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QANTAS to phase out passengers (Satire)


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National Times

Satire by the Shovel 


Qantas to phase out passengers, in new plan to improve service 
In a new strategy that it says will slash wait times at airports and eliminate lost luggage completely, national carrier Qantas announced today that it will begin to phase out passengers on flights, with a zero-passenger target set for 2025.


CEO Alan Joyce likened the move to the removal of smoking from aircraft in the 1980s, and said the plan was the result of a top-to-bottom review of Qantas’s service. “We’re always looking for ways to remove inefficiencies from the system so we can offer a more streamlined, frictionless service. When we looked closely at what was slowing us down, again and again it came back to one thing – passengers”. 


Joyce said responding to customer feedback was central to developing the new plan. “Our customers told us they get frustrated when their baggage ends up in a different city. They told us it’s unfeasible to wait on hold for 8-hours to speak to our call centre. By removing passengers from the equation, we’re confident these issues will become a thing of the past. We’ve listened, we’ve heard, we’re acting”.


The CEO told shareholders that the plan would eventually lead to greater cost efficiencies, with less reliance on pilots, flight attendants, baggage carriers, caterers, engineers and airport staff. But he rejected claims the airline didn’t have Australians’ interests in mind. “Change can be scary, but this is about modernising our service for the future. We removed smoking from aircraft in the 1980s and no-one thinks twice about that now. This is no different”.
Qantas will receive $1.5 billion in federal government funding to assist with the transition.


 

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Brilliant!
And they already started the policy on the Dallas-Sydney run the other day.
The other pesky cost entry is maintenance. They've already off-shored it to slave wage countries. Doing away with it entirely will be simple if there are no passengers to kill when airplanes fall out of the sky.

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Sorry, I thought yjou said wash my mouth out with soup.

 

Phillip Adams has claimed copyright on the expression "Spirit of Australia" and has demanded Qantas remove it from their aircraft, tickets and advertising.

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Qantas could always go with "Mean-Spirited of Australia". Joyce represents the meanest of the corporate culture of personal greed, and shafting of the nation. What makes these grubs think they're entitled to multiple tens of millions in salaries, options and bonuses, simply because they're CEO's?

And they do it by making sure employees rights and earnings are ground down ruthlessly to subsistence level. This is the bloke who shut the airline down for days, just to get what he wanted from employee negotiations.

Employee morale level is how the CEO's renumeration should be set. Higher morale = higher salary for the CEO. On that basis, Joyces renumeration would now be down to subsistence level.

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Ryanair did a survey on whether passengers would use "stand up seating" on flights of 1 hour or less, and I read somewhere where Easyjet were looking at something similar.

 

https://www.thetraveltart.com/ryan-air-10-potential-benefits-of-standing-up-on-their-planes/

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However it can sometimes backfire as seen below.

 

Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."

 

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10 hours ago, red750 said:

Ryanair did a survey on whether passengers would use "stand up seating" on flights of 1 hour or less, and I read somewhere where Easyjet were looking at something similar.

 

https://www.thetraveltart.com/ryan-air-10-potential-benefits-of-standing-up-on-their-planes/

Reminds me of a backpacker charter boat in Shute harbour. I asked how many backpackers on a charter and the reply was it depends on how you stack em.😁

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