar broke, and I had no choice, but to bale out!"

"I was wearing the best pair of fur-lined flying boots a man could buy, back then! But when I flung the canopy open, and went to climb out, one of those boots caught on ........

 

(And here, Dear NES readers, we have a photo of Turbo, centre, in his flying gear, at the height of his career, with his actor-like looks and build, and showing the superb flying gear he always wore on test flights. Notice that the slick aircraft salesman to his left, is none other than our redoubtable Rat, Cappy....)

 

 

[turboplanner]

".............an appendage, ripping it off, so I had to skid to a halt using one boot only."

The Germans were able to follow my distinctive tracks, but just as they thought they had me, I changed the boot to the other foot. Even though this was very painful, it threw them off the scent."  "Das aviator iss gone!" said Kurt "these tracks have a boot on the RIGHT footten, boots are in short supply, this must be un farmer going to verk." Turbo was able to escape to a ski lodge where he was fixed up, and taken through the mountains to the Swiss Border, when a Swiss Maiden in a short skirt altered his opinion of the War. Three years later he caught a train to London, and ......

 

[Captain]

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Three years later he caught a train to London, and ......

.... went straight back to the bootmaker to make a warranty claim (Turbo has a natural frugality & ripoff mentality about him).

 

"No, no, no my boy" replied the Jewish bootmaker "My boots are not cockpit proof and snagging one on a canopy is a specific exclusion in the warranty (do you schtill haff the receipt?). Plus I haff heard what you haff been doing to those innocent Swiss girls and I see that you haff put on a bit of pork, ahso my finely crafted boots wouldn't fit you any more, ......... Fatso."

 

Getting fat while all those around him starve has been the unpublished mantra of Turbine Industries ever since, and has also been franchised by Danny Andrews over the past 11 years.

 

Turbo remembered that experience for the rest of his life, and it also served him well at the Bidgeee Crock Pit (BCP) when he .......

 

THE POOR JEWISH BOOTMAKER IN QUESTION

 

A BOOTLESS TURBO, HAVING PORKED UP ON SWISS CHOCOLATE, PASTRIES AND LADIES.

(Talk about a W&B issue?)

Edited September 29, 2021 by Captain