PA.

Took the car into a garage to get it fixed once and he said it will be fixed tomorrow. I politely pointed to the sign that said "Cars repaired, no waiting." He said that's correct, I will have to leave.

A friends wife makes the list.

Husband sent a text to wife at night, "Hi babe I will be late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favourite dish before I return." He sent another text, "Babe I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car" She text back, "OMG really?" Husband replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."

What sort of endurance are you looking for?

Selling an old motorbike some years ago which was for parts only the buyer wanted to know if the engine would run. Out with a can of Aerostart and a squirt down the inlet manifold a give it a kick. It started first kick and we ran the bike for a minute by just giving squirts down the inlet manifold. I should add the carby was in a box on the bench. Fuel injection in a can.

I walked into the local cafe and said, "Can you do me a breakfast my way?" The bloke behind the counter said, "Certainly, what's your way?" I said, "Well, first of all I want a fried egg. It should be fried so hard that you can take it off of the plate and bounce it. The beans, they've got to be cold inside, hot outside. I want the fried bread absolutely dripping in grease. I want tomato skins - no tomatoes, just the skins. The bacon has got to be so well done that when you put the fork in it, it springs all over the room. You got that?" He says, "I haven't got time for all that." I said, "You found time yesterday!"

Meat the maker.

All this talk of the Bali 9 etc reminds me of the old joke: A guy walks into a pub in Ireland and decides to strike up a conversation with the barman. The chat soon turns to cars. He asks the barman "What do you think of the Mazda 6?" Barman responds, "they're innocent!".

The missus and I have both made those lists of 5 people that we're allowed to sleep with if we ever get the opportunity. She's picked Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, Jeremy Renner, Kiefer Sutherland and Paul Hollywood. I've gone for her sister, her cousin, her best mate, our next door neighbour and the fit bird from the Co-op!!..

The Neighbours would complain.

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning. The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103. When she died; she left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren ...........and a 40 foot hole where the Crematorium used to be.

Don't knock Alzheimers, every day is Christmas and you get to hide your own Easter Eggs.

Back on the toilet seat everyone, it's not Heathrow. Thick black smoke visible from Heathrow Airport and surrounding roads is from a fire in nearby West Drayton, not the airport - @NBCNews

I don't get it. Australia has a responsibility to search for survivors, not to look for their lost luggage.

Arrrgh, here they be.

This website has reviews of lots of action cameras. http://www.techmoan.com/

Pilot just trying his handbrake skills.

Do you keep your Jaba in a Hut?

Just install one of these in the cockpits, problem solved.

Flick the engine fall off switch or reverse it into the crash.

I was shocked to see my beautiful divorced neighbour knocking on my door one Friday evening. "I'm so horny that I can't stand it." she said. "I want to go out, get drunk and get laid. Are you free tonight?" "Yes!" I replied enthusiastically. "Wonderful." she said. "Would you watch my kids?"

You got Marmite wrong Marty, it's oś Grease.

Who has what it takes?