Phil Perry Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 I nearly made a horrific mistake by almost bedding a Ladyboy last night. I picked him up at the flying club new year bash. . . . He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at the apartment he reversed the car into a really tight parking slot in ONE fluid movement…! That's when I suddenly thought . . . . “Hang on. . . .wait just a bloody minute. .. . . . . . .” > > > > > > > > > > > > > I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him. I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?” He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.” Well I just cracked up as you do. . . , I couldn't stop laughing. …then I said, “That's gonna be a bit awkward innit?” > > > > > > > “Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive barstard.” > > 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
facthunter Posted January 4, 2014 Share Posted January 4, 2014 Bastard is the correct spelling, if you are talking of correctness. Good ones actually especially the first. Nev Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marty_d Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I nearly made a horrific mistake by almost bedding a Ladyboy last night. I picked him up at the flying club new year bash. . . . He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at the apartment he reversed the car into a really tight parking slot in ONE fluid movement…! That's when I suddenly thought . . . . “Hang on. . . .wait just a bloody minute. .. . . . . . .” > > > > > > > > > > > > > I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him. I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?” He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.” Well I just cracked up as you do. . . , I couldn't stop laughing. …then I said, “That's gonna be a bit awkward innit?” > > > > > > > “Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive barstard.” > > I laughed at this and proceeded to read it out to my wife... she looked blank and said "I don't get it. Who uses both hands to change a light bulb anyway?" I stopped and thought for a moment. She's right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
facthunter Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 With the ones that hang on a chain or cord, but the getting the car into a tight parking spot in one fluid movement. CRUEL I know blokes who can't do that... Nev Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
M61A1 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 I laughed at this and proceeded to read it out to my wife... she looked blank and said "I don't get it. Who uses both hands to change a light bulb anyway?"I stopped and thought for a moment. She's right. Not so sure about that.....assuming one is right handed, the efficient method is to pick up the new bulb in the right hand, step up onto your platform of choice (if necessary), remove the old bulb with your left hand, and retain. Fit the new bulb from your right hand into the socket. Step down, if required, then discard the old bulb from your left hand. Carry out a functional test with which ever hand you like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cscotthendry Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Wow! Reading some of the responses to the jokes, it seems like a few people on these forums have had humour bypasses. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fly_tornado Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens." "Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens." "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am." Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until seven." 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fly_tornado Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor. 5 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fly_tornado Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam:" Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too." Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?" Herb says: "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?" Sam says, "How about rose?" "Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife. "Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?" 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marty_d Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Not so sure about that.....assuming one is right handed, the efficient method is to pick up the new bulb in the right hand, step up onto your platform of choice (if necessary), remove the old bulb with your left hand, and retain. Fit the new bulb from your right hand into the socket. Step down, if required, then discard the old bulb from your left hand. Carry out a functional test with which ever hand you like. There you go then... we've got batten fittings in a 2.4m ceiling, and we're both 6 ft. Only 1 hand required. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PA. Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 On the restaurant theme. Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyle Communications Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Q: What do you get when you cross a prostitute with a elephant? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyle Communications Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 A 2000 pound hooker who does it for peanuts and will remember you forever 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bexrbetter Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 A 2000 pound hooker who does it for peanuts and will remember you forever Hey, I know her! 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marty_d Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 You visit some interesting sites Bex... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samuel117 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 On the restaurant theme.Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it! Oh I laughed and laughed like crazy with this one! the problem is at the time I was at a doctor's waiting room full of patients and worse. I was wearing a doctor's coat! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marty_d Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Oh I laughed and laughed like crazy with this one! the problem is at the time I was at a doctor's waiting room full of patients and worse. I was wearing a doctor's coat! Why on earth would you dress up like a doctor to visit the doc... ohhhhhhhhhhh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PA. Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 Why on earth would you dress up like a doctor to visit the doc... ohhhhhhhhhhh. Because someone else had already taken the Nurses uniform. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fly_tornado Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 70 years old," he says. "70!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?" 1 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marty_d Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 1st Hooker :- "What did you ask Santa Clause for?" 2nd Hooker :- " $150, the same as everybody else!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 There you go then... we've got batten fittings in a 2.4m ceiling, and we're both 6 ft. Only 1 hand required. Sorry guys,. . . . we here in Europe still have light fittings which hang on a bit of string. . . .( just to remove all confusionalism. . . . . . and it's also a 10 bottle beer fine for analysing a joke. . . . .) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marty_d Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 10 beers Phil?? Have they decimalised beer over there? There's 24 beers in a carton and 24 hours in a day... coincidence? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 10 beers Phil?? Have they decimalised beer over there?There's 24 beers in a carton and 24 hours in a day... coincidence? No Marty,. . . you misunderstand . . .the organiser reserves the right to withold 14 beers as commission. . . . . . standard aviation practice here old boy. . . .what ? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marty_d Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Ah, I understand. Very sensible. I loved the names of some of your ales when we were over... "Spitfire" and "Bishop's Finger" were a couple I remember. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
facthunter Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Bet the Bishop's Finger tastes crook. Nev 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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