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I was talking to my mate the other day about just how far the aviation industry has come since the Wright brothers, but he said he didn't really care.

 

I thought that's just plane ignorance.

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My dad spent all afternoon laying down turf, and when we came out this morning it had all been stolen. Now he is just standing in the yard looking forlorn.

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My grandfather’s favourite...When police questioned the locksmith as to why he was at the premises at the time of the raid....”I was making a bolt for the door”.

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The farmer that won an award for being out standing in his field.....

The way I heard that was that the farmer was waiting for his knighthood. Same dif I guess.

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The latest news flash is that thieves have nicked the local Police Station toilet. The Police have nothing to go on.

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When does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?

Around 10ish...

 

One way or another, I’m really going to have to stop quoting Blondie lyrics..

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Literally every time we drive past a cemetery.... My 13yo and I have this exact same conversation... Look the dead centre of town... I know people are just dying to get in there... Hey did you know if you live in this town you can’t be buried there... Cemeteries really are the most popular place around because eventually EVERYONE ends up going to one...... We have been like this for about 5 years now!

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I was realy cheesed off but I bit my tongue and didn't say anything as the Thieves stole my gate. I didn't want them to take a fence.

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Literally every time we drive past a cemetery.... My 13yo and I have this exact same conversation... Look the dead centre of town... I know people are just dying to get in there... Hey did you know if you live in this town you can’t be buried there... Cemeteries really are the most popular place around because eventually EVERYONE ends up going to one...... We have been like this for about 5 years now!

We has a German exchange student for a while. He arrived with no sense of humour and left with a better understanding.

When we drove past the abattoir setting ponds when the wind was of a certain direction, I would take a bit of a sniff, turn up my nose, look at him accusingly and say "Was that you?". After few months he started getting in first.

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Used to tell my visiting American cousins that kangaroos only hop during the day because the ground is hot and at night they walk around like the other animals. And the the southern cross wind mills were big fans the keep the cows cool.

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We used to tell visiting Marines the usual Drop Bear and Hoop snake jokes. They were on to us when we started on the mountain cattle. They have two legs longer than the other 2 so they can graze on the side of steep hills. But you have to be careful there are left handed and right handed ones and you can’t grazre left handed cattle on right handed hills or the long legs would be up hill and they would fall over. You also couldn’t breed a left and right together. Because you may get a calf with long front legs and short back legs and they won’t be able to reach the ground to eat....

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Went to a army disposal store to buy a camouflage jacket but could not find one

Worth what you didn't pay for it then!

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Sergeant: "Why weren't you at camouflage training, Private?"

Private: "I was there Sergeant."

Sergeant: "I didn't see you there."

Private: "I thought that was the idea,Sir."

Edited by red750
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Don't learn to play the violin or cello. Those that have, seem to have developed Parkinson's Disease in their left hand.

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