Remember your school jokes

[Admin]

My 12 year old son came up to me this morning and told me a joke that is going around his school yard at the moment...and whilst not politically correct in this day and age, Corrine and I broke out laughing...what has happened to our world where innocence is frowned upon.

 

Your mother is so fat that I took a picture of her last Christmas and it is still printing

 

 

[Marty_d]

Isn't it "Yo mamma..."?

 

 

[Jabiru Phil]

How times change. We used Dad, Dave and Mabel jokes.

 

 

[Guernsey]

Back in my day we used to say "when Adam was a boy"......

 

Alan.

 

 

[old man emu]

Or,

 

"When Pontius was a pilot.."

 

OME

 

 

[bexrbetter]

Stone the bloody crows ....

 

 

[Bryon]

Cor blimey....

 

 

[Peter008]

When Mickey was a Mouse

 

 

[facthunter]

You blokes would kid me Snakes is Lizards and get me bit. That's as sure as London to a brick on. When All's said and done. Nev

 

 

[Chris Tarran]

When Jesus played left back for Jerusalem?

 

 

[Tomo]

sounds to me he needs to get a new printer…

 

Reminds me of the American farmer that was telling an Aussie how it took him all day just to get to his boundary fence on his property… the Aussie says "Yeah, I had a ute like that once..."

 

 

[Cosmick]

One of my Fathers favorites "God starve the Lizzards" still don't know what it meant.

 

 

[Peter008]

Sticks & Stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!

 

Some days your the dog, somedays the hydrant.

 

 

[planedriver]

My son came home from school one day and told me that he'd learned in scripture that they had motorbikes back in biblical times.

 

I replied "that's utter nonsense son"

 

Tis true Dad!............ After the Battle of Jericho, all you could hear was the roar from Joshua's Triumph

 

 

[Phil Perry]

Following a slight accident where I spilt some of my cup of tea as a 4 year old . . .my Maternal Grandmother said to me with some concern in her voice,. . ."Doh sheed thee tee lad, or tha'll end oop with thee ead oop a dead 'osses boom. . ." ( ? )

 

 

[Marty_d]

Following a slight accident where I spilt some of my cup of tea as a 4 year old . . .my Maternal Grandmother said to me with some concern in her voice,. . ."Doh sheed thee tee lad, or tha'll end oop with thee ead oop a dead 'osses boom. . ." ( ? )

And I thought having my mouth washed out with soap for swearing was harsh. I think jamming your youngster's head up a dead horse's clacker is probably cause for a visit from Social Services...

 

 

[Phil Perry]

And I thought having my mouth washed out with soap for swearing was harsh. I think jamming your youngster's head up a dead horse's clacker is probably cause for a visit from Social Services...

Hey Marty. . . .Don't shoot the messenger,. . . .this was back in 1954. . . . . . we regularly had dead horses outside the house at that time, as they worked the poor things to death,. . . .I saw a milkman's horse drop dead next door, and then the coal delivery man's horse did the same a week or so later, but I have to say that at no time was my head forced oop the clacker of either of these equines. . . . but then, I'd been a GOOD boy, and social services hadn't been invented then . . . .I dunno how we ever managed without them ! My Gran used to run outside with a shovel to scoop up the horse dung, which she'd dry out and then burn on the living room fire. . . . . Things were a bit basic in them days mate,. in fact, only a few years later as a teenager, I used to cut grass and tidy up for the local people for a few shillings. . .and one particular day, I cut both front and back lawns and tidied up the garden for Mrs Clunchbucket, ( a young widow in her thirties at number 75,. . .) and she was most embarassed when I asked for my two shillings pay,. . .she said, I have no money left Phil, but if you'd like to come upstairs to the bedroom, I might be able to pay you in another way . . . .(?)

 

I suddenly realised what she was alluding to and agreed wholeheartedly ( as you do when you are a young horny teenager. . . ) but when we got into the bedroom and she stripped off naked, I was horrified to find that she was black all over her body. . .!!!!

 

I said, "What on earth hapened to you . . .?" . . . she said, Oh, . . I'm ever so sorry Philip,. . . .

 

I just paid off the coal man's bill. . . . .

 

 

[Marty_d]

Hey Marty. . . .Don't shoot the messenger,. . . .this was back in 1954. . . . . . we regularly had dead horses outside the house at that time, as they worked the poor things to death,. . . .I saw a milkman's horse drop dead next door, and then the coal delivery man's horse did the same a week or so later, but I have to say that at no time was my head forced oop the clacker of either of these equines. . . . but then, I'd been a GOOD boy, and social services hadn't been invented then . . . .I dunno how we ever managed without them ! My Gran used to run outside with a shovel to scoop up the horse dung, which she'd dry out and then burn on the living room fire. . . . . Things were a bit basic in them days mate,. in fact, only a few years later as a teenager, I used to cut grass and tidy up for the local people for a few shillings. . .and one particular day, I cut both front and back lawns and tidied up the garden for Mrs Clunchbucket, ( a young widow in her thirties at number 75,. . .) and she was most embarassed when I asked for my two shillings pay,. . .she said, I have no money left Phil, but if you'd like to come upstairs to the bedroom, I might be able to pay you in another way . . . .(?)I suddenly realised what she was alluding to and agreed wholeheartedly ( as you do when you are a young horny teenager. . . ) but when we got into the bedroom and she stripped off naked, I was horrified to find that she was black all over her body. . .!!!!

 

I said, "What on earth hapened to you . . .?" . . . she said, Oh, . . I'm ever so sorry Philip,. . . .

 

I just paid off the coal man's bill. . . . .

Love it.

 

I remember spending a couple of hours chopping wood for a widow neighbour only to have her "pay" me with 2 empty coke bottles (you could get 20c refund in the early 80's) - I'm grateful she didn't try to pay me the way Mrs Clunchbucket did you, this widow was in her 70's and had about 2 teeth.

 

 

[Old Koreelah]

Some older people seem to slip into a time warp, especially over money. I can remember my dad paying me, in the 60's about what he got paid at the same age in the 30's.

 

 

[planedriver]

My grandmother was a keen gardner and always kept a bucket and shovel just in side the front gate. When either the milkmans or the bakers horse left droppings on the road, she'd scoopt it up and put it on her garden.

 

One morning she told the milkman that she liked to put it on her rhubarb.

 

He with his typical pommie humour replied "Thats different lady! my wife puts custard on mine"

 

 

[facthunter]

With some of the experiences you people have had it is a wonder you still sane. Hmmmm.. Just imagine today if you were the only kid who's parents hadn't divorced, or you hadn't been molested. Nev

 

 

[metalman]

My son came home from school one day and told me that he'd learned in scripture that they had motorbikes back in biblical times.I replied "that's utter nonsense son"

Tis true Dad!............ After the Battle of Jericho, all you could hear was the roar from Joshua's Triumph

I surprised to find out they had Honda cars shortly after Jesus did his thing,,,,,apperently "all the disciples were in one Accord"

Matty

 

 

[rankamateur]

My son came home from school one day and told me that he'd learned in scripture that they had motorbikes back in biblical times.I replied "that's utter nonsense son"

Tis true Dad!............ After the Battle of Jericho, all you could hear was the roar from Joshua's Triumph

My scripture teacher taught me in year 5, that Noah's ark had magical powers that could melt your face! I have seen Raiders of the lost ark and I now know he had the wrong ark!

 

 

[cscotthendry]

Sticks & Stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!Some days your the dog, somedays the hydrant.

Some days you're the bug. Some days you're the windscreen.

 

 

[cscotthendry]

Hey Marty. . . .Don't shoot the messenger,. . . .this was back in 1954. . . . . . we regularly had dead horses outside the house at that time, as they worked the poor things to death,. . . .I saw a milkman's horse drop dead next door, and then the coal delivery man's horse did the same a week or so later, but I have to say that at no time was my head forced oop the clacker of either of these equines. . . . but then, I'd been a GOOD boy, and social services hadn't been invented then . . . .I dunno how we ever managed without them ! My Gran used to run outside with a shovel to scoop up the horse dung, which she'd dry out and then burn on the living room fire. . . . . Things were a bit basic in them days mate,. in fact, only a few years later as a teenager, I used to cut grass and tidy up for the local people for a few shillings. . .and one particular day, I cut both front and back lawns and tidied up the garden for Mrs Clunchbucket, ( a young widow in her thirties at number 75,. . .) and she was most embarassed when I asked for my two shillings pay,. . .she said, I have no money left Phil, but if you'd like to come upstairs to the bedroom, I might be able to pay you in another way . . . .(?)I suddenly realised what she was alluding to and agreed wholeheartedly ( as you do when you are a young horny teenager. . . ) but when we got into the bedroom and she stripped off naked, I was horrified to find that she was black all over her body. . .!!!!

 

I said, "What on earth hapened to you . . .?" . . . she said, Oh, . . I'm ever so sorry Philip,. . . .

 

I just paid off the coal man's bill. . . . .

Ooooh Looxury! When I were a lad.....